


The Way Down

by DoriansAss



Category: A Day to Remember (Band), Music - Fandom, bands - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Romance, on tour
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-07-16 21:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 47,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7285216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoriansAss/pseuds/DoriansAss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I loaded another box of shirts into the U-haul, sighing as I pulled away, moving to grab another one. I glanced up, seeing a familiar face. No matter where I was or what I was doing, one thing on this tour was not changing. I seemed to have developed a Jeremy radar. I was acutely aware of where he was when he was around me at all times. He looked over and our gazes met. I jumped, swerving back around and looking anywhere but him. I really hoped he couldn't see the red that spread across my entire face. My chest was burning all the way up to my ears."</p>
<p>Casey Holt is 23 years old and loves her job helping bands on tour, selling merch and doing odd jobs. She's been at it for years. Her favorite bands are Blink 182 and Four Year Strong, she loves fantasy novels, food, Star Wars, and video games. She's just trying to mind her own business and enjoy her life until Jeremy McKinnon comes along and turns everything upside down.</p>
<p>A Jeremy McKinnon (A Day to Remember) story.</p>
<p>I do not own any of the bands, nor the band members in this story.<br/>Trigger warning: There will be occasional drinking and violence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
  
It was 4:45 a.m. on a Sunday morning. The sun wasn’t up yet and a comfortable silence had settled over me. I pulled my sweater tighter, crossing my arms over my chest as I huddled further into myself, foggy breath visible in the cold air. I looked around at the meetup spot we were emailed the week before.The parking lot was vast and dark, a dusky blue sky looming overhead, with five long, black tour buses parked in a row, all with a white sheet of printer paper taped to the windows, all with their respective band names on them. A Day to Remember, Nothing More, and Adakain. It felt like I was alone, but if I looked closely there were people who had arrived before me. Tour bus drivers, roadies loading amps into u-hauls attached to their cars, a few band managers whose band members probably weren’t far behind. I shivered and realized I probably should have put on real pants, but was stuck with the baggy flannel pajama bottoms I had decided not to change out of earlier that morning. All my other clothes were shoved into two travel bags sitting by my feet on the dewy pavement, and it wasn’t worth the hassle to dig through them for any proper attire.  
  
Finally, as more people began to arrive, I grabbed my luggage and made my way over towards the buses. One of the last ones was a roadie bus, for those of us who were going on this tour to help with merch and stage sound, etc. There were only two buses for roadies, but some others would follow in their own cars. Climbing the tall steps into the second to last bus, I quickly knocked on the plastic door, but didn’t wait for a response as I made my way inside. I was the first one there.  
  
The kitchen was the first thing you saw as you walked in, tiny and compact. Hardly fitting for the six people that would be sharing it, but it was the kind of thing you get used to over time. A “living room” of sorts was beside the kitchen, really only consisting of a long, gray couch along the wall of the bus, with a medium sized television mounted to the wall at the end. Closer to the back was a booth that could seat four, with a wide table in between the plastic seats. There were compartments lining the ceiling above the furniture for storage. If you looked in them you would find things like blankets, tupperware, medicine, the list went on.  
  
I waddled to the back of the bus with my bags, which I was dragging by now. My upper body strength was almost pitiable. That would probably change by the end of this tour, with all the things I expected to be lifting for six months straight. It would mostly be unloading and loading boxes into trucks, boxes filled with band tees and albums. For now I started lifting my bags into the bottom bunk, farthest away from the door. I shoved them towards the back and decided I would unpack later. There would be plenty of down time on the road on the way to the first show. I wasn’t sure if I was as mentally prepared for this tour as I had hoped. I had been on a couple of tours before, but for the most part they were small, where the bands weren’t that well known and everything was pretty easy going. On this tour, though, there was a bigger band, and I’ve heard stories about touring with bigger bands… More fans, more parties, less humble members. Crossing my fingers, I hoped I could get along with everyone and everything would go smoothly. Just as that thought crossed my mind, the tour bus door swung open.  
  
“Hello?” a deep male voice rang out, and a guy with dusty blonde hair and a beard poked his head in. He swung a large duffel bag through the doorway and searched around until his eyes landed on me. “Casey!!” His face lit up and he barreled towards me.  
  
“Dan!!” I yelled as he grabbed me up and spun me around in a bear hug. Laughing, I returned the gesture, and tried not to let my feet hit anything as they dangled in the air, with Dan flinging me around in these closed quarters. Suddenly I felt a rush of excitement. Excitement to be on this tour, to see my friends, and even for meeting new ones, despite how introverted I was. “It’s been so long,” I whined as he set me down, and he turned and headed back to retrieve his bag. Dan and I went on our previous tour together a year and a half ago and became quick friends. He was cheerful and protective of me, which was nice when you’re spending months on the road with a lot of strangers.  
  
“I saw you a week ago, Case,” he chuckled and threw his bags in the bunk above mine, thinking back to last week when we ate burgers and watched horror movies together, which was not a rare occurrence. He had rough, tan skin, decorated with colorful tattoos over his arms and chest. His ears were gauged and he wore a solid gray tee with some black jeans, not unlike his usual attire. “Do you want to go find some breakfast before it’s too late?” he asked.  
  
“Yeah, I guess we should go and see if there are any familiar faces, too,” I said as I grabbed some army green, tight fitting pants from my bag, along with a big baggy Star Wars hoodie to combat the cold weather. Ducking into the bathroom, I threw on my clothes for the day and brushed through my brunette hair, throwing it up into a messy bun in the end. “Did you talk to Shae? Cause knowing her there’s a chance she isn’t even awake yet and the tour is gonna leave without her and she’ll have to live the rest of her life as a spinster with ten cats and no job,” I joked as I bounced out of the bathroom and over to Dan, grabbing his wrist and pulling him towards the front of the bus. Our trio also consisted of Shae, who we met on our last tour as well. The three of us have been inseparable since.  
  
“I think she’s here already,” my eyes widened as I heard this and I released his arm, immediately turning and dashing toward the door.  
  
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?!” I shouted, running full speed out of the bus. As I rushed down the steps my foot caught on the edge and my body propelled forward. I felt myself falling, almost in slow motion as I braced for skinned knees and palms, my breathing hitched. But it was quickly evident that someone happened to be walking by at just the wrong time.  
  
I heard a winded grunt as we collided, and instinctively I grabbed for anything solid to latch onto. They managed to get a hold on me as we both tumbled down onto the wet cement. A hand firmly gripped the small of my back beneath me, my arms wrapped snugly around a sturdy neck. I remembered to breathe, inhaling the subtle scents of laundry detergent and cigarettes, my face buried into a mysterious shoulder. With eyes tightly shut, my grip didn’t loosen, my heart still pounding with fear and adrenaline. The smell of their rough, burly jacket was oddly soothing, though. With a large hand holding on to me I began to relax and cuddled in deeper to the nape of their neck, my eyes still closed.  
  
Only when I heard someone gently clear their throat did I snap to and realize the situation. I relinquished my hold on them and pulled my face away, my arms still loosely hanging onto their shoulders. Dumbfounded I gazed at the man looming over me on the ground. He was much taller than me with dark hair and tattoos, a sleeve wrapping around one of his arms, one propping us up from the ground. The other arm, barren of ink, was still wrapped around my waist. He had bold eyebrows and a strong jawline, deep hazel eyes boring into mine with a mix of confusion and concern. There was something gentle but imposing about his face, and I couldn’t deny that I had somehow fallen directly into the arms of someone who was very, very handsome.  
  
My cheeks burned red and my stomach dropped as I realized how many people were staring at us. They were murmuring as they watched, some moving towards us, chiming words of concern. I began to turtle into myself, my chin hunkered low while my shoulders rose to my ears as the embarrassment set in. Just as I began pulling myself up from underneath him he seemed to come back to reality, too. He swiftly stood and in one fluid motion grabbed my upper arm and pulled me up with him, almost effortlessly. Teetering, I found my balance and met his gaze.  
  
“Are you okay?” he mumbled, letting go of my arm as he looked around at the people dispersing. My cheeks still burned, and I suddenly felt very small, and very shy.  
  
“Yeah, I am. Thank you… For that,” I motioned awkwardly at the ground. I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear and stared at the ground, internally cringing at the situation, my face warm all over, all the way to my ears. I hoped he didn't notice me smelling him, I felt like a creep the more I thought about it. He nodded at me,  
  
“Yeah," he murmured, looking tired, his brows furrowed deeply. It seemed like he had just woken up. "Well, if you're alright..." his voice was cold compared to how gentle he had been when he caught me. I nodded vigorously,  
  
“Yeah, yeah, of course, I’m sorry, thank you… Again. And sorry, again,” I stammered. He turned away, but I was just able to catch a glimpse of the corners of his mouth turning up into a small smile, and I almost thought I heard him chuckle. He walked away with quick, long strides and I watched him for a few seconds before turning back around, only to find Dan standing aloof, eating a banana.  
  
“What was that?” he pointed the banana at the ground where we had just been, and then proceeded to eat half of it in one bite.  
  
“That was me eating shit and embarrassing myself,” I moaned, raising the palm of my hand to my forehead. “...Where did you get that?” leave it to Dan to immediately make me forget anything I was agonizing over.  
  
“There’s more in the bus,” He stated as he climbed the steps to the door. I followed him and surveyed the counter in the kitchen, grabbing one as well.  
  
“That was so embarrassing,” I sighed as I chomped into my breakfast.  
  
“He didn’t look too sad to be the one saving you,” Dan wiggled his eyebrows at me.  
  
“Shut up,” I laughed, chucking a piece of food at him. “I didn’t even make it two steps out the door before I messed up!” I whined, again dropping my head into my hands.  
  
“Well, while you’re busy moping, I’m going to get some food, we have a long drive ahead of us,” he said as he moved towards the exit. Just as he opened the door a blur of red slammed through, knocking him to the ground. Attached around his neck was a lanky ginger girl.  
  
“Shae!!” I shouted, running and jumping into the mix. I heard Dan grunt as I landed on both of them.  
  
“Caseeeey!!” She cheered, wrapping an arm around my neck and pulling me into a group hug on the ground. I could feel my cheeks start to hurt as I smiled from ear to ear.  
  
“I missed you guys sooo much in the whole week I didn’t see you,” she cooed as we all rolled over each other until the three of us were lying side by side, Shae in the middle. “Like I almost forgot what your faces looked like it’s been so long,” she joked.  
  
The sun was starting to rise and light was pouring through the windows onto us, basking everything in gold. Shae’s hair was a burgundy red, not quite strawberry blonde, but not brunette either. She was pale with light freckles across her nose and cheeks, with a septum piercing and big eyes and a button nose. She was much taller than me, standing at five foot eight with long, gawky legs. Her hair was glowing in the light, her eyes shining a honey green. Dan’s hair was reflecting the beautiful morning light as well, his hair and beard shimmering while the light danced over his sun kissed skin. Comfort had settled into the pit of my stomach, and I would gladly lay there forever with my best friends on the floor of the tour bus, basking in this warmth if I could, thinking about how eventful the day had been and it was barely six o’clock.


	2. Chapter 2

  
We stepped down from the bus steps, this time calmly, planting my feet solidly on the ground. The three of us emerged into the chilly air that was slowly getting warmer as the sun shone over the bus terminal. I turned to Dan and Shae,  
  
“Is there actually anything to eat here? We don’t have much time until the buses will be leaving, maybe like forty minutes,” I said, rubbing my growling stomach.  
  
“I think there’s a food stand inside, let’s hurry, though,” Shae said as she lightly held my wrist, pulling me along behind her, Dan walking beside me. We all fell into a silent unison as we walked, enjoying the crisp morning air. I was definitely a morning person. Especially in those quiet moments when no one else is awake, and it’s just me, a cup of tea, small birds chirping, and the sun rise. A lot of mornings on tour I would open the window next to the dining table and catch up on my reading while I stuck my toes outside, the wind whipping around them as we drove to our next destination. I was a sucker for fantasy novels, and anything with adventure and camaraderie was up my alley. Maybe that’s why I loved this lifestyle so much. Traveling with my closest friends, exploring new places, and visiting familiar ones. There was so much to discover. New sights, new smells. Watching movies on a small portable TV while everyone crowded into one bunk to watch, trying new foods in every town we visited, listening to all the ridiculous things people said when they came back drunk at the end of a good night. It wasn’t for everyone, but I was really glad for how I was spending my time.  
  
We approached the food stand inside the terminal, though it wasn’t much of an actual restaurant. The dining area consisted of two tables positioned near the ordering window, where a girl in a hat stood under a red awning. After placing our orders we sat in the cold, iron seats nearby and waited. I pulled my feet up onto the chair, my knees against my chest. Dan and Shae were chatting idly as I scanned the area, my eyes settling on something that stood out to me in particular.  
  
I drew in a sharp breath and lowered my head immediately, cringing as my eyes closed.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Shae leaned over to me.  
  
“If I tell you, you can’t look okay?” every second that passed I sunk lower into the chair, trying to be as discreet as possible.  
  
“Look at what?” she snorted, getting really close to my face and searching the terminal.  
  
“There’s this guy…” I twiddled my fingers, “But don’t look, okay?”  
  
“A guy? You have a guy that will get you nervous like this? _You_?” She asked, incredulous. I glanced over just as Dan looked up as well.  
  
“Oh hey, it’s your knight in shining armor!” He laughed loudly, catching the attention of none other than the one I was trying to avoid.  
  
“Oh no,” I whined as Shae sat up straight, looking between me and him in a cringingly obvious way.  
  
“Your what?? Who is that guy? What did I miss?!” She shouted. I groaned and looked up, only to see the friends with him looking between us in the same confused way. I buried my face in my knees in an attempt to hide the blush that spread across my face.  
  
“He just helped me out a little is all,” I muttered, muffled in my legs. Glancing up again I saw his friends walking over. My heart leapt into my throat and suddenly I felt a wave of panic. I was still too embarrassed to face this ridiculously attractive guy head on, I hadn’t had any time to recover from the humiliating events that took place only twenty minutes ago.  
  
As his friends approached I noticed that he left a decent amount of distance between them, standing roughly seven or eight feet back with his hands in his jackets pockets, looking anywhere but at me.  
  
There were four of them aside from him, all with showing tattoos except for one, and looking to be in their mid twenties. If I was being honest they were all very handsome, a strange amount of attractiveness from one group of friends, but for some reason he stood out from the rest. Maybe it was the way he saved me earlier, the firm grip he had that somehow was still gentle, wrapping his arm around me and holding me off the ground so that I wasn’t hurt. I would be lying if I said it didn’t get my heart racing. It’s not everyday I’m saved by a mysterious bearded man. But then again I could just chalk that up to the fear from falling out of the bus, right? Or possibly just the nerves that come with awkwardly falling into the arms of some stranger? Either way, it was vexing for me. I wasn’t accustomed to feeling this nervous around anyone. But, I was positive of one thing: I was very self conscious around him. And I was very ready to blame it on how mortified I was when I fell off the bus.  
  
“Hey! Are you guys going on the tour?” one of them jogged ahead of the rest, flashing a friendly smile and waving as he approached. He was shorter than the rest, with a boyish face that was only made to look younger by his large ears and goofy grin.  
  
‘Yeah, man, what’s up,” Dan returned the amiable atmosphere, latching hands with him in a casual handshake.  
  
“We are, too, thought we’d introduce ourselves before the tour starts. I’m Alex, by the way,” he was a very friendly person with a boyish nature. He had disheveled chestnut hair and stubble along his jaw. He wore a sleeveless black shirt, and black jeans, with drum sticks sticking out of his back pocket. “This is Kevin, Josh, and Neil,” he said pointing at the different boys. “And that anti-social guy over there is Jeremy. He’s slow to warm to people, but he’s nice once you get to know him,” he smiled directly at me as he said this and I cocked my head to the side, my brows furrowed. Why did it seem like that was directed at me?  
  
All but Jeremy approached to shake hands with us. Kevin had a quirky smirk plastered on his face and a hat that he wore backwards, with blue eyes and short brown hair. He was muscular in build, and seemed like the big brother type. Josh had a gentle face with blonde hair that was almost ginger, though not nearly as auburn colored as Shae, with light freckles and weathered tan skin. He was the odd one out, not having any tattoos that I could see, where as all the other boys had vibrant sleeves. He had a soft handshake, and seemed like a calm, comforting person. Niel  
had a sturdy build with dirty blonde hair that was even more disheveled than Alex’s, pushed up almost in a faux-hawk, but not quite that coordinated. He seemed to have the most tattoos out of the group, as well as decent sized gauges and a more serious countenance than the others. He had a firm handshake, and was inviting enough, but had little to say while Alex and Kevin did all the talking.  
  
“We’re looking forward to spending the next six months on the road with you guys. What bus are you in?” They were talking to all of us, but Dan answered most of their questions, him being the most talkative and social of our group.  
  
“We’re in bus five, you guys can drop by any time,”  
  
“Yeah, man, we’ll be sure to do that!” Alex had a toothy grin as he bounced around while he talked. He seemed like Dan, who was always excited to make new friends.  
  
“Order six!” The girl in the window called and I shot up, ready to escape. I was terrible in social situations, usually depending on Dan and Shae to get me through them because they knew just how shy and awkward I could be. I trotted off away from the guys, though I could still hear them conversing, with the occasional laugh and chuckle. I took my time getting the food, gathering condiments we likely wouldn’t use, going at an intentionally slow pace. I was hoping by the time I went back they would be pretty much done with their conversation.  
  
When I turned back around I was surprised to make eye contact with Jeremy for the first time since his friends had wandered over. He looked up at me through long lashes, with an almost blank expression. We held each other’s gaze for a few seconds, dragging on forever it seemed, before I shifted my gaze, staring down at our to-go order as I returned. I peeked up at his friends shyly and nodded at them as Dan and Shae stood.  
  
“Well, we better be getting back, but it’s nice to meet you guys, we’ll see you around for sure,” Dan shook their hands once again as we departed, and I was quick to turn and begin walking back to our bus. Shae ran up, tugging on the back of my hoodie.  
  
“What the hell was that?” she squealed. Shae was easily the biggest helpless romantic I had ever known. Her thoughts always went to love and matters of the heart first.  
  
“Don’t ask questions, just keep moving,” I grunted, fast walking through the lobby, legging it to the bus. As we got farther away I slowed my pace and dared to glance back over my shoulder. As I did, I made eye contact with Jeremy, who was still staring in our direction as the other guys faced away. My chest leapt into my throat and I immediately faced forward again, turning red all the way to my ears.  
  
“I have never seen you this nervous around a boy,” Shae looked at me with wide, hopeful eyes.  
  
“Look, it’s because…” I looked around, leaning in closer to her as I said quietly, “I fell off the bus a few minutes ago and he caught me, and I’m just really embarrassed right now, okay?”  
  
“Oh my godddd!” She shrieked, jumping up and down. I grabbed on to her arms, trying to calm her down.  
  
“Shhh! What if he hears you yelling like that?! He’ll know it’s about him,” I whimpered, looking down.  
  
“You have no idea how exciting this is,” she was tapping both me and Dan’s arms as she wiggled around enthusiastically.  
  
“Can we just please forget it ever happened?” I moped at her. She didn’t respond, just continued to dance all the way back.  
  
“Come to think of it, the rest of the people on our bus will be there when we get back. You think you can handle this level of social activity all in one day?” Dan teased.  
  
“I think that would be a happy distraction for me right now,” I sighed as we opened the bus door, ascending the steps into the vehicle. There was excited talking as we approached, but as soon as we entered, the room hushed down immediately. There were three more people in there, all sitting on the couch, two boys and a girl. They introduced themselves as Natalia, Gabriel (Gabe for short), and Matthew.

 

**A/N:[Dan](https://36.media.tumblr.com/6232bd76cc3900d551e0c4c02e1b5c74/tumblr_ndk1c69IZr1tklapto1_1280.jpg) and [Shae](https://40.media.tumblr.com/03c5230cda4d6b6a3d534f904e233d2c/tumblr_mp2nd339xy1s3nktpo1_1280.jpg)**


	3. Chapter 3

“Has anyone seen a gray bag around? It has my hygiene stuff,” I asked as I walked out of the back of the bus, ducking into the bathroom as I searched around. I didn’t see it, turning back to check the dining area. As I rounded the corner, I ran into someone, my face hitting their chest.

“Oh! My bad,” I said as I lightly rubbed my nose, looking up and seeing Gabe. He was tall and tan, with dark brown hair and a thick beard. He had a lean, muscular body, with only a few tattoos and a soft face that almost seemed classic, like he was plucked right out of a movie.

“Were you looking for this?” he chuckled, holding out my bag.

“Thank you,” I smiled politely up at him. Everyone on the bus seemed really nice, and I wasn’t worrying too much about if we would all manage to get along for the next half year. I had experiences in the past where not everyone was able to be friendly with each other, some people are just too aggressive to live with strangers. But this time it seemed like everyone was really thrilled to be here, and I found myself getting more and more excited with each moment that passed.

We had been on the road for the past four hours, and were nearing our first destination. We would spend the night in the next city, play a show there the following day, and then leave the night of the concert, so we could sleep in transit. A lot of the tour would be spent like this, unless we were spending multiple days in one town. And on a few occasions, when they take the buses in to be checked, we’d stay in a hotel overnight, though this is only once or twice in the entire tour, and not for a few months at least. For now we were stuck with the tiny bunk beds to rest in. They weren’t so bad once you got used to them, though.

I yawned as I unpacked, stuffing things in a container under my bunk. The vehicle was humming rhythmically as we drove, and my lids started to get heavier with each moment that passed. Standing, I decided to fight my sleepiness and headed to the living area. I plopped down on the couch between Gabe and Dan, picking up a fantasy novel off the counter on the way over.

“What’re you reading?” Gabe lowered the newspaper he was scanning over and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees as he inspected my book.

“It’s called the sword of truth, it’s about a guy who doesn’t know he’s a wizard and he starts travelling to defeat the evil dictator that’s taking over the country, and his wizard grandpa has to train him,” I said in one breath, not taking my eyes off the passage I was reading.

“You must really like it,” he chuckled. I flashed him a quick smile and continued reading. All of a sudden my book was grabbed out of my hands. I looked over at Dan, who was reading out loud in a silly voice.

“And then! A burst of lightning shot from his hands!” He gasped, “and the hero was deeeead,” he faked dying.

“Richard would never be defeated that easily,” I scoffed, referring to the main character, standing in an attempt to take my book back from him. Every time I reached for it Dan pulled back in an irritating game of keep away. “If you don’t give it back I’m going to do something drastic,” I warned as I crouched, my fingers raised in a tickling position.

“Hah, as if you could, shorty,” he smirked back menacingly.

“Don’t test me,” I was smiling darkly as we slowly circled each other. I lunged at him and he jumped out of the way and up on to the couch. Gabe was standing out of the way with his arms crossed over his chest, an amused look on his face.

“Are you the hero in our time of need?” Dan mocked as we slowly mirrored each other. Finally I jumped onto the couch, too, just as he got down. It was my chance!

I pounced, but just as I leapt in the air, the bus hit a bump. Yelping, I flew up. And right into the arms of Gabe. He had rushed over, catching me just in time. We must have looked awkward, my forearms on his shoulders, one of his hands on my side, the other on my leg, and my chest in his face.

“I’m so sorry!” I said as he set me down, and I made a cringing apologetic face to show my remorse.

“It’s okay, I’m glad no one was hurt,” he said politely, seeming a little shy. I wondered if all my first impressions on this tour would turn out like this. Dan started cackling from a few feet away, and I glared at him. I was about to tell him where to shove it when Gabe started laughing too, muffled at first, and then genuinely laughing a good amount. A smile cracked across my face, too, and it seemed it was contagious because before long I was giggling into my sleeve.

“What is going on up here?” Shae and Natalia emerged from the bunks, confused at the sight of us all laughing, me and Gabe’s clothes slightly disheveled from the fall.

“Just Casey doing what she does best,” Dan teased. “My hero,” he said in a high pitched sing song voice as he lightly tapped Gabe’s shoulder.

“Please shut your mouth,” I shrieked, smiling as I shoved him playfully. Shae and Natalia looked more and more entertained as they fully entered the room.

“Look, Dan, she can’t help it,” Shae defended me, and I looked at her thankfully, “that’s she’s the clumsiest motherfucker on the planet. She’s just doomed to a life of eating shit all the time,”

“Traitor!” I gasped, faking a look of shock. She began to laugh mockingly as a voice yelled from the front of the bus,

“We’re here!”

I heard the breaks whine as the bus lurched to a stop.

“Thank god, I’m starving!” Shae declared as she threw the door open, climbing down the steps.

“We ate not long ago,” I scoffed, the rest of us following her out of the vehicle.

“I need sustenance,” she muttered, looking at our surroundings. We were at a campsite, the other buses all parked nearby. There was a small general store, a set of outdoor showers, a seating area, and a campfire ring. The clearing felt very woodsy, tall trees towering over the circled clearing. The air was crisp and fresh, and I stretched after being cooped up for so long. The first show was tomorrow so today we could rest up and adjust to life on the road.

We approached the seating area, seeing we were one of the last buses in, judging by the number of people gathered there. We made our rounds, introducing ourselves to everyone else on the tour. There were roughly thirty people, only three bands were on this one. We met the members for the bands that weren’t headlining, Nothing More and Adakain, and then mingled with the other roadies. As I was chatting, something caught my attention. I looked to the side to see Jeremy only a few feet away, talking with everyone else. My embarrassment from before had dissipated some, and I could look at him without feeling incredibly awkward. I made my way over to him.

“I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself earlier, but I’m Casey,” I said softly, my head angled towards him so I didn’t ruin the conversation the others were having. He stared at me blankly for a few seconds before nodding.

“Nice to meet you,” he mumbled, low and monotone, averting his gaze. I cocked my head to the side.

“I’m sorry about this morning,” I probed, my brow furrowed, wondering if that was why he being so cold.

“...Don’t worry about it,” he replied after a few seconds, his jaw clenched, him looking more agitated.

“...Okay… sorry,” I said meekly, turning to walk away. Once again I felt embarrassed, this time just for trying to make amends and introduce myself. I wouldn’t have come over here at all had I known he would still be acting that way. Frustration started to bubble in my chest.

“Sorry about him,” a friendly voice rang from behind me a few feet away. I turned on my heel to see Alex with his usual goofy and comforting smile. He was so personable, I was able to relax with him almost instantly. “He’s just grumpy from being on the road. I promise he’s not usually that rude,”

“Oh, it’s okay, you don’t have to apologize for him or anything,” I waved my hands in front of me. “I’m not too sensitive, so it doesn’t bother me,” usually that wouldn’t be a lie, but for whatever reason it was getting under my skin. I hadn’t felt like any of me and Jeremy’s interactions had been particularly bad, so I was a little lost as to why he would dislike me so much already. Sure, I plowed right into him earlier, but was that really enough to have someone irritated enough to barely look at me? I guess I just didn’t like feeling so annoying right off the bat, especially with someone who was so attractive.

Wait, what?

I looked up and over at Jeremy, my brows furrowed. He stood with one hand in his pocket and the other holding a drink, chuckling as everyone cracked up when someone made a joke. His black jeans hung loose from his hips and the arms of his solid black hoodie were pulled up a bit, revealing some of his tattoos on his wrist. He was slim and attractive, his broad shoulders shaking as he laughed, low and throaty. He turned his head and our eyes met suddenly. I snapped my head forward, eyes wide, really hoping he didn’t realize how hard I had been staring. Alex cocked his head to the side, his smile still hanging casually onto his lips.

“So!” I tried to distract myself from my stomach churning with nerves. “Um, tell me about yourself,” I say to Alex, shaking the awkward thoughts from my head, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Not much to tell. I’m the drummer for those guys, we’ve been on tour for a while now. This is the smallest tour in a while, though. What about you? Your name was Casey, right?”

“Yeah,” I smiled, finally feeling a little more relaxed. “This is a pretty small tour, but that’s not so bad. A lot fewer people to meet, but everyone is already getting along pretty well,” I said as I glanced around at the groups of people chatting and laughing, a lot of them with beers and cigarettes in hand.

“That’s true,” he looked around as well. “I’m betting there will be a bunch of guitars around the campfire in no time.”

“Oh, I hope so, that’s one of my favorite parts of tours,” I grinned.

“Yeah? Do you play?”

“Mmmhm, my dad is a musician, so there were instruments all around when I grew up. He’d probably cry if I didn’t know how to play at least a little,” I chuckled, thinking fondly about my family back home.

“What kind of music do you like?” he asked curiously.

“Blink 182 and Four Year Strong are my favorite bands, but I like a lot of music, like everyone else here,” I laughed.

“Do you know any Blink songs on the guitar?” his eyes lit up as a shit eating grin spread across his face. His energy was infectious as I began beaming, already knowing what he had in mind.

“Pick one: Online Songs or Every Time I Look For You,” I said.

“...Everytime I Look For You,” he decided after a moment.

“Yes! Let’s do it!” I cheered and he got excited, too. We took off for the buses and emerged with a couple of acoustic guitars.

“Dan!” I shouted, and held up the guitar for him to see. He caught my eyes and lit up, quickly setting down the drink in his hand and jogging over. This caught the attention of the others around us and they started cheering. This was a tradition on most tours. You would think that people got tired of playing music every single day for so long, but this is just what everyone here is passionate about. It never gets old.

We sat down near a the campfire that someone had just started, everyone gathering around and grabbing seats or just sitting on the ground, getting comfy. We started in on the song and there was an excited buzz in the air.

Never found out why you left him,  
but this answer begs that question,  
Too blind to see tomorrow,  
too broke to beg or borrow.  
Young and Stupid, left wide open  
Hearts are wasted, lives are broken

Everyone started bouncing around with the music, and I felt a smile force it’s way onto my face as I saw them enjoying themselves. This is what music is all about, bringing people closer together. I felt my chest swell with excitement as I played the guitar to the upbeat tempo of the song, my fingers sliding up and down the fretboard. The copper wire strings felt good under my fingertips and I couldn’t help laughing out loud sometimes as we tripped over ourselves during the song. We were laughing and singing in sync, our bodies swaying as we got more and more into the song. Alex was drumming on a bucket he found, and some others went and retrieved tambourines. Most of the group was singing together, our voices loud and filled with cheer. My face was starting to hurt from all the smiling.

As the song came to an end I handed the guitar off to another roadie, grinning as I stood and brushed myself off. Everyone started in on another upbeat song and I scanned around and met with a familiar set of eyes. My lopsided grin slowly faded and I glanced shyly down at my feet. Jeremy stood at a distance with a small group. Everyone else was chatting but his gaze was locked on me. I swallowed roughly and turned, walking towards the bathrooms. I felt the familiar warmth spread across my face, which I was starting to associate Jeremy with. It was really hard for me to feel at ease with him around and I didn’t like it.

I hurried into the small white-bricked building nearby, and walked into one of the few spacious stalls of the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and lifted my feet onto the seat, my face pressed into my knees, and sighed. Is this really how to first day of the tour is going to end? It was undoubtedly one of the longest days of the tour every time, but this time I just felt unsettled and warm in the face. Were things going to be this awkward around Jeremy for the entire tour? I was hoping I would get along with everyone and everything would go smoothly, too. There was just something about him that made me antsy. Maybe it was how cold he was right off the bat? Usually I would just avoid it if someone didn’t seem to like me, stay out of their way and steer clear of trouble, but this entire day it was just awkward eye contact and accidental run-ins with him. What did I do that was that wrong?! I groaned in frustration, letting my head fall to the side and dangle for a second before I sighed and stood. I flushed the toilet just to make people think I wasn’t a weirdo who would just go and sit in a bathroom stall to think (even though I was), and washed my hands. I needed to get back out there or Dan and Shae would start to worry.

I walked briskly out of the bathrooms, but I didn't get far before a hand wrapped around my wrist, making me jump.

“What the Hell?!” I yelped, a hand flying to my chest. “Jeremy?”


	4. Chapter 4

  
“Sorry,” he mumbled, dropping my arm. “I didn’t mean to scare you,”

I looked him up and down, a little skeptical, but he looked sincere. Possibly even a little sad.

“W-what’s up?” I breathed, still a bit shaken by his sudden appearance. It’s not like I don’t trust the people on this tour, but still, being suddenly grabbed behind the bathrooms in a secluded woods area screams stranger danger.

He stared at me for a moment, sighing and looking around, shaking his head a bit.

“Come here,” he grumbled, grabbing my wrist again, pulling me in the opposite direction of the others. I looked behind me helplessly as the sounds of singing grew farther away, and soon enough it was just me, Jeremy, and the sound of birds chirping in the woods nearby.

“What’s going on?” I panted. His strides were wide and fast, almost too much for someone as short as me to keep up with, I was practically jogging behind him. He glanced back and realized how strained I was and slowed down, clearing his throat and swallowing hard. His grip on my wrist loosened slightly and it felt like things were starting to calm down. We arrived at another eating area of the campsite with a few picnic tables scattered around. He walked up to one, dropping my hand and sitting on the bench facing me. Confused, I tensely sat down across from him, slow and hesitant.

He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and retrieved one, propping it on his lip as he lit it. He took a deep breath, releasing the smoke slowly around us, sighing.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he said, looking around awkwardly, not holding eye contact with me.

“Oh, it’s okay,” I said with a tone of surprise. “I know not everyone likes meeting new people,” I looked down at my hands in my lap, thinking back to when he blew me off at the campsite not long ago.

He actually turned and looked at me. “I mean for this morning. I should have been watching where I was going. I’m sorry if I hurt you...” he looked down as well, flicking his ashes off to the side. “I didn’t know how to ask… If you…” he stammered, looking frustrated with himself. “What I’m trying to say is, are you okay? Did you get hurt?” His face was hard set, guilt ridden. I was stunned into silence for a few seconds.

“…What? No! You didn’t hurt me at all, you really helped me! You like, zoomed in and saved me! And the way you grabbed me was so cool and attractiv- ”I caught myself as I began waving my arms around, pursing my lips and slowly let my head drop back down. We sat in silence for a moment. “...I thought you were mad at me or something,” I laughed quietly, relief spreading over me. His eyes shot up and he cocked an eyebrow. Slowly, he shook his head. It was silent for another moment before I stood suddenly.

“Can we start over?” I went and placed myself in front of him. “I’m Casey. It’s nice to meet you,” I smiled nervously, holding out my hand to him. He stared at it before he slowly raised his own and shook it. I swallowed, nerves shooting up my arm as our hands clasped together.

“...Jeremy,” his voice was low and smooth, vibrating through his chest and into the quiet air around us. “Nice to meet you.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It had been a week since the tour started and everyone was settling into their routines. Everyone was usually exhausted after shows, but it didn’t stop most of them from partying or hanging out afterward. A lot of people would pile into each other’s buses, or if there was a seating area that’s where you could find them.

I could hear cheering and shouting outside the bus window near my bunk, and I smiled at the familiar sound of people enjoying themselves, celebrating another successful show. Turning another page in my book, I looked up as Shae pranced through the door.

“How about instead of holing yourself up in here reading, you come out and experience the actual tour,” she teased, leaning against the wood, towering over me as she danced in place. “Come onnn, I want to go drink with everyone and I need my responsible best friend to watch over me,” she stuck her tongue out at me.

“I don’t know, this part I’m getting at in my book is really good…” I looked down at the novel.

“Casey Anne Holt,” she used my full name. I know what that means.

“Fine! Fine! Don’t use my middle name,” I groaned and put my hands up in surrender as I crawled out of the bunk and navigated around her. “Just give me a second to get dressed,” I motioned down to my black leggings and oversized sleep shirt.

“Hurrryyyy,” she whined, plopping onto her own bunk. I grabbed some clothes and threw together a comfortable [outfit](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=187789478), with some ripped black jeans I had forever, a soft gray tank top and beanie, and a denim jacket with gray sleeves and a hood. I slipped on my converse and returned to the back, grabbing Shae’s hand and tugging her towards the door.

“I’m ready, your highness,” I curtsied, and began laughing and running as she charged me. I turned as I ran, avoiding running right into Gabe, maneuvering around him.

“Gabe! Come with us!” I laughed, still dodging Shae, jumping around in the doorway.

“I’ll meet you guys out there,” he laughed, and we shot out of the bus into the night. Shae chased me down the long path to the seating area in the closed venue. There were no more fans here from the show, just the tour group.

“I... can’t! I’m… too out of shape!” I gasped as we arrived, leaning my hands onto my knees as I breathed deeply, trying to regain my composure. I would have been sweating had it not been so cold outside, the chilly air nipping at my nose, turning it and my cheeks rosy pink.

“You… Should stay in shape… You’re in your youth!” Shae panted beside me, just as out of breath if not more. I laughed and shoved her, continuing on towards the crowd of people in front of us.

“You guys look like you’re enjoying yourselves,” a voice chuckled from nearby, and we looked up to see Alex wandering over with Kevin and Neil. Over the past week we had gotten to know mostly everyone on the tour. All of the bands were really down to earth people, and easy to talk to. Everyone, still, except for Jeremy.

We had talked on the first day and cleared the air, but he was still quiet as ever. He frequently nodded in my direction when we made eye contact, and if I asked him questions he would respond, but usually in the shortest way, using simply ‘yes’ or ‘no’ if possible. I didn’t take it too personally as he didn’t seem to be the most talkative person anyway, and I tried to avoid thinking about if he had a chip on his shoulder against me or not. Really, I tried to avoid thinking about him at all, but that was easier said than done. Even if Jeremy was one of the people I talked to the least on this tour, I still saw him daily, and if I’m being honest it was refreshing. He had a certain air about him that made me want to stare for hours. It might have been stress relieving to look at him, or at least when he wasn’t looking back. When he was looking all I could feel was self conscious and nervous.

“You’re not enjoying yourselves enough!” Shae pointed accusingly, and we matched our pace with theirs.

“You’re right. We have to correct this, right away. There is no time to lose… We are in our most dire hour…” Alex said dramatically, staring off into the distance. If there was anything I learned about the boys from A Day to Remember over the past week, it was that I had them completely wrong. Aside from Jeremy, all of them were incredibly friendly, and most of the time very silly. They played pranks on each other and other tour members frequently, and even when they seemed stressed they did their best to smile through it. If anything, Jeremy felt like the dad of the group, making sure no one was fucking up too badly, always watching, and sometimes joining in.

At one point he was having a water fight with the others, spraying each other down despite the cold January weather. I looked on for a few minutes while he laughed and screamed with them, but at some point he spotted me and straightened up, watching from the sidelines after that. He just seemed to be a serious person, but I was starting to wonder if he was just shy, or slow to open up like Alex had said.

We walked under a tall green awning where temporary lights were set up, and people had dragged out coolers with beer and sodas. I fished out a couple of ciders and handed one to Shae, sipping on it as we all huddled into a little circle. After a while I was feeling warm in the tummy, despite the cold around me, and I could feel my cheeks warming, too, a faint buzz spreading through me.

“You guys are having all the fun without us!” a voice shouted. Suddenly a body shoved up against my back and the group was split open just enough for Josh and Jeremy to squeeze in. Jeremy was next to me, his arm pushed against mine as Josh pushed and shoved around, messing with Alex. He glanced down at me as we jostled together, trying to steady himself, giving me a slightly apologetic look. My arm buzzed with heat as it hit his.

I swallowed and took a step back to give them some room, feeling the bundle of nerves in my stomach start eating at me again.

“I’m gonna grab another drink,” I said to Shae as I walked backwards, finally turning and heading for the cooler. I trashed my empty bottle, but didn’t grab another one, instead glancing around and walking towards the stages. I wanted to go cool my head.

I climbed the short steps to the backstage area and lifted myself onto a permanent speaker off to the side. Looking out at the empty standing area, I wondered what it was like to see hundreds if not thousands of excited bodies dancing in front of you, jostling each other, amped up because of the music. It must be a powerful feeling, to see that you can let so many people have a good time. Music was powerful in that way. It could make people dance, and laugh, and smile, and it could make them cry and it could make them angry. It’s emotion floating through the air waiting to be taken in and felt. Musicians break off a piece of their own feelings and hand them out to everyone in the crowd. It must be one of the most satisfying feelings in the world, to show everyone your side of the story and they genuinely stop and listen.

“It’s nice over here,” I jumped a little, startled by the sudden voice behind me. I craned my neck back to see Jeremy walking slowly over. “It’s quiet.”

“Yeah, it’s a nice change every once in awhile,” I laughed quietly. The silence settled over us, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. We could hear music and laughter and shouting in the distance.

He leaned against the amp I sat on and looked out at the arena beside me.

“It sucks sometimes, you know,” he said, still staring out. I snapped my head up.

“What? I thought it would feel amazing for anyone brave enough to get out in front of so many people,” I said concernedly.

“Yeah, it does, but then they also get to all see you drenched in sweat,” he laughed. Everything Jeremy said was quiet, but it felt like the world shushed to hear him speak. He didn’t have a large or imposing voice, but I always heard every word he said loud and clear.

“I guess that’s true,” I smiled, looking down, my hair falling into my face. Maybe it was the cider, but I was feeling more relaxed with him than I had all week. “Do you want to take a walk with me?” I asked tentatively, with one eye shut and the other looking at him, wondering if that was a stupid question to ask. He stared for a moment before nodding, shoving his hands in his pockets. I quickly stood, surprised by his acceptance and lightly nodded back. We fell into the same pace side by side, walking slowly along the stage front.

“So what made you want to tour?” I asked, surprised I was having an actual conversation with him. This was much farther than we had ever gotten before.

“I don’t know, I just always knew we were meant for it. As soon as our band started I knew we’d get here. So, after we decided to go on our first tour we just… Didn’t stop, I guess. What about you? You don’t seem like the roadie type, to be honest,” he glanced over at me.

“What exactly is the roadie type?” I laughed, holding his gaze.

“Outgoing, loud, want to party all the time. Not everyone, but I think that’s a good summary of this lifestyle for most people on tour,” he chuckled.

“What, I don’t strike you as outgoing? I’m a total party girl,” I rolled my eyes sarcastically, playfully twirling my hair around my finger. We came to a set of stairs and I trotted down them, clasping my hands together behind my back as I walked. “No, I know I don’t really suit the lifestyle. But there’s just something about the energy in people on tour. Everyone is here to help each other, and we’re all having the same experiences. I think traveling on your own can be really enlightening, but there’s really nothing like sharing your travels with thirty plus other people. That combined experience… I don’t know, I guess I think it brings people together. Which is what music does, right? Touring can suck and it gets dirty and sweaty and gross, but it’s still a group of people who came together to make people happy with music. I don’t think I’d feel right doing anything else with my life right now,” I smiled to myself.

Jeremy was silent beside me, and after a bit I looked over, nervous that I took his question too seriously. I was always bad with small talk.

Much to my surprise he was just staring at me with a soft, surprised gaze. We held eye contact for a few moments and looked away simultaneously. I felt a blush spread across my cheeks.

He cleared his throat and furrowed his brows, responding quietly, “I know how you feel.” Nodding softly, he pushed his hands deeper into his pockets. “... At some point, do you want to maybe-”

Jeremy was cut off by Dan’s loud, booming voice. “Casey!! Come on, we’re packing the equipment up!!” Up ahead everyone was hustling and bustling, rolling things into the u-hauls and onto buses. Gabe stood off to the side, waving, pointing down at some boxes.

“Oh! Um… What were you saying?” I looked between them and Jeremy, feeling torn.

“Don’t worry about it,” he shook his head, “I’ll see you around,” he waved goodbye, walking ahead towards his band mates, helping lift a rack of guitars into storage. I know I was just talking about how much I loved my job, but I couldn’t help feeling bitter toward it at this moment. Just when Jeremy started acting like a real person and talking to me normally I got pulled away. I didn’t know why I was feeling so disappointed by how our conversation ended, but a big part of me was wishing we were still back on the empty stage with no one to interrupt us. Usually I felt uneasy around him, words hard to find, but tonight was different. They flowed easily, and I felt like I wanted to know him more, and vice versa. Tonight I was aching for just a few more minutes alone with him.

 

 

A/N: [Gabe](http://41.media.tumblr.com/0f62ce3ba542e67352fef5203acc5e12/tumblr_ncq1hsXyKR1tklapto1_1280.jpg)


	5. Chapter 5

  
I groaned, raising out of my bed as I heard loud sounds from the front of the bus. My hair was a mess, hanging in my eyes and all around my face. My sleeve was hanging off my shoulder and my legs were tangled in the sheets. I heard a crash, and soon following it, a bout of laughter. What was going on?  
  
I knew I wasn’t the only one who was confused as I heard Gabe grunt from across the way, shifting in his own bunk.  
  
“What’s all that noise?” He groaned, swinging his legs down and hopping onto the floor. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. This was a common sight already.  
  
“I still don’t know how you can go shirtless when the weather’s _this_ cold. You’re off your rocker,” I said weakly as I stood, stretching. While I was used to Gabe’s bare body, he couldn’t seem to get used to mine.  
  
“You can’t really say that when you’re not wearing any pants,” he blushed and looked away.  
  
“Sorry, but I don’t have any clean pj’s right now,” I pouted at him, sticking out my lower lip, not even making an attempt to find pants. It’s not that I wasn’t self conscious around guys, but Gabe was quickly starting to feel like a brother to me. We did a lot of things together on the tour. He helped me lift anything I couldn’t and I helped him get plugs into small spaces he couldn’t fit into. Aside from working together he was also a really nice drinking buddy because much like myself, he didn’t drink all that much, so at the end of the night we were never more than a little tipsy, and that can be nice when everyone around you is drunk off their ass.  
  
We emerged into the front of the bus to find Dan, Shae, Natalia, and Matthew all huddled around something in the kitchen.  
  
“What are you guys doing?” I asked from right behind them. They all screamed, jumping up and backing away from me.  
  
“Jesus, Case!” Dan held a hand to his chest. “Try not to be so fucking sneaky next time, yeah?” he shook his head. I smirked at him, ignoring his irritation and leaning around to see what they were doing.  
  
“What the fuck is this?” my face twisted in confusion, my eyebrows raised.  
  
“It’s a science experiment, okay? We still need to be learning on the road,” Natalia laughed, motioning toward the concoction on the counter top. They had a vase which was full of an awful, sour smell.  
  
“Oh my god, is that vinegar?” I cringed away from it.  
  
“Yes, and this is the secret ingredient,” Matthew scampered over and poured something in, “Bam!!” he yelled as the liquid plopped into the container. Suddenly it started smoking, and a horrible smell filled our noses. It burned.  
  
We all started coughing, toppling over each other to get out of the bus. The gas was pouring over the edge of the container, and my eyes burned the longer I was in there.  
  
“What the fuck was that, Matt?!” Natalia yelled, coughing into her arm.  
  
“Don’t you mix vinegar and bleach to make the volcanoes in school?!” He shouted back innocently, very very confused.  
  
“That’s baking soda, dumbass!!” Dan screeched, rubbing at his eyes.  
  
“Matthew, bleach and vinegar together can be poisonous,” I said with a concerned voice, laying one hand on his arm, the other draped over my chest to try to stay warm. My bare legs were shaking and the ground was painfully cold on my bare feet.  
  
“Holy shit… You guys, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Matthew’s eyes were wide open and glossing over, seeing how angry everyone was. “I promise, I would never have done that if I knew. Completely my bad,” he shook his head, looking down in shame.  
  
“Yeah, well maybe use your head next time, and not put everyone else in danger,” Dan snapped.  
  
“Hey! He’s trying to apologize,” I said, standing half in front of Matthew. “He didn’t mean to, Dan, everyone makes mistakes,”  
  
Dan grumbled under his breath, retreating. He would never yell at me, but someone he wasn’t close with was a different story. But I didn’t like seeing everyone still being pissed when he was clearly so remorseful. Everyone seemed on edge, but the anger was dissipating.  
  
“Well what are we gonna do for the rest of the night?” Shae looked around at our dark surroundings.  
  
“What time is it?” I had noticed it was dark out, but I was assuming the sun was about to rise, and that my tour mates weren’t so rude as to make so much noise in the middle of the night.  
  
“3 a.m.,” Dan gave a guilty smile. I was wrong.  
  
“Are you kidding me?!” Gabe and I groaned at the same time, and I planted my hand against my forehead. There was still a small party going on down the way a bit, but most of the people had retreated to their beds already after the long show today.  
  
“What do we do now?” my whole body was trembling and I was dancing up and down trying not to let my feet sit for too long, and get some circulation moving. It was freezing cold out.  
  
“I guess let’s dump that fuckin’ vase out, and open the windows and let it air out. We can’t sleep here tonight, though,” Dan sighed, putting his chin in his hand thoughtfully. “Every man for himself? Go see if there’s anyone who will let you crash on their couch. There’s not a bus that can hold all of us, but there are enough for each of us to go find a spot for the night.”  
  
“I’m gonna… go find a place... “ I said, my teeth beginning to chatter. Everyone else looked cold, but only Gabe and I were half naked. They nodded at me as I turned away, bouncing towards the sounds nearby. As I got closer I began to feel more and more self conscious about how little clothing I was wearing, but more than that I was exhausted. I was shaking hard, holding the upper half of my body and rubbing my arms.  
  
“Casey? What happened?!” Kevin jogged over looking very concerned.  
  
“Do you… Want the long… or the short version?” I said between my teeth chattering.  
  
“Short for now,” he said, placing his hand on the small of my back and pushing towards their bus. “Let’s get you inside,”  
  
“Poison gas in our bus,” I said and he gave me an incredulous look. “I’ll tell you the details… Later…” I shivered.  
  
“Okay, okay, you get in there. I’ll be right back, I’m gonna go try to get some extra blankets and check on the rest of your group. Just hop in my bunk,” he said as I climbed the steps. I nodded at him, pulling the door open and stepping inside. I was breathing heavily, my lids getting more and more heavy, the bottom of my feet aching and stinging.  
  
I heard feet shuffling and looked up. Jeremy stood there, one hand rubbing his eye, the other dangling by his side. We had obviously woken him up, but I think the sound of my teeth chattering confused him. He looked up with a perplexed expression at the sound and his eyes widened.  
  
He rushed over, with a look of concern I had never seen him make before. I began talking before he could ask any questions.  
  
“Poison gas in our bus… so cold… Kevin said… Get in his bunk...” I shook as I spoke. He began blushing, looking away from me with his eyes set against the wall, his brows furrowed. I looked down, remembering my lack of bottoms. My lacey black underwear were visible and I must have turned a thousand shades of red. I dropped my hands away from my arms, pulling my shirt down. I opened my mouth to say something but no words would come out. He looked at me again, this time surprising me by moving towards me. I took a step back, not sure what he was doing, but held still as he got closer. He wrapped his arms around me and I could hear my heart beating in my ears.  
  
“J-Jeremy?” my voice was raspy and weak, my knees shaking, but maybe not only from the cold.  
  
“It’s just as bad,” he mumbled, his breath hot on my ear. My mind was reeling, and I felt like my knees would give out at any moment.  
  
“What?” I croaked out, stepping back. He used his head to gesture down at my body, though his eyes were focused up on the ceiling. I looked down and my stomach dropped. Not only were my legs and panties completely visible, you could clearly see my nipples and chest through the thin material of my sleep shirt, very apparent from the cold weather. I yelped, wrapping one arm around my chest, using the other to pull my shirt down. I bit my lip, feeling tears start welling in my eyes. This was so humiliating. Jeremy stiffened and finally turned around, taking several steps forward. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do if he left. Stay here? Get in Kevin’s bunk like he told me? I looked around, confused and trying to think of solutions.  
  
Jeremy stopped, glancing back at me for no more than a second before he held his hand out behind him.  
  
“Come on,” he muttered gruffly, his palm extended towards me. I stared at it for a moment before reaching out and shakily taking his hand, feeling my ears and face burning. My mouth was dry and it felt like my stomach was in my throat. He pulled me suddenly and I stumbled in front of him, him ushering me in from behind, his eyes still trained on the ceiling. He pointed to one of the bunks without looking at me and I gratefully climbed in. I wrapped myself in the warm blankets and melted into the sheets. I sighed contentedly as I leaned back against the wall, my eyes closed and comfort seeping over me in waves. Jeremy turned to leave.  
  
“Wait,” I whispered, catching the back of his shirt in my hand. I looked up at him with puppy eyes. “Where are you going?” I whined pathetically, my voice small and gravelly. His face softened and he turned, kneeling beside the bunk.  
  
“That’s Kevin’s bunk, you can sleep here tonight. I’m going to find him and check on things,” he murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I swallowed and settled back, nodding.  
  
“Come back quick,” I whimpered as my lids got too heavy and I drifted off to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

  
**~*~*~Jeremy’s POV~*~*~**  
  
I sighed, turning over in my bunk. My leg felt numb, and there was a strange weight on my chest. I moved my hand down and felt skin. I ran my fingers down the expanse, finding it was soft, and bony in some places. Something smelled nice. Like daisies and flowers. Soft hair tickled my nose. Slowly my eyes cracked open and I felt content. I hadn’t slept that well on a tour, ever. As I went to stretch I found my arm pinned beneath something.  
  
As I looked down I almost sat straight up in shock, but caught myself, trying to remain calm. My jaw clenched and I bit my lower lip, not sure what to do. Laying half on top of me was Casey, her long, brown hair sprawled across the bed, one of her legs draped over mine and her arm stretched across my chest. I felt my heart rate increase and my chest and stomach were tense. My head shot up as I heard giggling in the doorway.  
  
Kevin and Alex were peeping into my bunk, their hands over their mouths, quietly laughing like little school girls.  
  
“Very funny,” I whispered irritably. “I thought she slept in your bunk,” I said to Kevin, moving slowly to try to get out from beneath her, but to avail. She shifted, her face contorting into a small pout.  
  
“I guess she got lonely,” he cackled, and made a teasing face while pointing at me and doing finger guns.  
  
“Enjoy your little moment,” Alex laughed as they retreated, and I heard them clamber out of the bus, the door shutting behind them. I looked down at the girl in my bed. She was slender, short though her legs were long for her height. Her tan skin glowed with the sunlight that filtered in through the window. She looked soft and tranquil, her chest rising and falling with each breath. I could see a few tattoos scattered across her body, one on her thigh, a few on her lower legs, another on her shoulder and the back of her arm. She had flowers climbing her hip. I swallowed hard, trying not to look too much, sure that she would be uncomfortable with such prying eyes.  
  
Slowly, slowly, I lifted her arm and shivered as her fingers brushed across my chest. The places they did felt searing hot, and a knot formed in my throat. I pulled my leg out from beneath her, watching her face the entire time. Once I was out released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding in. I rolled softly off the bunk and tip toed out of the room, glancing back at her. She was breathtaking, soaking in the sunlight in my bed, looking peaceful as she slept. I shook the thoughts from my head. I shouldn’t be thinking about her like this.  
  
It was a nice change from last night, though, when she looked so cold and uncomfortable. My stomach dropped at the thought. I could see it clearly in my mind. Her small frame trembling in my arms. Her teeth chattering from the cold. She was weak and helpless. It made me want to hold her, protect her.  
“Fuckin a,” I sighed, lumbering over to the kitchen sink, throwing cold water on my face. It was unusual for me to feel this way about someone I had known for such a short time. I was protective of my friends and family. I always put them first. But Casey is an acquaintance at best. The fondness for someone so unknown was foreign to me. I grunted in frustration, ruffling my own hair in irritation, and stomping over the the door. Slipping my shoes on, I stumbled out of the entryway. I needed to get some air.

  
  
**~*~*~Casey’s POV~*~*~**

  
My eyes slowly cracked open, my mouth incredibly dry as I pushed myself up. I looked around, confused about my unfamiliar surroundings. This wasn’t my bed. It had white sheets and a gray comforter, with only a few pillows in contrast to the large stack on my own bed. There were photos on the wall and ceiling of the small space, moments captured of smiling faces and good times. One in particular caught my eye. Jeremy stood grinning with the rest of the band and two older people, a man and a woman, with his arms thrown over their shoulders. I could tell by the dark hair and facial structure that they were his parents. Another one nearby was him and Neil riding a 4 wheeler together, their fists pumped in the air. This was a common theme in the photos, all the boys laughing, up to their usual antics. I couldn’t help but smiling softly at the treasured memories.  
  
It quickly dawned on me where I was, and that this was Jeremy’s bunk. I looked around nervously. There was no one else in sight on the bus. The more I thought about it, the more I was confused. I thought I slept in Kevin’s bunk last night? I remember the comforter I was bundled up in was black, not gray, and facing the opposite direction of this bunk. Perplexed, I slipped away from the bed, looking at my surroundings. I gasped,my fingers flying to my mouth in a moment of realization. It must have been when I got up to go to the restroom last night. I was so tired… I looked up, a very concerned look crossing my face. Was Jeremy in the bunk last night? Where was he now? Did I wake him up and chase him out of his own bed?  
  
I groaned and rubbed the back of my neck, thinking of the best plan of action. Glancing around I grabbed the first pair of basketball shorts I saw and pulled them on, hoping they weren’t too dirty. Judging by the size they must have been Alex’s or Jeremy’s, thought they were still a bit baggy on me.  
  
I poked my head out of the door, looking all around before I made a dash for my bus, roughly twenty feet away. I busted in, and spotted two of my bus mates.  
  
“Man, you look like hell,” Dan said from the kitchen as he leaned on the sink with a cup of coffee in hand. I could only assume it was safe to be in the bus again from their relaxed countenances.  
  
“What time is it?” I winced, the bottoms of my feet still sore, a few little cuts on the sides and bottoms from walking around a music venue without shoes on.  
  
“Like 9 o’clock,” Gabe chimed from the couch. “Are you okay? Kevin said you were staying in their bus,” he looked concerned. I tried to hide the blush on my cheeks.  
  
“So he stopped by after all, huh?” I mosied on over and dropped onto the couch near him.  
  
“Yeah, him and Jeremy,” I looked up at the mention of his name, quickly realizing and then looking around in an attempt to be nonchalant. I decided not to mention whose bunk I ended up in.  
  
“Did you guys find a place to sleep?” I asked them both, met with similar small nods.  
  
“I slept on Nothingmore’s couch, he slept on the floor,” Dan said, motioning his head to Gabe.  
  
“That’s rough,” I gave him a consoling look and he gave me a soft smile.  
  
“Yeah, you’re the lucky one who got an actual bed,” Dan quipped, smirking at me.  
  
“It’s not my fault no one gave you a bunk,” I laughed, pulling my legs up onto the couch.  
  
“Yeah it is,” Dan pouted, crossing his arms over his chest. “I think you’ve been out talking shit and now everyone hates me,”  
  
“Oh yeah, _thaaat’s_ it,” I said, my voice thick with sarcasm. “Where is everyone else?” I glanced around, seeing no signs of anyone else but us on the bus.  
  
“They haven’t come back yet, but I’m pretty positive Shae and Natalia stayed in the other roadie bus and Matt stayed with Adakain,” Dan confirmed.  
  
“Well I’m gonna hop in the shower,” I sighed as I lifted out of my seat, grabbing a change of clothes as I went. Locking the door, I ran the water for a few moments before climbing in, grateful for the warmth that spread over me, goosebumps rising on my arms and legs. My feet stung slightly from the cuts, but it quickly dissipated as I felt the waves of comfort cascading over me. This was exactly what I needed after last night.  
  
When I finished I rung my hair out and toweled off, getting dressed and hopping towards the door of the bus.  
  
“I’m gonna go check on the other girls,” I received two indifferent grunts from the guys as I climbed out of the bus, heading towards the other roadie bus. I tapped on the door and it was opened shortly after by a kind of short guy with a lot of tattoos, looking me up and down. I recognized him as one of the sound guys and awkwardly nodded at him as he moved, allowing me to come in. He soundlessly disappeared into the back of the bus, not without sparing me a few glances, as Shae and Natalia appeared in front of me.  
  
“That guy is kind of creepy,” I commented as they walked over to me.  
  
“Yeahh, he was kind of weird last night when we stayed. A total mouth breather, too,” Shae whispered, looking in the direction he walked.  
  
“That’s Ramone. Just try to avoid him. He’s got kind of a skeezy reputation on tours,” Natalia commented, motioning with her head for us to follow her off the bus. We all clambered out and soundlessly began walking towards the front of the venue to grab some breakfast before we hit the road, part of our usual routine. As we approached the small area set up for breakfast I spotted the ADTR boys and told the girls I’d be back in a sec as I jogged over.  
  
“Hey,” I said, tapping Kevin’s arm as I arrived. “I just wanted to thank you guys for last night, you really saved my ass,” I smiled at them, avoiding Jeremy’s gaze as they smiled back.  
  
“Anytime! That sucked ass that it happened to you, though,” Kevin replied, shoving a bite of cereal into his mouth, holding the paper bowl with his other hand. They all started talking amongst themselves and I briefly glanced at Jeremy. I gave him a small wave and he raised his eyebrows momentarily, nodding back and looking away. I excused myself and returned to the girls, glancing over my shoulder as I walked away, but Jeremy didn’t look at me at all, like he was trying to avoid me.  
  
“What’s eating him?” Natalia grumbled, noticing it, too.  
  
“I’m not sure… Maybe he’s just tired,” I shook my head, feeling slightly dejected. I tried to shrug it off. “It’s our first real free day on the tour. Do you guys want to do anything?” I asked as we approached the food table, grabbing a bagel and some fruit. We made our way over to a small bench off to the side.  
  
“Not really but I’m guessing I’m going to be forced to,” Natalia was usually pretty irritable, but it was just a part of her personality, and we had all learned not to take it personally in any way. Her straight across bangs dangled against the frame of her glasses as she sighed into a styrofoam cup of coffee, crossing one leg over the other.  
  
“Of course we’re doing something!” Shae confirmed, grabbing onto Nat’s arm. “It’s our first free day, there’s no way we’re sitting around on our asses doing nothing,”  
  
“But that’s the charm of a free day,” Nat whined, sipping down more of the hot liquid, looking more and more awake with each moment that passed.  
  
“Nope. It’s a ladies day,” Shae smirked, a glint in her eye. “Time for…” she looked at me dramatically, “Shopping,” she said, like she was a movie narrator.  
  
“Pleaaase, no,” Nat started to get up to leave in protest and Shae grabbed her arm again.  
  
“Come onnn, we hardly get to act like girls around here, okay? We have limited wardrobes and some days are so busy we can’t shower. We have to take advantage of the few opportunities we get to act like the ladies we are!” Shae definitely had a girly side to her. She liked doing face masks and putting makeup on herself and everyone around her, regardless of their gender. She liked to play dress up and she loved shopping, too. There were some things that just weren’t worth arguing about with her, because she could be very persuasive when she wanted to be.  
  
“I don’t have a problem telling Dan where his toothbrush went the other day,” Shae threatened in a low voice. Nat gasped lightly, looking at her with wide eyes.  
  
“You wouldn’t! I didn’t mean to drop it in the toilet…”  
  
“Yeah, but you’re the reason he hasn’t been able to brush his teeth in two days. Do you know what Dan does to people who mess with his stuff, accident or not?” Shae danced two fingers up Nat’s arm menacingly. While I knew this was an empty threat (Dan would understand and likely didn’t care), Natalia did not, and I didn’t want to face Shae’s wrath by calling her out. And so I watched on, amused.  
  
“...Fine! You win!” Nat threw her arms up, muttering under her breath as she tossed her empty cup into the trash. It would be nice to have a girl’s day.  
  
I smiled the entire walk over to the mall, the whole time we browsed around and tried on clothes, and I was still smiling as I laid down to sleep that night. The girls had been silly, throwing witty banter back and forth all day, each of us picking outfits for each other. Everything was going so well and I never wanted it to end. I was hoping things would stay this way forever.


	7. Chapter 7

Everyone was rushing around, caught up in the hustle and bustle of the show. Nothing More had just finished their set and we were on a slight intermission. I ran back and forth as people needed me, bringing different tools and checking cables, making sure everything was ready to go for the boys’ show. I was only on sound crew every once in awhile, but I was starting to get used to the fast pace of it. We had a good fifteen minutes before they needed to go on, and everything was right on track. I looked over and saw Jeremy talking with one of the sound techs. Smiling, I made my way over.  
  
“Hey!” I grinned at him, the other guy nodding and walking away, leaving just the two of us. “I didn’t really get to thank you for the other day,” I felt my face start to warm, remembering how embarrassed I was that night. “I mean I thanked everyone, but I wanted… To thank you personally,” I looked down at my my feet, suddenly feeling shy. After a moment of silence I looked up to see Jeremy looking off to the side, his face hard set and unmoving. “Um, but yeah, that’s all… I had to say…” I felt my stomach drop. Were we right back where we started? I had felt like we had bonded recently, at least talking here and there, having normal conversations. Now everything felt tense, like it had a couple weeks ago when the tour started.  
  
Jeremy stared at me for a long second before nodding, saying, “Yeah no problem. I would have done it for anyone. Don’t worry about it,” and walking away. I felt my face flush and I stood motionless for a second. I felt stupid for thinking we were friends. I shook my head, regaining my composure. I was at work. This was no time to feel sorry for myself.  
  
“Hey, Holt,” someone called to me. “Can you go check those wires up there and make sure they’re securely connected?” a man with a clipboard and headset was motioning to a ladder nearby, where some cables were strung above the equipment. I nodded and headed that way, scaling the ladder slowly. I wasn’t terrible with heights, but ladders I wasn’t too fond of. It wobbled slightly beneath me, and I nervously let go of the bars to reach up and check the cables. As I was running my hands along them I felt the ladder begin to tip. I yelped, latching on to the top, bracing myself to fall, my eyes shut tight. But just as quickly as I felt the ladder move, I felt it stop, held steady. My breath caught in my throat. Jeremy?  
  
I looked down with hope filled eyes. Maybe I just misinterpreted? Maybe he came back to clear things up? I felt my excitement crumble as I realized it wasn’t Jeremy who saved me, but Gabe.  
  
“Are you okay?” he asked, concerned. I felt bad for feeling disappointed that it was him.  
  
“Thanks to you,” I smiled gratefully. His face erupted with a wide grin and I couldn’t help but feel better. Gabe was good at that. He always made me feel taken care of, protected. I couldn’t help but think of my two older brothers back home, Ryan and Joey. I felt like they would all get along.  
  
I finished checking the cables and climbed down, Gabe resting his hand on my lower back as I stepped off the last step.  
  
“Let me do things like that next time, okay?” he said with an apprehensive tone, taking a step closer to me and looking straight into my eyes.  
  
“But, Gabe, I have to do my job,” I laughed, but his face stayed serious.  
  
“At least let me do the dangerous things. I don’t want you to get hurt. Come and get me next time, okay?” His voice was pleading and he gave me puppy dog eyes.  
  
“Okay, if it means that much to you,” I nodded up at him. A look of relief spread across his features. “Thanks for helping me. I’ll buy you dinner,” I beamed at him, flashing him a toothy smile. He returned it and nodded, going back to work, seeming more giddy than he had before. I turned, still smiling, and locked eyes with Jeremy. He looked slightly upset, his mouth turned down in a dissatisfied frown. I cocked my head to the side, confused, and he turned, walking out towards the stage with the other guys. Why was he so upset? Maybe he was irritated that I took over his bunk? Maybe I really did kick him out of his own bed…  
  
I cringed at the thought. I would be mad, too. And I even thanked him! I groaned, dropping my face into the palm of my hand. I could be such an idiot sometimes. Sighing, I turned, seeing them starting in on their first song. Their energy was amazing, and the audience was completely tuned in to everything happening on stage. Jeremy was bouncing around, screaming his heart out into the microphone. My gaze didn’t leave him, completely focused as he thrashed around, every word perfectly in sync with the rest of the band. They were playing a great show and the atmosphere reflected it, all the fans jumping with the beat of the song. I couldn’t help but admire his dedication. He looked good on stage, passionate.  
  
I stood off to the side for most of the set, not only watching but also keeping track of everything happening during the show, making sure nothing went wrong with the sound. As one of their last songs ended Jeremy looked over, our gazes locking. I almost looked away, but decided against it this time. Nervously, I gave him a small wave and an apologetic smile. His face softened and after looking at me for a few seconds he nodded, the corners of his lips turning up slightly before he continued with the next song, no longer looking in my direction. I almost did a victory dance, and a goofy smile burst across my face. I turned, making my way to the stairs, deciding to make myself useful. The show was about to end, and they would need me more at the merch table.  
  
As I trotted down the steps I hummed along with the familiar songs I had been hearing for a couple of weeks now. I bobbed my head up and down with the beat, almost making it to my destination before I was intercepted.  
  
“Heyy, Casey,” Ramone, the creepy guy from the other bus appeared before me, stumbling slightly.  
  
“Hey, Ramone,” I replied, a little confused since we hadn’t spoken for the first time until yesterday. I didn’t know he even knew my name.  
  
“Do you wanna come… spend some time on my bus…” he slurred his words, wiggling his eyebrows. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He was clearly very, very drunk.  
  
“Uh, thanks for the invitation, but no thank you,” I smiled politely, trying to walk around him. I felt his sweaty hand wrap around my forearm and I swallowed nervously.  
  
“What? Don’t be like that,” he snapped, starting to pull me in the direction of the door.  
  
“Ramone, I don’t want to.” I grunted, trying to push his hand off of me, pulling in the opposite direction.  
  
“Too fuckin’ bad!” his eyes were bloodshot. He jerked me toward him, his greasy face too close for comfort. “Be a good girl and do as you’re told,” he purred in my ear. I felt disgusted, dirty just for being so close to him, getting a strong whiff of his B.O. and seeing his yellowing teeth up close.  
  
“I said no. You’re disgusting,” I grimaced, ripping my arm away. Just as I said it I felt his hand slam across my face, my cheek burning with a hard slap. My head whipped to the side and I stumbled, shocked at the situation, my hand raising to my stinging face. Tears brimmed around my eyes with the pain and I looked up, burning with rage. I stepped forward, my nostrils flaring, and I threw my entire weight into a punch right to his nose. To my surprise another fist collided with his face at the same time. Ramone howled as he fell to the floor, cradling his face in his hands. I could see some blood seeping out of his nose, but it didn’t look broken. Unfortunately.  
  
I gazed up at the other person who came to my defense and froze. Jeremy stood there, panting, looking pissed as hell. His eyes burned with ire as he looked up at me, grabbing my upper arm, dragging me out of the club angrily. He stormed down the side of the building and as we rounded the corner he roughly pulled me to his chest, his arms wrapping around me tightly. I was stunned, standing with my mouth agape for a moment while my mind reeled over this entire situation. My face still throbbed from the slap, but I forgot it even happened for a moment as I inhaled Jeremy’s familiar scent. Laundry detergent, soap, and a whiff of cigarettes. I could feel his heart pounding with adrenaline, my face pressing softly into his collar bone. I felt his arms wrapped tightly around my waist and sides, and my own heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. My entire body was alight with nerves, and I felt my mouth go dry, my head starting to spin.  
  
I took in a deep, shaky breath and Jeremy loosened his grip, though still not releasing me. His mouth was near my ear, much like Ramone’s was, but this time I wasn’t repulsed. My ear felt hot as he spoke against it.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
I nodded into his shoulder, my hands clinging lightly to his shirt. I didn’t know if I could find my voice right now, and decided not to speak. He buried his face into the nape of my neck and I stiffened. I was a nervous wreck.  
  
“I’m so fucking pissed,” he muttered, his breath trailing across my collar bone. I swallowed and tried to talk, but a throaty squeak was all that came out. He pulled back, seeming to come back to his senses, shaking his head and releasing me. “Sorry,” his voice was gravelly and he looked down. I shook my head, stepping back.  
  
“Thank you for coming to help me,” I breathed out, not sure where to look. I could feel my face was on fire and I hoped it wasn’t too obvious.  
  
“You seemed to have things under control, though,” he chuckled, breaking some of the tension. I smiled down at my feet and laughed quietly. “Can we just… Stay out here for a few minutes?” He implored. I nodded, taking a few steps towards him and leaning on the wall next to him. “I’m sorry I got so pissed… I can’t believe that scumbag,” his voice was venomous, his hands balled tightly into fists, knuckles turning white.  
  
“Thank you for getting angry on my behalf,” I said quietly, taking his hand between both of mine. He tensed at first, but then seemed to calm down, his shoulders relaxing, eyes fixed on the ground. “I don’t know if it’s another something you would do for anyone, but I really do appreciate it.”  
  
His eyes flashed up at me and his face softened. Shaking his head, he began, “No, I wouldn’t do that for just anyone. I wouldn’t have done either of those things for just anyone,” my head snapped up and I looked at him, confused.“I get protective over my friends,” he clarified.  
  
I smiled, happy he considered me a friend, but for some reason I felt my stomach sink, and disappointment crept over me. Why was I hoping he would say something else? I should have been plenty content just knowing that we could go back to talking normally, but for whatever reason I couldn’t shake the feeling of discouragement.  
  
“We should get back in there,” I said, releasing his hand. He nodded, following me back towards the doors. Ramone was nowhere in sight and I could only assume he was escorted away by staff. He likely wouldn’t be continuing the tour, at least I hoped he wouldn’t.  
  
“Casey!!” Shae shouted as she ran at me, wrapping her arms around my neck, practically lifting me off the ground. “Are you okay?! Where did he hit you?! What the hell happened?!” she was talking a mile a minute. I chuckled, pushing her back gently.  
  
“I’m fine,” I said,” my cheek hurts a little but no real damage.”  
  
“I can’t believe that asshole, I’m gonna beat the shit out of him,” she sounded angry as she hugged me again.  
  
“We already took care of it,” I laughed, sharing a glance with Jeremy, hugging her back. Gabe jogged over, wrapping the both of us in a hug.  
  
“Oh god, Casey, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there,” he sounded distressed, lifting us from the ground, squeezing tightly.  
  
“Gabe… Need air…” I wheezed and he set us down, not pulling back from the hug.  
  
“I told you I would help you and I wasn’t there when you needed it the most,” his face looked pained.  
  
“It’s okay! It’s not your fault that guy is a creep,” I comforted, setting my hand soothingly on his shoulder. “It’s all over now.” I looked over at Jeremy again, but this time he looked frustrated, and I followed his gaze to my hand on Gabe’s arm. I pretended I didn’t see it, returning my attention to my friends, but still mulling over his irritated face in my mind. Why was he so frustrated all the time? Why did it always seem like one minute he hated me and the other he was protective? There was only one thing I could gather from all of the questions swimming in my mind, and that was that Jeremy was hands down the most confusing individual I had ever met. And also that I was falling for him. Hard.


	8. Chapter 8

  
**~*~*~1 and a half years ago~*~*~**  
  
“Casey, can you grab shirt 4 in a size medium?” the merch manager asked me as I buzzed around behind him, grabbing shirts left and right for people. I nodded, finding the one he asked for, tossing it to him. I had worked up a sweat running around with how busy it was after the show. The tour had two large bands, Of Mice and Men and Pierce the Veil, and several smaller bands. The merch booths after shows were swamped every time they ended. Steadily, but surely, the crowd began to dissipate.  
  
“Hey, have you guys met Dan? He just hopped on this tour,” another roadie walked up with a tall blonde man with tattoos at his side. The few of us behind the table offered small waves and nods as he made introductions.  
  
“Dan, this is Casey,” he gestured at me and I turned to see him fully. He seemed a little nervous, scratching the back of his head awkwardly with his nose scrunched. I maneuvered around the stacks of boxes, brushing my hands off on my shorts and holding my hand out. He shook it and seemed to relax a little.  
  
“Nice to meet you,” I smiled politely and he returned it with a small nod.  
  
“I’m gonna leave him here with you guys, so just tell him where everything is,” the other guy said as he walked away, talking into a small radio.  
  
“Is this your first tour?” I asked as I clambered back into the boxes, grabbing a few albums to set on the table to replace ones that had been bought.  
  
“No, my second, but it’s definitely the biggest one I’ve been on,” he was quick to start helping, handing me merchandise as I laid it out. We fell into a rhythm, restocking things quickly and easily. “What about you?” he asked.  
  
“It’s my third. Last time I was on Warped Tour, and that was intense,” I laughed. He gave me a surprised look.  
  
“How was that?” he asked.  
  
“So ridiculously hot. Kids were fainting from heat stroke left and right, it was a mess. Touring is also a little more intimidating and dangerous with so many bands. I probably won’t do a big tour like that again,” I shook my head, thinking back to the 100 degree days and constant drunk band members stumbling around the buses at night, being noisy. I hardly got any sleep on that tour.  
  
“That sounds miserable, I’m so sorry,” he laughed, shaking his head. “Where are you from?” he questioned as we pushed empty boxes to the side.  
  
“Portland,” I tossed a box behind a barrier behind the tables, “But my family has moved around kind of a lot, so I can live pretty much anywhere,” I grinned proudly.  
  
“Why did you move so much?”  
  
“Well, my dad works in music, so we were always moving for his job, wherever they needed him. He has his own studio now, though,”  
  
“Wow, that’s fuckin’ awesome,” he chuckled. “Who’s your dad?”  
  
“Jonathan Holt. He’s not famous or anything,” I laughed, feeling proud of my dad. He worked so hard all my life to get where he was. No matter how many times he uprooted me and my brothers, we always tried to be supportive. We knew it was his dream.  
  
“Well, still, that’s really cool that your dad is into music,” he nodded as we finished up. “Did your mom hate moving all over the place?”  
  
“My mom didn’t go with us. My parents got divorced when I was a kid, so it was just my dad and my brothers. And, well, me,” I shrugged. He nodded slowly. “Okay, now it’s your turn! Where are you from?” I said as we began to move away from the area, and seeing that the venue was almost empty we began walking towards the exit.  
  
“Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I grew up on a farm,” he chuckled. “Impressive, I know,”  
  
“Did you have animals?” I asked excitedly.  
  
“You bet your ass. We raised rabbits, chickens, goats and horses. No cattle, but plenty of animals around. It was a pain in the ass, we had roosters crowing at the crack of dawn,” he groaned at the memory.  
  
“That’s amazing,” I giggled. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for a farm boy,”  
  
“Don’t tell anyone. I have a reputation to uphold,” he popped his collar.  
  
“You just got here,”  
  
“Reputation. I’ve got one.”  
  
“Yeah, the new guy,”  
  
“Look, do you wanna go back to my bus and marathon three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or not?” He looked at me, dead serious, and I lost it. I started laughing, my hands on my stomach, taking a good minute to recover as he continued to make goofy faces.  
  
“I didn’t know we had these plans but I would love to. We have to watch the seasons with Angel, though,” I said obstinately. He rolled his eyes, smiling nonetheless.  
  
“Yeah, whatever you say, your highness,”  
  
 **~*~*~Present Day~*~*~**  
  
“Hey, your highness, what do you want to drink?” Dan poked me roughly in the shoulder, handing me a plate of food. We sat with everyone else on the tour in a large temporary tent, everyone helping themselves to the catered food the venue provided.  
  
“Tea, pleeease,” I sang, taking the plate gratefully, thinking how some things never change. I smiled fondly at the memories of when I first met Dan. He really hadn’t changed at all since that first night I met him so long ago. I shoveled the warm food into my mouth and closed my eyes. I had hardly eaten all day. “Pasta is my favorite,” I sighed, content.  
  
“Try not to drool on anything,” Shae said as she shoved a large helping into her mouth, making a ridiculous face at me as she turned her lip up, trying to stick her tongue out despite the food almost falling out of her mouth. I laughed, shaking my head, shoving her face away from me and trying to eat without spitting any of it up from her stupid looks.  
  
My meeting with Shae was pretty similar, we hit it off right away. We met through Dan later that same week. She had joined the tour at the same time as him. Luckily for us, the hiring agency the tour manager goes through brings everyone in from the same city, Miami, so we were able to stay close even after the tour ended. As I thought about our meeting I felt a pang of sentiment, throwing my arm around Shae’s shoulder. With a mouth full of food I mumbled, “I love you, you sack of potatoes,” laughing as I tried to kiss her on the cheek, and she tried to squirm away.  
  
“Don’t kiss me with food in your mouth!” she squealed, throwing her arms in front of my face. I cackled evilly, shoving back and forth until I finally won, planting a wet one on her cheek and grinning victoriously. Eventually I swallowed my mouth full of food.  
  
“Are you sure you want to act like that when loverboy is only a few tables away?” she narrowed her eyes at me. My gut sank at the thought of Jeremy seeing me acting so silly.  
  
“I… don’t know what you’re talking about,” I turned my head away, looking upward to avoid meeting her gaze.  
  
“You little liar!” she squealed and I dodged her stare even more.  
  
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, you sound crazy!” I retorted, practically turning my entire body away from her. She stood from her chair, shoving her face into mine.  
  
“I can read you like an open book, Casey Holt, don’t you shit me,” she smirked as she spoke quietly. I looked down for a moment before I ran my finger through the red pasta sauce on my plate, smearing it across her cheek, grinning like a madman as I jumped up from my chair. “You’re dead!” she laughed wildly as we took off, running out of the tent at full speed. I knew people were staring as we left, even Jeremy. But tonight I didn’t care. Tonight I was loving this tour and the great friends I had on it.  
  
“Really, you guys?! I made you plates and got you drinks and you’re just gonna run around all night?” Dan shouted jokingly, his hands raised in the air above him. We both saw him and turned, making a bee line for him.  
  
“What are you doing?!” He yelled, concerned as we charged straight at him. Jumping in the air, we threw ourselves onto him, tackling him to the ground, laughing until our stomachs hurt.  
  
“We loooove you,” I said as I rubbed my head on him and Shae did the same. He groaned from his place on the floor.  
  
“Can’t you show it a little less?” he whined as he wrapped his arms around us, too. These were the best friends I could ever ask for.


	9. Chapter 9

“What are you hoping to accomplish by dressing like that?” I asked as I looked Dan up and down, him wearing only plaid boxers, black crew cut socks, and one of Shae’s tank tops stretched painfully across his torso, which was much wider than hers.  
  
“Getting all the ladies, obviously,” he replied, shooting finger guns at me. I rolled my eyes.  
  
“Please change before you embarrass yourself,” I told him, hopping off my bunk, making my way around him and towards the kitchen on our bus.  
  
“It’s a fashion statement,” he smirked, following me. I looked up just in time to see Shae’s eyes land on him, looking him up and down as her jaw dropped open, and her blank stare turned dark.  
  
“Is that my shirt?!” she shrieked, storming over to him.  
  
“You borrowed my shirt yesterday, so I was just assuming we were making trades,” he sneered jokingly.  
  
“Dan! You’re ruining it! Take it off!” She yelled as she tugged on it, and Dan turned away and wrapping his arms around his torso.  
  
“No! This is sexual assault!” he gasped, waddling in the opposite direction of the angry girl.  
  
“Dan, seriously, I really like that shirt!” she fumed, now tackling him to the ground. He went down with a loud thud, his limbs flying around in defense as he wailed dramatically.  
  
“I really liked the Slipknot shirt you stole from my bag!” he retorted, blocking her fingers as they pried at his clothing, the both of them writhing around against the laminate flooring.  
  
“That’s different!”  
  
“How?!”  
  
“I didn’t ruin your Slipknot shirt forever!” she grunted as she finally got her fingers under the fabric, ripping upwards towards his head.  
  
“You should have asked first!” he moaned, trying to block the shirt from coming off by throwing his arms upward towards the ceiling.  
  
“We’re past that point in our friendship!” She was clearly very frustrated as she wriggled around atop him, their limbs smacking into each other repeatedly and her hair dangling in his face.  
  
“True. But this shirt just looks _so_ good on me,” he was laughing now, fighting less and less at her attempts to strip him as he lay giggling beneath her lanky frame. As they continued flailing around the floor, the bus door creaked open, and Natalia emerged with several people in tow behind her.  
  
“Hey, I invited the guys over since we’re parked for a while, and-” she stopped talking as her eyes rested on the events unfolding in front of her. “What the hell are you doing?” her eyes widened and her brows furrowed, her jaw gaping open. Behind her, Neil, Kevin, and Jeremy stepped in more to get a better view. They all had mixed looks of surprise and amusement. I, on the other hand, became increasingly more self conscious upon realizing Jeremy was here, and straightened up. Shae finally got the shirt over Dan’s head and stormed to the back of the bus, probably making a feeble attempt to salvage her ruined tank top.  
  
“Why do you treat the poor girl that way?” Nat sighed, shaking her head as she made her way inside, the guys filing in behind her and shutting the door.  
  
“Because we need some excitement in our lives,” he winced as he stood up, clearly a bit sore from Shae’s rough handling, walking slowly over to me with a hand rubbing his side.  
  
“We literally _live_ on tour, where we travel daily and meets tons of bands and are surrounded by music and partying all the time. Our lives are the epitome of excitement,” she stared at him with an eyebrow raised. He gave her a toothy grin and shrugged, jumping up onto the counter with his back to me. I inched my way behind his back, out of sight from the doorway, a newfound shyness creeping over me.  
  
“Case, why are you hiding back there?” Dan called me out, looking over his shoulder and I gave him a surprised look.  
  
“Who’s hiding? I’m not hiding, I’m… Getting an apple!” I grabbed the fruit from the counter, holding it up defensively. He cocked one eyebrow.  
  
“Oookay,” he said, finding my behavior strange. He looked at me for a few seconds before getting a lopsided grin on his face, jumping down from the counter, coming around and grabbing my upper arm.  
  
“Come on, Casey, I need your help finding new clothes,”  
  
I gave him a strange look, not sure what he meant. All his clothes were in the same duffel bag under his bunk. I followed him nonetheless, regretting it as soon as he closed the door behind us in the bunk room.  
  
“You’ve got a crush,” he stated in a matter of fact tone, leaning against his bedframe. I rolled my eyes.  
  
"I knew it." Shae pulled the curtain back from her bunk, the events that just took place washed away by her interest in this subject. "You totally have one," she grinned as she joined the conversation.  
  
“I do not. Let me out,” I said, trying to maneuver around Dan, but to no avail as he blocked my way to the exit.  
  
“Yes you do, I can tell!” He whispered excitedly. “Though I’ve never seen you have a crush before in the year and a half I’ve known you.” He cocked his head to the side. “Usually you think of every guy as an instant friend or brother figure,”  
  
“Yeah, for real” Shae shook her head disappointedly.  
  
“I can’t help it, I grew up with a house full of guys, I just relate to them,” I pouted. “I don’t have a crush, can I just go please?” I pleaded with them, trying to dodge around him, only to be blocked again.  
  
“Not until you spill,” they were both staring at me intensely, hovering in closer with every passing second. I sighed, crossing my arms across my chest.  
  
“Fine. I might. I don’t know, okay? Maybe? It’s been years since I had a crush,” I grumbled, scuffing my shoe against the floor, not meeting their eyes. Shae began squealing as quietly as she could and Dan started smirking. “But I’m not telling you guys who,” I said obstinately.  
  
“That’s fine, you’re easy enough to read,” Dan smirked as he finally let me by, and I gave him a frustrated look as I exited the back, grumpily returning to the front. Nat gave me a questioning look and I pouted.  
  
“They’re just bullies,” I muttered, plopping down onto the couch. She laughed, nodding understandingly. Everyone began finding their seats and after a moment the only real space left was on either side of me. Neil dropped onto one side, and Jeremy made his way over cooly, perching himself on the other. Dan’s words that I was easy to read echoed in my mind and I tried not to be too awkward, too obvious.  
  
“Do you guys wanna play some video games?” Nat asked as she turned on the television. A chorus of yes’ and cheers broke through the room and she set everything up, slipping Halo into the Xbox.  
  
“This is like the only multiplayer game we have,” she said. “So if you don’t like it then tough titties,” she passed around four controllers, to me, Neil, Jeremy, and Kevin. “I call next,” she said and sat at the table, sitting back and crossing her leg over her knee.  
  
“Sorry, Casey, but I won’t go easy on you just because you’re a girl,” Neil teased.  
  
“Oh no, what ever will I do. Neil doesn’t want to go easy on me,” I mocked. He made funny faces at me for the next few minutes while we set up the game, and immediately as it started I found him and got a headshot. I grinned victoriously.  
  
“That’s not fair! I wasn’t paying attention,” he was fixated on the TV now, his whole body moving with the controller. We continued playing and my kill streak continued to climb, the boys becoming bitter over time as I killed them off repeatedly.  
  
“What the fuck, Case, you didn’t tell us you were this good. At least give us fair warning,” Kevin grimaced as I meleed his character and he died.  
  
“I didn’t know I had to make an announcement about it,” I laughed.  
  
“Well you do!” Neil whined as he tried to sneak up on me but I tossed a grenade at him before he could reach me. I was feeling really confident until all of a sudden I was sniped, dying for the first time the entire game. I glanced over the name that read across the screen, realizing Jeremy had killed me. I turned to him, a little surprised, and he gave me a smile that could make me melt. I gave a shy smile and turned back to the screen.  
  
After some time passed I was able to settle down, finally feeling comfortable despite the fact that Jeremy was sitting so close. We were all getting a little competitive, to the point that most of us were shouting as we played, me and Neil standing in front of the TV, our eyes fixed with intensity on our characters.  
  
“You won't get me this time, Holt,” he said, his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth, set with determination.  
  
“Try not to cry when I crush you,” I retorted. Just as I was about to kill him I felt a hand wrap around my wrist and pull me down. I fell backwards onto the couch, considerably closer to Jeremy than I had been before. I looked at him, confused, just as I heard Neil begin celebrating.  
  
“Yes!! Fucking suck it!” he shouted, jumping up and down as he killed my character. Jeremy made an apologetic face.  
  
“I couldn't see the screen,” he said guiltily.  
  
“Sorry! I didn't realize how into it we were getting,” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. He gave me a soft smile and shook his head.  
  
“Sorry for giving Neil a chance to kill you. It kind of didn't count, though,” he directed at Neil, and Neil’s head snapped in our direction.  
  
“I will take literally anything I can get,” he said with no trace of remorse.  
  
“You ass,” Jeremy chuckled, shaking his head. I smiled and settled into the couch next to him as we continued to play for a little longer, but eventually handing our controllers off to Nat and Dan, who had regrouped with everyone at this point. Dan narrowed his eyes at me, looking between Jeremy and I. I refused to meet his gaze, instead focusing intently on my fingers as I twiddled my thumbs. A few moments of silence passed as everyone played and I grew more nervous without the game to distract me from Jeremy’s presence. I could feel a warmth spread through my stomach and up into my cheeks, feeling like I was suddenly struck with a fever.  
  
“Have you guys eaten yet?” Jeremy asked leaning towards me, pulling me from my thoughts. I looked up at him abruptly, a little surprised by the sudden question, and shook my head ‘no’. “We should probably grab some food before the buses leave again for the night,” he said. I nodded in agreement. Everyone heard him say this and began to set down their controllers and stand, making their way towards the doors, starting to chit chat as they exited the bus. I followed suit, beginning to descend the steps as I felt a hand graze my arm and looked up to see Jeremy lagging behind.  
  
“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?” he asked, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Though I  
was confused, I obliged, stepping back into the entryway of the bus, shutting the door. I heard the voices of the others trail off as they walked away, and soon it was just the two of us in an almost deafening silence.


	10. Chapter 10

“What’s up?” I asked, swallowing nervously, staring shyly down at my feet. We were in Arizona at the moment, and even though it was early January and winter was at it’s strongest in most places, here it was just a little crisp, a comfortable 65 degrees Fahrenheit. Because of that I had [dressed](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=189172841) lighter than usual, with only a pair of black denim shorts that fell a little above mid thigh, a long sleeved black henley shirt, a baggy green parka, and my black vans shoes. I could see the goosebumps that had risen on my thighs from standing near the door where it was breeziest and I felt a lump forming in my throat.  
  
Jeremy stood maybe a foot and a half away from me, looking a little nervous, but with a gentler expression than I was used to.  
  
“The other night with Ramone… I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I checked on it and they fired him. You don’t have to worry about seeing him around… If you were worried, that is. If you weren’t then I’m sorry for meddling. Unless you’re happy I meddled, then I’m not sorry. Well, not that I’m not sorry, I just-”  
  
“Jeremy,” I interrupted, shaking my head. “Thank you. That… means a lot. That you cared enough at all. It’s really sweet of you,” I held his gaze, a smile tugging on the corners of my lips. He started to smile back slightly. With the distance between us I could see specks of green and gold in his hazel eyes, my breath catching in my throat. It felt like we were floating there, time suspended around us, not breaking eye contact. It felt like he could hear every thought in my head.  
  
“Yeah,” He breathed, breaking eye contact and clearing his throat. I looked away, a blush creeping onto my face. What was I thinking? “Of course… How is your cheek? Does it hurt?” his voice sounded a little shaky as we both turned slightly, avoiding each other it seemed.  
  
“N-no, not anymore after that first night,” my words were hard to catch, feeling like if I didn’t force them they would sit in my chest forever. I felt my hands trembling, and I couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or the nerves. I shoved them into my jacket pockets and let out a shaky breath.  
  
“Are you cold?” his eyes looked me up and down and I shook my head.  
  
“Just a little, but it’s nice,” I smiled. “I like the cold… We should catch up with the others,” I said, turning to exit the bus, reaching for the handle. His hand caught mine, and I looked back to see him staring at me, pleading with his eyes for me to stay.  
  
“Um… Actually, there was one more thing…” he said, and I turned slightly, waiting to hear him out. “This week… We have a free day, and me and the guys were thinking about going somewhere. Like an amusement park, or the beach or something. Would you… want to join us?” he bit his lip lightly and my stomach leapt. I started at him in silence for a moment. “Unless you have plans already, it’s fine if you say no,” he looked down nervously. My hand was still in his, sparks shooting up my arm.  
  
“No, no I don’t!... Have plans, that is. That… that sounds really fun,” I laughed softly, and his head snapped up, a spark in his eyes. My heart squeezed and I felt goosebumps erupt across my body, making me shiver. He took a step closer and my stomach jumped up into my chest.  
  
“Are you sure you’re not cold?” his eyes studied my face, and I could feel his body heat.  
  
“Y-yeah,” I rasped, my voice throaty. I was worried he could hear my heart beating in my ears like I could. We stood there, unmoving, wrapped in a blanket of silence. I couldn’t stop thinking about his hand on mine, or how warm he was in front of me. I looked up and caught his eyes. We felt so close…  
  
“Hey, what’s taking you guys so long?” a loud voice erupted from behind us as the bus door was pulled all the way open. I yelped, jumping forward, into Jeremy’s chest. Quickly I realized and took a step back, giving him an apologetic look before I turned, seeing Dan before us. “Oh… Sorry for interrupting,” his eyebrows were raised high, his face surprised. He wasn’t used to seeing me alone with boys, that was more of a Shae kind of thing to happen.  
  
“No, we were just heading out,” Jeremy said quietly, resting his hand on the small of my back, gently nudging me out the door. I began nodding, shooting Dan a weak look, but he simply smirked at me. Feeling self conscious and a little embarrassed, I walked faster than the guys, trotting along ahead of them as I heard them chat behind me. I felt eyes burning into my back but refused to turn around. Soon enough I caught up with the rest of the group, looping my arms through Shae and Nat’s. They both looked at me.  
  
“What’s wrong?” They asked in unison, looking me up and down, seeing my red face and the awkward movements. I shook my head at them.  
  
“Later,” I mumbled, and they looked at each other and back to me, giving a firm nod. I was grateful to have two friends who knew when I needed some space or time for my brain to catch up with my emotions. My mind was reeling, going over what just happened on repeat. I couldn’t believe I had such a tender moment with Jeremy, the king of being mysterious and confusing. Though it was rare, on a few occasions I felt like I got to see the real him, and not the cold front he usually put up. The him that was warm and comforting and protective. The him that would go out of his way to make sure I felt safe and secure.  
  
I could feel my stomach twisting, both unsettled and excited. Adrenaline was pumping through me and I felt weightless. Despite the anxiousness I had tumbling around inside me, it also seemed like I could do anything right now. I began to feel antsy and hyper, trying hard to suppress my goofy smile.  
  
We walked a good ways, and after about twenty minutes reached our destination, which I didn’t know a thing about until we arrived.  
  
“A bar? I thought we were going for food,” I laughed, staring up at the red neon sign that read ‘Rudyard’s Pub’. The building had a slightly old fashioned feel to it, red brick towering above us with a patio off to the side buzzing with excited chatter. It was mostly people looking to be in their mid twenties or early thirties going in and out, several people leaning against the wall, smoking and chattering. The atmosphere was friendly and lively as we walked through the heavy, green entry-way door, classic rock playing on the speakers, drowned out by the sounds of the large crowd of people.  
  
“A bunch of others are already here, so we figured this was a good spot to end up,” Shae clarified, walking ahead of me a bit. Familiar faces came into view, and I saw Gabe waving enthusiastically. I grinned, making my way over to him.  
  
“Hey! I was wondering where you went earlier,” I said as I approached, giving him a quick hug. There were several other roadies gathered at a table beside us, as well as several members of the other bands. Everyone already seemed to be sufficiently tipsy or drunk. “How long have you guys been here?” I asked, looking back to Gabe.  
  
“Umm… Like an hour?” his cheeks were rosy and he seemed relaxed. I could tell he had been drinking his fair share as well. I chuckled as I looked him over. He was slouched against the brown wall with a beer in hand, a tired, lop-sided smile crossing his face. “I’m glad you’re here,” he drawled, throwing an arm over my shoulder. I laughed, leaning into him as I spotted Shae walking over with two pint glasses in hand.  
  
“Look who’s enjoying themselves,” I teased, poking Gabe in the ribs. He chuckled deeply, swatting my finger away. I took the glass Shae extended to me, sipping on it as I realized it was pear cider. Soon enough I had downed half of the glass, and I could feel my stomach warming as I drank. Though I wasn't even remotely tipsy, Gabe was quickly getting more and more inebriated. He began rambling to me about how much he was enjoying the tour.  
  
“Like, everyone is _so_ nice. So nice! I love everyone on this tour. Everyone is so amazing,” he was leaning to one side and I pulled him back up with his shirt. He began giggling and I couldn’t help but laugh at him, an incredibly tall guy who looked like he could kick your butt in a second, snickering like a teenage girl at a slumber party. This was a good distraction from how flustered I had been earlier.  
  
At the thought, I glanced over at Jeremy. I looked at him for a few seconds before he turned, our eyes meeting. He shot me a soft smile and I returned it, the warm feeling in my belly intensifying. It felt like I was burning up inside.  
  
“Especially you, Casey,” Gabe mumbled from beside me and I turned my attention back to see him staring intently at my face. I looked at him fully, confused.  
  
“What?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.  
  
“You are so wonderful. I’m so glad I met you,” his penetrating gaze was intense, and I found it hard to look away when he seemed so serious.  
  
“I’m glad I met you, too, Gabe,” I laughed, trying to break some of the tension that had grown, not quite sure why he had become so stern all of a sudden.  
  
“I’m serious,” he was slurring less now, his words clear and sharp. “You’re so beautiful,” he finally tore his gaze from my eyes and took a lock of my hair, spinning it between his fingers. I felt an awkwardness settle over me, looking away from him, seeing Jeremy staring intently out of my peripheral vision. I decided to try concentrating on Gabe, though, not sure what was going on with him. I had never seen this side of him.  
  
“Gabe…” I said, looking up at him shyly. He could see that he was making me uncomfortable and dropped my hair.  
  
“Sorry,” he muttered after a moment, maneuvering around me, heading towards the door. I began to walk after him but felt someone rest their hand on my shoulder, looking up to see Shae.  
  
“He looks like he needs some air,” she said sympathetically.  
  
“That was really weird,” I cocked one eyebrow as I sat down at the end of the table next to Dan.  
  
“You know what’s weird?” He said, honing in on me, completely changing the subject. “Walking in on your best friend all cozied up with a guy when she barely tells you she likes someone,” he whispered, smirking.  
  
“Dan!” I hissed, slapping his arm as he laughed. “It’s not like that! He was just making sure I was okay,” I said under my breath, shooting glances at Jeremy, who was staring out the window, seemingly unaware of our conversation topic, which I was thankful for.  
  
“Uh-huh, making sure you’re ‘okay’,” he said, using air quotations. “He just wanted an excuse to snuggle up to you,” he shook his head, taking a swig of beer from the bottle in his hand.  
  
“Jeremy doesn’t see me like that,” I blushed, looking down at my own drink.  
  
“Alright, so you’ve instantly confirmed my suspicions that he’s the guy you’re into,” I shot him a glare as he said this. “And now you’re counting yourself out before you’ve even tried?” he gave me a firm look. I knew this side of Dan very well. He was always trying to push people to go for the things they wanted, and didn’t like watching his friends give up easily. It was a quality I admired about him.   
  
“Oh my god, don’t even start with me, Dan,” I rolled my eyes. “Look, it’s not something you rush, okay? What if I don’t even like him? I don’t know what this feeling is. I get really flustered and nervous around him, and I’m always looking for him in a crowd. But at the same time all of those things make me want to run away from him, and my stomach feels queasy and I get so _shy_ when he's around me. It’s all so new. I've never been so intimidated by someone at the same time as feeling drawn to them like a fucking magnet. And anyway I’m not looking to go forcing anyone to act interested in me. Especially Jeremy,” I pouted down at my hands as we spoke quietly, feeling Dan staring at me.  
  
“Wow, Case, I had no idea you were in this deep,” he chuckled and I looked at him with obvious irritation. “Alright, alright. I’ll leave it alone,” he said, raising his hands up in surrender. “For now! Don’t think this is over,” he tutted, ruffling my hair. Groaning, I leaned away, drinking the rest of my cider before sighing and standing up.  
  
“Do you want another?” I asked Shae and she grinned, nodding furiously.  
  
“I am determined to enjoy myself tonight, come hell or high water,” she sighed contentedly, leaning back into her chair. I laughed at her, walking away and approaching the bar. I stood at the end for a few moments, waiting for the bartender to get around to me, until something outside the window caught my eye. My brows furrowed and a look of concern crossed my face as I spotted Gabe sitting on the curb, head in his hands.  
  
I abandoned my quest for the drinks as I promptly made my way out the door, making a bee-line for the sad man, slumped over pitifully.  
  
“Are you okay?” I asked, resting a hand comfortingly on his back. He jumped slightly, his back muscles tensing, before realizing it was me and relaxing. He sighed, dropping his head back into his hands.  
  
“No,” he muttered, shrugging my hand off of him. Frowning, I sat carefully beside him on the sidewalk.  
  
“What’s the matter?” I asked gently, craning my head so I could see part of his face. He looked depressed, a heavy pout on his lips.  
  
“You wouldn’t understand,” he sighed, turning away from me. He still had some of his tipsy drawl from earlier, and I could tell the alcohol was still affecting him.   
  
“I can try,” I implored, leaning in closer to him, resting a hand on his knee. “I’m here if you need someone to listen.”  
  
He looked at me miserably, seeming to question himself for a moment before he caved, leaning into me, wrapping his arms around me. I smiled softly, returning the hug, rubbing his back as he sank into my shoulder.  
  
“There’s this girl,” he muttered, and I gasped, perking up. I put my hands on his shoulders, pushing him back to look in his eyes.  
  
“You have someone you like?!” I asked, excited. I had only known Gabe for about a month, but he became an important friend to me in no time. Hearing about another aspect of him, exploring the parts I didn’t know, was refreshing for me. It made me feel closer to him.  
  
“Yeah,” he seemed to cheer up a bit, smiling, albeit sadly.  
  
“So what’s the problem?” my face dropped, realizing things might not be going so smoothly if he was sulking out here.  
  
“...She doesn’t see me like that,” his head dropped.  
  
“How do you know?” I asked, my hands still on his shoulders.  
  
“I can tell. She sees me as a really good friend,” he sighed, dejected, and I pulled him back into a hug.  
  
“Well, maybe if you tell her how you feel then the way she sees you might change,”  
  
“I can’t tell her,” he shook his head roughly.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“I… live with her…” he said slowly and my eyes widened.  
  
“It’s someone on the bus?!” I gasped, looking at him with surprise. He nodded slowly, not meeting my eyes. “Oh my god, is it Shae? Is it Nat??... Is it Dan?” He glared at me at the last suggestion and I gave an apologetic look.  
  
“Look, I can’t… I can’t tell you who it is quite yet, but give me some time. I’ll tell you, just not now,” his eyes were hard set, staring intently at the ground. A wave of understanding washed over me and I nodded, standing and offering my hand to him.  
  
“Come on,” I said as I stared down at him.  
  
“Where?” he asked, confused, but still taking my hand and standing.  
  
“Just trust me,” I grinned, pulling him off in the opposite direction of the bar. I glanced back just in time to see Jeremy looking at us out the window. I turned quickly, my face flushing. I walked away faster.


	11. Chapter 11

  
“Where are we going?” Gabe shot me a concerned glance as I pulled him quickly down the sidewalk, passing by dinky gas stations and small car shops overgrown with weeds. It would seem we weren’t in the best part of town.  
  
“...I’m not sure,” my face scrunched up in thought and I cocked my head to the side.  
  
“What?! You don’t even know where we’re going?!” He pulled his hand away, grabbing me by the shoulders and turning me to face him. “Then why did we leave?!” He was exasperated, his face wrought with confusion. “Come on,” he sighed, shaking his head. It was his turn to grab my hand, and he began walking back in the direction we came from with me in tow.  
  
“No! We can’t go back!” I said firmly, pulling my hand away from his. He gave me a bewildered look, but I continued on stubbornly. “Let’s just do something to get our minds off of things. Explore the city. Find something fun to do! Come on, Gabe!” I put on my most convincing voice, pleading with him. I stared at him for a long moment before he caved, groaning as he raised his hand to his face, nodding nonetheless. I grinned victoriously and we turned and continued walking, this time side by side so we could communicate better.  
  
“So I know that I need to get _my_ mind off of things, but what exactly is bothering you?” He asked as we fell into step with each other. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks and I shook my head from side to side, my hair gently brushing my face.  
  
“Nothing. Just the stress of the tour,” I lied. There was definitely one specific person who had me on edge recently, but I didn’t talk well about these kinds of things. I didn’t even really want to tell Dan, and he’s the person I’m closest to in the world. There was just something about people knowing when you like someone. The smug grins they give you when the other person is around, and saying obvious cheesy things in front of them. It was a little too conspicuous for me.  
  
Gabe nodded at my response. He didn’t seem convinced but didn’t prod regardless.  
  
“I think the first thing we need to fix is how sober we are. Well, how sober _I_ am. I don’t know where you’re at anymore,” I laughed, remembering how drunk Gabe had been not too long ago.  
  
“I think I could definitely be less sober right now,” he agreed, nodding profusely. I grinned at him and we walked several more blocks until we came to a stretch of buildings, dimly lit with fluorescent lights that bathed everything in a yellow-green hue. One place among them was called “Jack’s Bar”. We soundlessly made our way over, a small crowd of people smoking outside. There was a blue bench that had seen better days, pushed against a white, paint chipped wall that everyone was leaning against.  
  
“Hey, sweetheart, got a light?” a ragged looking man with oily blonde hair and overgrown stubble asked, an unlit cigarette dangling between his lips. I smiled politely, shaking my head.  
  
‘No, sorry,” I answered as we walked past, and Gabe took two steps closer to me, eyeing the man up and down. He gave Gabe a wary look and continued past us, asking the others outside for a light. I looked up at Gabe once we were inside and out of sight.  
  
“What are you, my guard dog?” I chuckled as we approached the bar.  
  
“Yep. That’s exactly what I am,” his face was hard set and he seemed on edge.  
  
“Are you okay?” a look of concern crossing my face.  
  
“After what happened with Ramone I’m not letting you out of my sight, and I’m definitely not letting any creeps near you,” he said, finally meeting my gaze. I was silent for a moment, gathering my thoughts.  
  
“Thanks, Gabe,” I smiled up at him and he softened. We stood quietly for a moment before the bartender approached.  
  
“What can I get for you guys tonight?” he seemed laid back, brown hair slicked back and a navy blue tee shirt tucked into his jeans. He leaned against the bar with both hands, a grungy white rag dangling from his back pocket.  
  
“Could we please have two tall Jack and coke’s and two shots? Doesn’t matter what, just something strong,” he nodded at my request and walked away to make our drinks. Gabe had both his eyebrows raised at me.  
  
“Are you that stressed?” he grunted, running a hand through his thick brown hair.  
  
“I’ve got some things I need to be distracted from,” I laughed, shoving my hands into my jacket pockets.  
  
“Yeah, you and me both,” he muttered, mirroring my actions, putting his hands into his own heavy brown jacket. “Do you want to grab a table?” he asked as the bartender set our drinks in front of us on the wooden bar-top. I nodded, grabbing mine, and we made our way to the back of the establishment, to a small space in the corner.  
  
“Nice and discreet,” I nodded in approval as we settled in and he gave me a look of agreement.  
  
“Are you ready for this?” he asked as he raised the shot glass to his lips, but not drinking it quite yet. I sniffed mine and instantly recoiled.  
  
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I grimaced and at the same time we took the shots, the burning liquid running down my throat and constricting my chest. I stuck my tongue out and my face contorted at the disgusting taste. Gabe was coughing, hitting his chest roughly with the palm of his hand.  
  
“Holy shit,” he breathed, laughing shortly after. I could already feel my body reacting to the alcohol, my stomach and face warming, the liquid searing in my belly. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath.  
  
“We need more of those,” I giggled as I took a sip of my other drink, still tasting of alcohol, but not burning nearly as much. It wasn’t long before we were giggling messes with a table full of empty glasses.  
  
“Gaaabe,” I drawled, leaning into the wooden tabletop, my arms limp at my sides.  
  
‘What is it, buttercup?” he asked, popping the ‘p’ at the end of his sentence and laughing to himself afterwards.  
  
“We have to go,” I muttered, shaking my head limply.  
  
“Whyyy?” he whined, slumping over the table as well.  
  
“It’s… The time is…” I dug around in my pockets and finally managed to find my phone after several seconds, despite the fact that there was nothing else in them. “One… Twenty three…” I squinted at the bright screen, trying to concentrate on the blurring numbers. “Oh no!... Shae called,” I giggled, “fifteen times.”  
  
“Come on!” Gabe shouted suddenly, getting looks from the people on the other side of the bar, especially as he continued to stand and wobble around, bumping into chairs. “I’m taking you home! I’ll have you know,” he craned his head towards me, “I am a gentleman,” he raised his pinky in the air, trying to be fancy. I began giggling like crazy, leaning back into the wall to support myself. My head and arms felt heavy.  
  
“Don’t laugh!” he narrowed his eyes at me. I instantly stopped, making a zipping motion over my lips, but began to cackle again shortly after. After several moments of both of us just trying to stand up we wobbled over to the bartender, paid our tab, and left.  
  
“...Howww do we get back?” I slurred, stumbling into Gabe’s side.  
  
“Not to worry! You might not know this about me,” he paused and swallowed, “but I am excellent with directions,”  
  
“Yeaahh!” I cheered, raising my arms above my head as I hopped up and down, my hair bouncing with me.  
  
“Hop on!” he squatted in front of me with his arms extended backwards.  
  
“Oh, fuck yeah,” I mumbled, clambering onto his back, wrapping my arms around his neck. We both cheered and whooped as he straightened up and began jogging down the dark street, deserted except for us and a few street lights. I felt myself bouncing up and down with each fast stride, and after a few minutes I saw the tour buses come into view. Wrapping my legs tightly around him, I released his neck, throwing my arms into the air, cheering in unison.  
  
“You did it!” I shouted drunkenly, swaying slightly, wrapping one arm back around his shoulders. He had a tight grip on my legs.  
  
“ _We_ did it!” he shouted back, jumping up and down. I screeched as I flew around, giggling wildly.  
  
“Casey?!” an angry voice shouted beside us. Both of us yelped, Gabe jumping up and releasing me momentarily, but that was all it took. I screeched in fear as I fell backwards, but surprised as I didn't hit the floor. Gabe had grabbed my leg, and someone else had caught my upper body. I craned my neck back.  
  
“Jeremy…” I said dumbly, staring for a moment before I started giggling, reaching up towards his face. “I love your beard,” I murmured as I traced my finger along his jawline. His face was hard set, and if I couldn't read him sober then I sure as hell couldn't read him now.  
  
“Casey! Look at me!” the source of the original voice that startled us was closer now, and I looked over to see Shae storming over. “Where the hell were you?!” she shouted. Gabe slowly let go of my legs and they dropped to the ground while Jeremy helped me stand up straight. “Do you know how worried I was?! You just disappeared without a word! I called you a thousand times! What the hell!” she was steadily getting louder and eventually all I could do was just stare at my feet guiltily.  
  
“Sorry,” I mumbled, scuffing my shoe against the gravel beneath me.  
  
“Sorry? Sorry?! You could have been out there getting killed somewhere!” she shrieked, throwing her hands up in frustration.  
  
“Shae, it's my fault. I was feeling down and Casey was trying to cheer me up,” Gabe seemed to be coming from a good place, but it didn't really help that he was swaying as he spoke and slurring his words. Shae raised her hand to her temple, massaging it, looking possibly even more irritated.  
  
“So you guys ran off… and got completely shit faced…by yourselves, in the middle of the night...” she said slowly. Against my better judgement, which I didn’t have at the the moment, I began giggling.  
  
“Yeah, we did,” I laughed, raising my hands to my mouth. Gabe couldn’t help but join in.  
  
“Guys!!” Shae was clearly getting more angry by the second. I gave Gabe a look, my eyes narrowing, and nodding at him. He stared back confused, slack jawed.  
  
“Scatter!” I shouted, taking off towards the buses, running past them. Gabe was slow to realize but began running as well, in the opposite direction. Shae groaned and I heard everyone shouting, but it quickly faded into the background as I sprinted away. I ran hard, my chest quickly becoming raw in the cool, dry air, my nose a rosy pink. I finally began slowing down as I came to the other side of the lot, encased by the chain-link fence. There were white rocks piled into the corners and along the fence, chalky dust everywhere on top of a few patches of grass and even more gravel. I glanced behind me and saw a figure jogging after me. Yelping, I searched around for a means of escape.I drunkenly began scrambling on top of the rocks, scaling the chain-link fence, poorly.  
  
Before I knew it, arms wrapped around my waist and tugged me down. I whined, reaching for the cold metal, feeling my feet dangling in the air.  
  
“Let me go,” I whimpered, pushing limply at the strong arms holding me. My feet touched the ground again, but my legs gave out and I teetered for a moment before I folded into the rocks. They prodded into my sides and legs and I looked up helplessly at the figure looming above me. Soon enough my eyes focused and I recognized Jeremy’s face, closer to mine than I had realized, his breath coming out in white plumes. I shivered, either from the cold or because of how little distance was between us.  
  
“Are you okay?” he grunted as he pulled me up, holding me against his chest as he stood with the both of us, supporting me to make sure I didn’t fall again. I nodded weakly into his chest, and without thinking I wrapped my arms around him. He froze, looking down at me as I snuggled in.  
  
“You’re so warm,” I murmured, standing on my tip toes to nuzzle his neck. I felt him flinch under me, goosebumps rising on his skin. I smirked, running my lips over the expanse and I heard his breath catch in his throat. He wrapped his hands around my upper arms and moved me away from him.  
  
“What are you doing?” his voice was gravelly and low. Sexy. I shrugged, biting my lip and staring at him, not breaking eye contact. We stood in a tense silence for a moment before he cleared his throat, looking around awkwardly, dropping his hands away from my arms. “Let’s get you back,” he said as he turned to walk away. I went to take a step, but my legs felt like jelly. I wobbled, reaching out and grabbing on to Jeremy’s jacket, almost pulling him down with me. He sucked in a sharp breath and steadied himself, sighing as he turned and looked at me, pitifully crouching as I clung to him. I moaned, feeling waves of nausea wash over me. He sighed softly at my feeble attempts to stand, seeing my legs shaking like a baby deer.  
  
He threw one arm under my knees, the other around my back, and stood, carrying me as my head rolled limply into his collar bone. I began to feel safe and warm, but my stomach was also not reacting well to the events of the night. I moaned into his jacket, my hand clinging to the sweater underneath, just below his neck.  
  
“Jeremy,” I whined, my stomach getting more queasy with each passing second.  
  
“Shh, shh, I know. It’s okay,” he cooed softly into my hair and sped up his pace, his grip tightening. We arrived at his bus, and he maneuvered so he could open the door without putting me down. He scaled the stairs and took a few long strides into the kitchen. I gave him a confused look as he set me gently on the counter top.  
  
“Lean back. Don’t fall,” he said quietly and I did as instructed, leaning into the gray cabinets behind me. He walked away for a short second to the fridge, retrieving a cold bottle of water. He took the cap off and held it up to my lips, his other hand on the back of my neck to help me sit up straight. I gulped it down gratefully, feeling the cold liquid running down the back of my throat. The world was spinning and I was swaying on top of the counter.  
  
“Are you gonna be sick?” he asked, his hand on my cheek now, angling my face to look at his. I shook my head.  
  
“I think I’m okay,” I felt my stomach settling as I relaxed, the nausea very slowly dissipating. I realized our position and the blood rushed to my cheeks. My legs were on either side of his waist, his hands beside my thighs on the counter, pushed up quite close in these closed quarters. Jeremy reached behind me, brushing my arm as he did so, making my stomach flip. I groaned.  
  
“It doesn’t help that you make me so nervous,” I muttered, wrapping my arm around my abdomen. His eyes flashed up at me, pausing what he was doing.  
  
“I… make you nervous?” he looked surprised. I cocked my head at him.  
  
“You can’t tell?” everything seemed hazy, my vision blurring slightly. “You make me the most nervous,” My voice was distant, and I was slumping over now. He shook his head, grabbing a paper towel from behind me and wetting it in the sink with cold water. I jumped a bit as he gently pressed it to my face, wiping the cold sweat from my cheeks and forehead.  
  
“You make me nervous, too,” he almost whispered as he lifted my hair away from my face, softly dabbing my neck. I shivered at his touch, and then everything faded to black.


	12. Chapter 12

  
  
I groaned, bringing my hand to my throbbing skull, squinting in the harsh light of the morning. I sat up slowly, recognizing I was in my own bunk, with my Boba Fett throw and large amount of gray pillows. Everyone else’s bunks were empty with curtains pulled back. All except for one. I got up and ripped the tan curtain back, making Gabe groan and shield his eyes from the unwelcome sunlight.  
  
“What the hell?” he moaned into his pillow, refusing to look up.  
  
“What happened last night?” I scratched the back of my head, feeling my hair more knotted than it maybe had ever been. I looked down and saw that I was still in my black denim shorts and black shirt from last night. I smelled like smoke and tequila.  
  
“Can we talk about it when I’m less hung over?” Gabe narrowed his eyes at me and I pulled his curtain shut again, stumbling my way over to the bathroom. My eyes felt puffy and my lips were chapped. As I approached the bathroom door I looked up to see Dan standing in the kitchen area with a cup of coffee in his hand. The aroma filled the air, and I stopped what I was doing, swaying over to get some of the heavenly liquid.  
  
“You…” he eyed me up and down, “look like absolute shit,” he laughed handing me his mug, going to make a new one for himself. I closed my eyes as I reveled in the warmth radiating from the cup, sending waves of comfort over me. I took a sip and felt my senses catching up to me. “Fun night you had,” Dan teased, leaning against the cabinet , crossing one leg over the other as he drank his coffee. I rolled my eyes.  
  
“I am not ready to have this discussion with you,” my voice was raspy and soft, like it had given up on me.  
  
“Yeah, I can tell,” he sighed, staring at me for a long moment. “Please don’t make us worry like that again.” His voice was serious now, and that was a rare occurrence for him.  
  
“Oh, Dan,” I sighed, walking over to him quicker than I knew I had the energy for, setting my mug on the counter. “I’m sorry I scared you guys. You know I don’t usually do that kind of thing. Please don’t be mad at me,” I pouted at him, giving him my best puppy dog eyes, my hands latched onto his arm. He rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless.  
  
“Yeah, okay. I’m easy, but Shae’s the one you have to convince. She was freaking out, mostly _because_ you don’t do shit like this. Side note, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you that drunk,” he laughed, ruffling my hair before throwing his arm over my shoulder and pulling me into his side, squeezing me in a one armed hug. I felt a weight lift off my chest and grinned up at him, relieved I had quelled the ire of at least one of my closest friends. I felt bad for making everyone worry about me last night. I hadn’t told anyone I was leaving at all, and we were on tour. What would they have done if I hadn’t returned when it was time to depart for the next city? Or not at all? If the roles were switched I knew I’d be just as upset. We were like a tight knit family here.  
  
“Anyway, I need a shower,” I yawned, trying to run my hands through my hair and only being met with big, unruly tangles. Dan nodded at me and I grabbed my coffee, making my way into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror as I set my cup on the sink, seeing makeup smudged beneath my eyes. I didn’t wear much, but what had been there was now smeared across my face. I ran the water in the shower and stripped as I waited for it to warm. As I stood there I had the time to see some bruises forming on my legs, mostly on my shins, but some on my thighs as well. I had a few on my arms, too. I mentally awarded myself for being the clumsiest drunk in existence and climbed into to the warm water, goosebumps erupting all over me. I let out a deep sigh as my muscles relaxed, my dark brown hair going from completely unruly to soaked flat on my head, hanging down just above my mid back. My body wash smelled like pomegranates and I was relieved to rid myself of the scent of last night.  
  
I stayed in the shower a little longer than usual today, letting the water wash over my face and neck, a little lost in thought. I was pretty drunk last night, but I still remembered some details surprisingly well. Jeremy carrying me back to his bus. Him pressed against me on top of the counter to make sure I didn’t fall. Me nuzzling into his neck…  
  
I groaned, turning off the water suddenly and jumping out of the shower. I toweled myself off roughly, trying to shake the embarrassing memory from my mind. I looked like a complete idiot! In front of Jeremy! I raised my hand to my forehead, cringing outwardly. I slipped on some comfortable [clothes](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=190130437), a baggy black shirt that reached almost mid-thigh, and some gray cloth shorts beneath it, not much longer than the shirt itself. I slipped on some knee-high cable knit socks, and wiggled my toes, reveling in the comfort. I was dead set on not going anywhere today. I didn’t take sick days often, but today I would make an exception. I brushed through my hair and put on a tiny bit of mascara, making my way out of the bathroom and into the living area. Dan looked me up and down.  
  
“Well aren’t you cute.”  
  
I smiled and curtsied, making him chuckle.  
  
“Staying in today?” he asked and nodded with defeat, falling backwards onto the couch. It didn’t take him long to follow suit. “It’s good for you to take a day off every once in awhile. Try to take care of Gabe while you’re here. He’s much more miserable than you,” he motioned his head towards the bunks, and I imagined Gabe, still buried into his pillows, avoiding sunlight. I laughed lightly, nodding in agreement.  
  
“He drank a lot more than me. And I bet no one make him drink any water, either. That’s probably why I feel halfway decent right now,” I said thoughtfully. Dan turned to me, smirking.  
  
“And who was it that nursed you away from a hangover when you were piss drunk?” he said evilly.  
  
“I’m not answering that,” I turned away from him, crossing my arms across my chest.  
  
“Trick question. I assume it’s loverboy who carried you, unconscious, back over here, and took your jacket off for you, and tucked you into bed, all nice and cozy. He even made you take some aspirin, though I can see you don’t remember that,” he wiggled his eyebrows. I turned to look at him so quickly I’m surprised I didn’t get whiplash. Blood rushed to my face.  
  
“You’re lying,” I breathed, mortified.  
  
“Why would I lie about that? It was adorable,” he teased, lifting off the couch and walking towards the door. I groaned, my face falling into my hands. “Don’t treat it like such a bad thing. This is good. This is progress,” he pointed at me, raising an eyebrow in a smug way.  
  
“Progress?! I humiliated myself! I smelled like alcohol, I was drunk beyond belief, I made a complete ass of myself! Oh my God, what did I do?!” I fell to the side and buried my face in a couch cushion, rolling my face in it. I continued muttering obscenities into the pillow until Dan interrupted me.  
  
“Well, have fun coping with your life decisions. I’m gonna get to work. Everyone else is already out, so just make sure Gabe doesn’t wither and die back there, okay?” he smiled softly at me as he opened the door, and it slammed shut behind him. I stared at the empty doorway, my cheek pressing into the cushion, my hair sprawled across my face. Sighing, I stood. Tiptoeing to the back, I peeked into Gabe’s bunk. Sure enough, he was face deep in a pillow, snoring away.  
  
Just as I decided to let him sleep it off I heard a soft tapping at the door. I cocked my head, wondering who it would be. Did Dan lock himself out? It wouldn’t be the first time. I quickly walked out of the back, being sure not to wake Gabe in the process, and bounded over to the door. I opened it, peeking out not to see Dan, but Jeremy standing at the bottom of the steps. My eyebrows rose in surprise and I hid behind the door a bit, embarrassed of my bare legs. There was a short silence until I found my voice.  
  
“Good morning,” I said softly, eyes focused on the ground.  
  
“Good morning. I… brought this for you,” he said, lifting two Starbucks cups of coffee into the air, looking kind of off to the side, a blush creeping on to his cheeks.  
  
“Thank you,” I said, surprise evident in my voice. “Um, come in,” I stepped nervously to the side as he walked inside slowly, as though not to disturb the peaceful air of the bus. I mentally praised myself for shaving the day before and cleaning up before he got here. At least there was some mercy in the world.  
  
“I thought you might need it,” he said quietly, walking around me and over to the table, setting the coffees down. “How are you feeling?” he asked as I shut the door and caught up with him, us sitting on opposite sides of each other in the booth.  
  
“Pretty good, considering. I have you to thank for that,” I said the last part quietly, staring shyly down at the warm drink, wrapping my hands around it.  
  
“I didn’t do much,” he said, eyes trained on the table. Both of us were too shy for our own good. “I expect you to do the same for me next time I’m shit faced,” he laughed quietly, the tension easing a bit.  
  
“Deal,” I chuckled, finally picking up the drink and taking a sip. I sighed happily as the warm liquid hit the back of my throat, tilting my head back. “Usually I drink tea, but when it comes to hangovers, coffee is the way to go,” I smiled behind closed lids. He nodded.  
  
“That kind of suits you,” he smiled softly, almost to himself, fiddling with the cup in his hand. I leaned my head down, trying to hide my blush with my hair. An awkward silence settled over us, neither of us really looking at each other for a while, before I decided to break the tension.  
  
“Your set starts at ten tonight, right?” I said the first conversation topic that came to mind. He cocked his head to the side.  
  
“You’re not working it?” This seemed to pique his interest, to my surprise.  
  
“I’m taking a sick day. The first one in a long time,” I replied. His look of confusion turned into a blank stare and he nodded slowly.  
  
“That makes sense… If you want… If you need someone to…” he was getting tongue tied, a look of frustration crossing his features. My brows furrowed, not at all sure of what he was trying to get out. He broke eye contact, staring hard down at the white table. “If you need someone to take care of you, or keep you company… I don’t have sound-check until nine…” he was scratching the back of his head awkwardly, not making eye contact at all. His brows always seemed to be furrowed around me. A smile tugged at the corner of my lips, my heart skipping a beat. A sudden amount of excitement flooded into me, and I seemed to be possessed by Jeremy’s actions, staring down at the table as well, though I felt considerably more giddy inside than he appeared.  
  
“Company would be nice,” I nodded, trying to suppress the grin that ate at me. His head popped up, a rare smile reaching his own lips.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Yeah...” I laughed softly. “Is there anything you want to do?” I asked, trying to be a little less anxious as I sipped on my coffee. There was still a palpable tension hanging in the air. I never could find a way to relax around Jeremy. I felt like I was always on edge when he was around, constantly second guessing myself, wondering if I looked okay, worried the things I said would sound stupid or uninteresting. I definitely wasn’t used to it. The last time I felt this way around a boy was in high school. I felt like a teenager, always checking my hair in the mirror and wondering what to wear around him.  
  
“Anything is fine with me,” he said quietly, obviously feeling a little stiff himself. He seemed very timid, determined not to make any sudden movements lest he scare me away. I smiled at the thought.  
  
“Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked, trying to think of a decent activity for multiple people to partake in. If it was just me I would probably play a video game or scroll through my Instagram, which was mostly filled with tattoo work and dogs. He nodded at the suggestion and we both stood, walking over to the couch. I opened the cabinet beneath the television hanging on the wall, digging through the movies we had all piled in collectively.  
  
“What do you like?” I asked, slightly muffled by the wood above my head.  
  
“I’m not picky,” he answered, and I saw him sit slowly at the other end of the couch in my peripheral vision. I nodded to myself, grabbing a few I hadn’t seen yet.  
  
“Well, we have a couple of horror movies, a romance movie, and a documentary on South American crops,” I shrugged as I turned to face him. “I personally really like horror.” I gave him a cheesy smile.  
  
“Horror is good,” he answered, giving a light chuckle.  
  
“Do you care which one? We have one about a serial killer, or one about haunted dolls,” he shook his head at my question and I decided on the dolls, popping it into the small dvd player on top of the cabinet. Plopping down a few feet away from him, I pulled my feet up onto the couch, my knees pressed into my chest. The opening credits began appearing on the screen and I turned my head to Jeremy.  
  
“Do you want a blanket or anything? It’s kind of chilly in here,” I said, scooting forward to go retrieve some covers, pausing the movie. He moved to get up as well.  
  
“Do you want me to get it?” he asked, perched on the edge of his seat.  
  
“I’m hungover, not helpless,” I laughed as I stood before him, walking back towards the bunks. “Do you want me to grab you one?” I looked at him over my shoulder and he nodded bashfully.  
  
“If it’s not too much trouble,” he said quietly, almost grudgingly, like he had lost a coin toss. I smiled inwardly. He was so nervous and polite. It was very different from my initial impression of him, which was cold, and distant. It wasn’t too far fetched from my thoughts on him now, but he was slowly developing layers the more I got to know him. He was turning out to be an unexpectedly warm person, who cared more than he liked to show. Like today. He showed up to my bus with coffee after nursing me to sleep the night before, but he acted like nothing had happened. I was having a hard time deciding if he was shy or just stubborn.  
  
I tiptoed into the back room, feeling relieved as I heard Gabe’s rhythmic breathing and soft snores. I slipped the Boba Fett blanket off my bed and retreated out quietly, shutting the door softly. I locked eyes with Jeremy, tossing him the throw and stepping onto the chair in the booth, reaching into a cabinet above the table for another one.  
  
“I’ll let you use my favorite blanket because I’m _so_ nice,” I teased in a sing song voice, straining to reach inside the tight space, being reminded of how vertically challenged I was. Suddenly I felt something brush my lower back and I yelped, almost falling backwards onto the floor, but sturdy hands gripped my sides. I looked below me, my heart racing after my near accident, seeing Jeremy inches away from my face, my hair brushing his cheeks and neck.  
  
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he breathed, his eyes not leaving mine. I let out a shaky breath, straightening myself out.  
  
“It’s okay,” I murmured, stepping down from the chair.  
  
“We can just share that blanket. It’s big enough for two,” he mumbled gruffly, his hands shoved deep into his back pockets. I had never seen someone look simultaneously shy _and_ intimidating before. I swallowed, nodding. I glanced at the door to the back, wondering if my small scream had woken Gabe, but I heard no movement.  
  
We bumbled back over to the couch, looking at each other in an awkward show down to see who would sit first. In the end, Jeremy sat at the end, the blanket sprawled over him. I precariously perched myself on the edge of the couch beside him, taking only a small chunk, covering my right leg, shaking a bit from the shock of almost falling and being saved, _again_ , by Jeremy.  
  
“Are you okay? You don’t look very comfortable…” he observed, and I shook my head, pressing play on the dvd screen.  
  
“I’m fine,” my voice betrayed me, sounding incredibly unconvincing.  
  
“You barely have any blanket,” he said, shifting to give me some more.  
  
“I’m fine, I don’t want to take too much.”  
  
Jeremy stared at me for a long second before he nodded slowly, looking down for a moment, seeming to be thinking deeply. After a few seconds he looked back up with an unsettled expression on his face.  
  
“Let me know if I make you uncomfortable at any point,” he said as he moved, reaching out towards me. My breath caught in my throat. I looked at his outstretched hands, feeling panic stricken. His hands slowly wrapped around my wrists, and he began to pull me towards him. I fell in a small ball at his side, curled into myself, the most awkward I had possibly ever been. He let go of my arms, reaching around, pulling the blanket over me. And there we were, Jeremy in the corner seat with me tucked neatly into his side, both of us draped in the warmth of the throw, his arm above my head along the back of the couch.  
  
“You were trembling,” he said quietly. I didn’t have it in me to tell him it wasn’t because I was cold.  
  
“Thank you,” I squeaked, trying my very best to concentrate on the movie, but all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating in my ears.


	13. Chapter 13

  
My eyes snapped open at the sound of something clatter loudly to the floor across the room. I sat up, startled and groggy. Searching around, I eventually settled my sights on the culprit. Gabe stood near the bunk area, staring at me with his jaw slightly agape, his hygiene products, which I assume he brought out of the bunks with him, scattered at his feet. I furrowed my brows, pushing myself up slightly, confused. He looked incredibly uncomfortable.  
  
“Are you okay?” I croaked, my throat dry, my eyes half shut with sleep. I felt a strange heaviness on my shoulders that I didn’t recognize. He stared unblinking for a short time before nodding.  
  
“I’m running out for a bit,” he mumbled, abandoning his things on the floor, hurrying to the front door.  
  
“Gabe?” I was more awake now, finding his actions increasingly strange. The door shut quietly behind him, and I went to push off the couch to follow, to make sure he was okay. But instead of the cloth I expected to feel, I felt a firm surface, another body. I swerved around, seeing Jeremy cozied into the corner of the couch behind me. The more I came to, the more clear the situation had become. We were slumped together in the cushions, wrapped up in my blanket, his arm thrown over my shoulder. The dvd title screen was playing on a loop in the background. My stomach twisted in knots. This was a lot to process just waking up.  
  
“...Jeremy?” I whispered, trying to wake him. His face scrunched and he moaned softly in his sleep, his arm lifting around my neck and pulling me to his chest. He nuzzled his head into my hair and sighed contentedly. My eyes were wide, my heart racing. I felt like I was going to explode, my body temperature soaring. I was blushing all over. “Um, Jeremy,” I said a little louder, my voice cracking. He slowly stirred.  
  
He looked down at me, staring for a few moments with a blank look on his face, before he flinched, sitting up quickly, releasing me from his grasp.  
  
“Casey?” he questioned gruffly, sleep heavy in his voice. His hair and clothes were disheveled, and he swallowed, looking around at his surroundings.  
  
“I think we fell asleep during the movie,” I blushed, finding it hard to look him in the eye. He nodded slowly, digging in his pocket for his phone. It read 1 o'clock. He stared at it for a short while before looking at me blankly.  
  
“Are you hungry?” he asked. I sat for a moment before nodding, the awkward nature of the situation lessening the longer we sat. “Do you want to get lunch?” he questioned, sleep heavy in his voice. I felt my anxiousness dissipate as I looked him over, groggy and tousled, and began to giggle, my hand raising to mouth as I tried to hold it in. I had never seen him quite so ruffled. So Jeremy wasn’t a morning person. He looked me over, raising an eyebrow. “Are you laughing at me?”  
  
I shook my head, despite the obvious fact that I was, laughing harder as I looked at his narrowed eyes, scrutinizing me with disbelief.  
  
“I brought you coffee,” he said with a playful scowl. "I stayed here with you and this is the thanks I get."   
  
“I’m sorry,” I giggled, “You look ridiculous.”

  
“You look pretty funny yourself…” he eyed me up and down. 

"Okay, that's just rude, I didn't say you were funny looking," I scoffed, playfully slapping my hand across his arm, before I drew back, catching myself. I looked up at him, worried that he was offended by my touch somehow, despite the fact that we had spent the day curled into each other's sides. He gazed at me before a small smile graced his lips, making my breath catch in my throat. 

"Well, what part of me looks  _ridiculous_?" he asked, leaning daringly close to me, raising an eyebrow, his eyes still heavy with sleep. "Is it my... hair?" he grinned as he ruffled my hair, and I squealed. "Or my rumpled shirt?" his fingers went to my sides, running along them, tickling me. I was giggling like crazy now, writhing away from him. 

  
“Jeremy!” I shrieked, trying to escape his grasp, grabbing at his hands, my face turning red with laughter. Letting up a bit, he smirked down at me and I tried to suppress the big grin spreading across my face, but to no avail. I heard the door pull open and my eyes snapped over. Dan stood in the entryway, looking very perplexed, and a momentary silence settled over the room.  
  
“What… are you guys doing?” he said slowly, raising an eyebrow, staring at Jeremy's body leaned over mine, his hands on my hips. Jeremy sat straight up and I bolted out from under him. Grabbing his sleeve, I leapt off the couch, pulling him along behind me, heading for the door.  
  
“Going to get lunch,” I tried to avoid eye contact with Dan as I walked past him. Just as I pulled the door open I heard his voice from behind me.  
  
“In your pajamas? With no shoes on?” he sounded pleasantly amused, much to my dismay.  
  
“I’ll wait outside,” Jeremy cleared his throat, the faintest hint of a blush spreading across his face as he descended the steps, pulling his jacket on, disappearing from my sight. I was hesitant to turn around. Knowing Dan, I would never hear the end of this.  
  
“What was that?!” he whispered giddily, hopping along at my side as I made my way to the back of the bus.  
  
“Nothing! We were just…”  
  
“Just… What?”  
  
“Just… We fell asleep during the movie, and… Look you came in at a really weird time and it’s hard to explain,” I sighed, shaking my head. He wiggled around me while I dug around in my duffel bag for a change of clothes.  
  
“Right, a “weird” time,” he said, using air quotations. I rolled my eyes and stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door in his face.  
  
“Are you sad you couldn’t keep up your tickle fight?” he chortled on the other side, and I pulled on my [clothes](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=190639331) quickly, worried I would keep Jeremy waiting.  
  
“Leave me alone,” I groaned as I stepped out and he was still there. I headed towards the bus door, but was stopped short when Dan jogged past me and stood in my path, blocking my way.  
  
“You can’t be upset with me for too long, since I got you out of hot water with Shae,” he grinned.  
  
“What? How?!”  
  
“I told her how terrible you felt for making us worry… And that you maybe said you would do everyone’s laundry for an entire month…” he looked away from me, staring around at anything but my dumbfounded face.  
  
“Are you kidding me?” My mouth gaped and I stood, stunned.  
  
“Oh, come on, you know Shae. She holds the worst grudges. You weren’t getting out lightly anyway! I’m just trying to keep the peace around here,” he rambled.  
  
“We can talk about this later,” I sighed, sidestepping past him.  
  
“Oh, scared to keep loverboy waiting?” he teased and I swerved to look at him.  
  
“Shh, he might hear you!” I whispered, panic clear in my face.  
  
“It’s fine, Case, he can’t hear me. Have fun on your date,” he grinned cheesily, hopping off to the back. I stared after him, a little awed at how ridiculous my best friend could be. Shaking my head, I stepped out of the bus, looking around to see Jeremy leaned up against the black metal beside me.  
  
“Hey,” I gave a small, unconvincing smile. He pushed off the bus, taking a few steps towards me.  
  
“You okay?” he gave me an inquisitive look and after a moment I looked down at the ground.  
  
“Everyone’s being a little… off today. Did you see Gabe out here anywhere?” I searched around, but he was nowhere to be seen. Jeremy shook his head as well.  
  
“Come on, you’ll feel better once you’ve eaten,” he said as he stepped past me, tugging on the corner of my hoodie as he did. I smiled to myself at the small gesture. It felt like we had finally broken down the massive wall of awkwardness that stood between us for so long. He still made my heart beat like crazy, and my head spin, but at least I could have a normal conversation with him now. It felt surreal, just walking casually beside him to get some food. I thought back to a month ago when we first met, when I plowed into him outside of this very bus.  
  
I jogged a few steps to catch up to him and matched his rhythm as we walked side by side.  
  
“What are you in the mood for?” I asked, shoving my hands into my pockets.  
  
“Uhh… what’s around here?”  
  
“...What city are we in?” I pulled my phone out of my pocket, searching for places nearby.  
  
“Denver,” he shivered. February had just set upon us, and the area we were in was blanketed with snow. I heard it crunch beneath my feet and regretted not bringing a heavier jacket. Jeremy looked me up and down as I shivered slightly. “Here,” he said, voice husky as he removed his black jacket and turning to face me. He circled his arms over me, gently placing it on my shoulders, his hands lingering at the base of my neck for a moment.  
  
“What about you?” I said as I began to take it off, shaking my head in refusal. It was my own fault I didn’t think about the weather outside.  
  
“Wait here,” his nose and cheeks were pink, his breath turning to white clouds in the freezing air. He turned, striding over to his bus nearby. He disappeared behind the door momentarily before re-emerging with another jacket, already pulling it on. “Better now?” he rubbed his palms together in an attempt for warmth as he slowly looked me up and down. I nodded hesitantly  
  
“Thank you,” I finally relaxed into the warmth of his coat. It was baggy on me, reaching to my mid thighs. He really was much taller than me. I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to salvage any of my own body heat, and I could smell his scent, drifting up to tickle my nose.  
  
“The closest place is a cafe. They have soup,” I breathed, shaking despite the jacket, staring down at my phone. “It’s a seven minute walk.”  
  
He nodded, his face hard set back into his usual expression, quickening his pace. I did the same, somehow keeping up with him this time. We talked a bit on the way, sometimes about the tour, sometimes about our homes, and what our lives were like when we weren’t travelling.  
  
“What’s your family like?” he asked softly as we approached the cafe, a bell jingling above us as he held the door open for me.  
  
“Thank you,” I smiled, walking into the glorious warmth inside. “My family is small. It’s just me, my brothers, and my dad.” We approached the menu and ordered at the register, searching around a bit and finally settling on a seat in the far back corner. The restaurant was quaint and cozy. There were small, wooden circular tables with wicker chairs beneath them. Little potted plants lined shelves on the ceiling, and the table had quiet, unassuming white flowers in the middle. Soon enough they brought our food. For me, a hot chocolate and a chicken sandwich. For Jeremy, a steaming bowl of potato soup.  
  
“How many brothers do you have?” he asked as we began eating.  
  
“Two. Ryan and Joey. We’re pretty close but they’ve been busy lately, so we haven’t talked much these past few months. Ryan works for my dad at the recording studio, and Joey is a mechanic,” I smiled as I thought of them. “What about you? What’s your family like?” I asked as I held the big mug of hot cocoa in both hands, the warmth permeating through them, sipping at the sweet liquid occasionally.  
  
“Kind of big. I have an older sister and a younger one. Lindsay and Katie. Lindsay has kids, and Katie just graduated high school. I also have a ton of aunts and uncles. Family holidays are a madhouse,”  
  
“I can hardly imagine that,” I laughed. “Our holidays are pretty quiet.”  
  
“No, there isn’t a quiet place in the house during Christmas,” he shook his head, a smile tugging at the corer of his lips. “Everyone is crammed into the front rooms. There’s a ton of little kids running around, everyone’s talking over each other. There’s so much food I’m surprised we manage to eat it all, but we do, every time. The guys drop by to help with that, though,” he chuckled, looking down at his soup as he slowly ate.   
  
“I can tell your family is important to you,” I said, and he looked at me for a moment, his face softening.  
  
“Yeah. They are. I miss them... when we’re touring,” he looked down, his slight smile dwindling. I frowned.  
  
“I understand. Touring can be really hard. Despite how fun it is, and how much more fulfilling it is than any other job I’ve ever had. It’s not easy to leave your family and friends.“ I said, and he looked up and locked eyes with me.  
  
“It makes it easier when you have such amazing people by your side,” I was taken by surprise at his reply, almost choking on my cocoa. I sputtered a bit, coughing into a napkin as I set the mug down.  
  
“Are you okay?” he cleared his throat, looking down at his bowl with brows furrowed. I nodded into the tissue. A stillness settled over us until I heard my phone ringing, shattering the silence. I looked down at the device, confused.  
  
“Speak of the devil…” I mumbled and Jeremy lifted an eyebrow at me. I hit the ‘accept call’ button and raised the phone to my ear.  
  
“Baby sister!!” a loud voice boomed through the receiver.  
  
“Hey, Ryan.”


	14. Chapter 14

  
  
“How is my adorable little sister doing?” Ryan’s voice rang into my ears.  
  
“I’m fine,” I laughed into the receiver. “How are you? How’s dad?” I gave Jeremy an apologetic look and he shook his head, waving his hand to signal it was fine.  
  
“We’re good. We miss you over here. The house is gross when you’re not around,” he replied and I scoffed.  
  
“I don’t even live with you guys. Clean your own house,” he couldn’t see me, but he knew me well enough to know that I was rolling my eyes. I had an apartment that was a ten-minute drive from the house, and fifteen from dad’s studio. Dad and the guys lived together, but I moved out years ago when I was twenty. As much as I loved my family, the boys were loud and unruly, and my tiny studio apartment was a haven for me, even if I wasn’t there for long stretches while I was touring. When I wasn’t touring I worked in my dad’s studio with him and Ryan. This only brought my brother and I closer, which we always had been since we were little, being so close in age, with me at twenty-three and him twenty-four.  
  
“But you _should_ live with us. There’s no reason to have your own place and pay rent even though you travel,”  
  
“Is this why you called me?” I wasn’t in the mood to get lectured by him in front of Jeremy and while I was so cold and slightly hungover.  
  
“Nope. I was actually calling to tell you I have news…” I could hear the smirk in his voice.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Guess,” he said. I rolled my eyes, not in the mood for Ryan’s little games that he loved to play.  
  
“Ryannn,” I whined, “I don’t want to guess, please just tell me.”  
  
“Fine,” he grumped, dissatisfied by my unwillingness to play along. “Well, I called to tell you that… I’m coming to visit you!” he cheered, and my jaw dropped.  
  
“What?” I gawked at the screen, not sure I heard him right.  
  
“I’ve been keeping an eye on the tour schedule. You’re going to be in Austin, Texas in a week. Well I pulled some strings and rescheduled a meeting with an up and coming band so that I would be there at the same time! It was supposed to be in a few weeks, but they said they were available early. I’m coming to see you!” he shouted, his voice filled with enthusiasm. At first my stomach churned, nerves taking over. This was my job. Was it really professional for him to come visit? But despite the rational thought that I should dismiss the idea, a smile crept onto my face, and it only continued to grow as I thought about the prospect of seeing my brother.  
  
“I can’t believe you,” I said, the happiness seeping into my voice. “…You really rescheduled with a band to visit me?”  
  
“Duh! I haven’t seen you in a month and a half. If I have the chance to see you I’ll take it,” I could practically hear him grinning. I almost felt like crying. It was nice to feel so loved.  
  
“I’m excited to see you… I have to go, but I’ll call you tonight, okay?” I said, finishing up our conversation, feeling bad for talking so long while Jeremy was sitting patiently.  
  
“Bye, Case. I’ll see you soon.”  
  
I smiled to myself as I hit the ‘end call’ button. Looking up to Jeremy, my eyes glinting with delight.  
  
“My brother is coming to visit next week in Austin,” I beamed, feeling the anticipation bubbling in my chest. My cheeks were beginning to hurt from smiling so much. It was contagious as the corners of Jeremy’s lips tugged upward. “It’s gonna be so fun! I haven’t seen him in so long! Long for us, anyway. He’s funny, and smart, too, you’re gonna love him.”  
  
Jeremy’s eyebrows shot up.  
  
“I’m going to meet him?” he asked. I quickly realized what I had said, looking down bashfully.  
  
“Well… He’ll come to the show, that’s all… You guys might cross paths, you know…” I tried to explain, mentally kicking myself. A part of me was picturing introducing Jeremy to my brother, hoping Ryan immediately took to him. Why had I imagined that? What does it matter if Ryan ever meets Jeremy, or liked him much less? I shook the thoughts from my head.  
  
“I see. I’d… Well, meeting him would be cool… If we, cross paths, you know,” Jeremy nodded downward at his soup. I nodded back, staring at my lap. A blanket of silence fell over us.  
  
“We should probably get back,” Jeremy said, looking around at our empty dishes, checking the time on his phone.  
  
“Yeah, I have a lot of laundry to do,” I sighed and he gave me a questioning look. “Dan told Shae I would do everyone’s laundry for a month because of what I pulled last night…” I explained, my face set in a grimace. His face slowly changed, at first a small smirk, and then stretching into a genuine smile as he laughed lightly at the prospect. I felt my chest squeeze, his smile a rare sight.   
  
“Are you… Laughing at me?” I sputtered, not sure how to react. Not only was he enjoying my suffering, but he was doing it in the cutest way possible. I never expected to see this side of Jeremy. Usually he was mysterious and hard to read. His face was always hard set, blank and cryptic. Seeing more of his expressions made me happy. Made me feel like I had just run a marathon and my favorite thing in the world was waiting for me at the end, and I was breathless and my chest was raw, but I was happy and excited and could take on anything.  
  
“Now you know how it feels,” he chuckled as he shook his head, scooting his chair out from behind him as he stood. I followed, and we left the shop, emerging from the cozy warmth inside into the frigid cold, nipping at my nose and fingertips unforgivingly.  
  
“I can’t believe you’re laughing at my misfortune,” I pouted.  
  
“On the bright side, it’s only an _entire_ month of laundry,” he teased. I narrowed my eyes at him, stopping short and lingering behind as he walked forward. An evil grin crept onto my face as a thought popped into my mind. I didn’t have any time to really consider it, only thinking that I had to work fast. Reaching down, I scooped up a fistful of snow, stinging my bare fingers, though I ignored it as I snuck behind Jeremy. I waited until we had fallen into a silence. Without warning I lifted my hand, bringing the freezing slush down onto the back of his exposed neck.  
  
“Take that, McKinnon!” I yelled as he shouted in surprise, jumping backwards, clawing at his back where the icy water was melting down onto his skin.

His eyes caught mine with a stern expression as he shook his head threateningly, and I paused, afraid I had actually made him mad momentarily. I didn't ponder the thought for long, though, yelping as I saw him grab a bundle of snow, balling it into his fist. I ran away, but the sheets of snow were thick where we were, and his legs were much longer than my own.  
  
“I’m sorry!” I shrieked with laughter as he caught up with me quickly, glancing over my shoulder every five seconds, still trying to make my escape. My feet couldn’t carry me away fast enough as he closed in.  
  
“Sorry can’t save you now,” he grunted with an amused grin tugging at his lips, tumbling towards me, grabbing my arm, shoving the freezing ice down the back of my shirt much like I had done to him. I felt the cold stab at my back like a thousand needles, dripping down my spine. I was yelling and laughing at the same time, gasping for air as I latched onto his extended arm, dragging him to the ground with me. As we fell, we toppled over each other, wrestling for dominance. Both of us grabbed more handfuls of snow, pelting each other at close range. I wouldn’t be surprised if we got the attention of everyone on the block with how much noise we were making, screaming and laughing as we rolled over each other.  
  
“Uncle, uncle!” I cried from below him, winded and trying to catch my breath. Jeremy lowered his hand, filled with the malicious cold substance, as he chuckled continuously. Slowly his face began dropping and he quit laughing altogether. I wondered what was wrong, but quickly realized the position we had ended up in. He was straddling me, knees on either side of my hips, one of his hands just above my shoulder, supporting his weight as he leaned above me. His face wasn’t a foot away from mine. His nose was pink, eyelashes long, with bouts of snowflakes clinging to the ends. I felt my breath catch, my heart jumping into my throat. It felt like someone was squeezing what little air I had out of my lungs. After a long moment it was like we both came out of a trance.   
  
“Uh, sorry,” he scrambled off of me, offering a hand to help me up. I took it gratefully, electricity launching up my arm as I came in contact with his bare skin. It was freezing cold outside but I felt ridiculously warm in his jacket.  
  
“Thanks,” I said, brushing the snow off my clothes. We fell into step side by side as we began walking again. An awkward silence dawned on us. I could think of a million things I wanted to know about Jeremy when I wasn’t around him, and I usually did, but at the moment, when it actually mattered, I was drawing a complete blank. My clothes were dripping wet, soppy with the cold, melted slush. I looked to my right to see Jeremy almost soaked. Reaching up, I touched my hair, realizing that I must have looked like a drowned rat. Usually I wouldn’t mind so much, but near him I felt increasingly self-conscious.  
  
Neither of us spoke for several minutes, finally coming up to the buses. We approached my bus door, and he broke the hush that almost felt intimate now. Comfortable.  
  
“Well, I should probably go take a shower. I don’t want to get sick before a show,”  
  
I nodded, understanding. There was a quiet that settled again. After a moment, I said,  
  
“Thank you… For taking care of me, and spending the day with me.” My voice was quiet and unsure, shaky with nerves. I smiled slightly at the thought of us wrestling around in the snow. This was the first time I actually felt like Jeremy and I could really be considered friends. Though he had said we were before, I only really believed it today. Before now it was all stiff conversation and awkwardness and hoping to see him but getting nervous when I did. I felt like we were slowly breaking down our walls, together.  
  
His eyes snapped to me as I spoke, and he smiled softly down at me, finally making eye contact after avoiding my gaze for so long.  
  
“Anytime.”  
  
It felt like time had stopped, and it was just the two of us, flecks of snow brushing my face as I stared up at him.

_Breaking down our walls_.

The thought repeated in my mind as I took a step closer to him. He looked on with rapt attention, taking in my every move. I lifted my hand, softly grabbing onto his jacket, my eyes fixated on my fingers as they latched onto the slick material.  
  
“I would be happy… If we could spend more days like this…” my voice was hardly more than a whisper, my ears burning. I was afraid to look up, afraid of his response to my sudden bravery. My eyes snapped to his hand, lifting up, brushing my own. It felt like a rod of heat in this cold Colorado weather.  
  
“I would like that, too.” There it was, that gravelly, low voice that made my head spin. I took in a shaky breath, finally locking eyes with him. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. My legs were quivering. His eyes searched mine, but it was all I could do not to be completely mesmerized by his amber orbs, flecks of yellow and green floating amid the deep russet. There was an incredible warmth about Jeremy. I hadn’t seen it when we first met, but I was surrounded by it now, wrapped in his copious amounts of kindness and gentle touches. It felt like I could crawl into his chest and live there in his heart, and make a home out of him and never feel like I didn’t belong there. I breathed a shaky breath, and dropped my hand, taking a step back.  
  
“Thank you,” I shared a small smile with him and scaled the bus steps, walking through the door. I didn’t have the courage to look back and see his face. To look back and see if he was watching my every move the way I wished he was.


	15. Chapter 15

 

  
I glanced around the parking lot of the venue, the air dusty and thick with sand from the brown gravel that crunched beneath my feet. I felt strange when I left the bus this morning, feeling the dense, muggy air. Leave it to Texas to be seventy-five degrees in February. I toyed with the frays on my black denim shorts, trying to preoccupy myself as I waited for my brother to arrive. Dan and Shae leaned against a chain link fence about ten feet behind me, sipping on a water bottle they were sharing. We all looked up as we heard a car pulling in, and a grin erupted across my face when I saw my brother, pressed against the glass of the back window, staring out at me excitedly. He burst out of the sedan as soon as it pulled to a stop, turning and handing the driver some money. As soon as he was settled up and the car was pulling off he threw his bag to the side and charged at me, tackling me into a hug.  
  
“Casey!” he cheered into my hair as he picked me up, swinging me from side to side in a tight embrace. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, beaming, feeling my feet dangling in the air as he bounced around enthusiastically. “I missed you so much,” he laughed as he squeezed me, not letting me down for a second. Ryan and I had been so close growing up that it was still strange not to see him on a daily basis. Neither of us could ever seem to adjust to the long stretches of time spent apart when I went on tours.  
  
Memories washed over me as I thought back to the years spent growing up together. We were absolutely inseparable, practically attached at the hip. I thought of the hectic mornings when we were in high school, rushing out the door to get there on time. I would sleep in the passenger seat of Ryan’s old jeep while he drove, and he would play his music low so he didn’t wake me. If anyone at school messed with me, Ryan was right there, backing me up. Anytime a boy broke my heart or someone majorly wronged me Ryan was always skulking somewhere nearby, giving them the stink eye, ready for any action. It was strange for me when he graduated a year before I did. Lunches seemed to drag on without him teasing me or making me eat foods I didn’t like. The commute was too quiet without his classic rock playing on the stereo, or his loud voice talking over the wind whipping around the dingy jeep. The worst part, though, was the bullying. Senior year was by far the worst year of my life, thanks to some choice people that couldn't seem to leave me alone, and I missed the days back then when Ryan would protect me, and I'd protect him. I was happy when I graduated and we started working together at dad’s studio, having more time together again. But after a few years I realized I wanted to do something more, be more hands on in my job. Ryan was never bitter about the distance, but always pouted on the phone with me when I was away, and made me buy him dinner when I came back home. They were very fond memories for me.  
  
“I missed you, too,” I smiled as he finally set me down, throwing an arm over my shoulder as we walked over to Dan and Shae. I had an obvious bubbliness about me today, overjoyed at seeing him. I bounced up and down on the balls of my feet, grinning from ear to ear. It felt different, having such a personal part of my life visiting the tour. I was unaccustomed to seeing any of my family members at the venues. It felt like two very big parts of me were overlapping for the first time, and it was almost like giving a private tour into how I spent my time. It felt like I was being spoiled with attention, and I was a little ashamed to say I was enjoying it so much. But for the first time I could give my brother a peek into my life on tour. He could see how I spent my time, how I did my job. I couldn’t reign in my giant smile. “I’m excited to introduce you to everyone.”  
  
He rolled his eyes at my comment.  
  
“Who cares about meeting everyone else. I just wanna see you,” he looked down at me. His dark hair was even longer than the last time I had seen him, pulled back into a short and messy pony tail, some unruly pieces of hair framing around his face. He wasn’t quite as tan as me, though he could be if he spent as much time outside as I did. Ryan looked more like our dad, while I resembled our mom. His eyebrows were thick and slightly arched, with a neatly trimmed beard framing his jaw. He had a couple of tattoos, but the only obvious one was a tribal style one that wrapped around his forearm. None of the men in my family were incredibly tall, Ryan standing at around 5’ 8”, however they weren’t nearly as short as my mother and I.  
  
“You’ll get plenty of time with me, but I want you to meet some new friends of mine,” I chuckled, his arm falling from my shoulders as I stepped ahead of him, grabbing his forearm to pull him along. As we walked I pointed out different things about the venue, like where we parked the buses, and the stage and merch stations that I would be working tonight. I introduced him to people here and there, waving at most as we passed them. We were a month and a half into the tour, and everyone knew each other at this point. A familiar face came into view. My heart leapt.  
  
“Hey,” I smiled shyly as Jeremy approached with Neil in tow, clasping my hands together. He returned a quick smile, nodding. He slowed as he reached me, and we stood in silence for a moment, staring down at the ground before I thought to introduce the boys. “Oh! guys, this…” I pulled Ryan over from behind me where he was chatting with Dan and motioned to him, “is my brother Ryan. Ryan, this is Jeremy, and this is Neil,” I gestured to the two. They all shook hands and nodded at each other, suddenly having slightly serious expressions on their faces. I rolled my eyes at the manly show.  
  
“Nice to meet you, man,” Ryan said as he dropped Jeremy’s hand.  
  
“Likewise,” Jeremy replied. Neil looked between my brother and I with a concerned expression.  
  
“Is your family just made of pretty people?” he asked. We looked at him, both confused and quite amused.  
  
“What?” I laughed, scrunching my nose. Ryan raised his eyebrow, chuckling.  
  
“You guys have a stupid amount of good genes is all I’m saying,” he sighed, shaking his head.  
  
“Thank you?” I questioned, not sure if I should take it as a compliment or not. He laughed at my obvious bewilderment, not clarifying anything at all as he continued walking. I smiled to myself, knowing Neil had a dry sense of humor, and that was just his way of breaking the ice. When Neil began to walk off it prompted everyone else to go their own way, as well, Ryan, Dan, and Shae all continuing towards the buses. Only Jeremy and I remained, not speaking, wrapped in silence again.  
  
“Will you be at the show tonight?” he asked quietly and my eyes met his. He was handsome as usual, his russet eyes studying me, making me squirm. Talking to Jeremy always created a ball of nervous tension in my chest, but I was starting to get used to it. Starting to enjoy the feeling. I nodded.  
  
“Yeah, I’ll be there,” a smile crept onto my face, and I swayed lightly from side to side. “Oh yeah, I washed your jacket. Drop by later and grab it?”  
  
He nodded in response to my question.  
  
“I’ll be there,” he mimicked, and both of us began grinning wider.  
  
“If you want-“  
  
“Casey, let’s go!” I was interrupted by Ryan’s shout as he waved me over. They were already a good fifteen feet ahead.  
  
“Sorry,” I apologized as I took a step towards them and Jeremy shook his head.  
  
“Of course. I’ll see you tonight,” he said quietly.  
  
His last comment had a goofy smile on my face as I jogged over to everyone, catching up quickly. It didn’t take us long to get to the buses, and we burst loudly into ours.  
  
“Honey, I’m hooome,” I called as I emerged, coming face to face with Gabe and Natalia who were sitting on the couch, both on their phones. They looked up, catching sight of my brother as he walked in behind me. Natalia’s eyebrow raised as he came into view, seeming intrigued, and Gabe simply gave his usual friendly smile. “The long awaited guest of honor,” I bowed with my hands palms to Ryan, kneeling slightly. He curtsied and they chuckled, raising from their seats.  
  
“Ryan, this is Gabe,” I rested my hand on Gabe’s arm and he shook my brother’s hand.  
  
“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Gabe grinned. “Casey talks about you all the time.”  
  
“Talking a lot of shit, Casey?” Ryan raised an eyebrow at me and I nodded.  
  
“Constantly,” I said, tilting my head to the side. He sneered at me momentarily before turning his attention to Nat. “And this is Natalia,” I introduced. Ryan studied her for a moment before his signature charming grin overtook his features. He had suddenly taken on a more charismatic air, stepping towards her, lifting her hand to his lips.  
  
“My pleasure,” he simpered up at her from her fingers and she smirked down at him.  
  
“What is this, Pride and Prejudice?” I asked with a bemused look, staring at her hand against his mouth. He rolled his eyes and released her, still not turning back to me.  
  
“The pleasure is all mine,” Natalia had a flirtatious look in her eyes as she stepped towards my brother coyly, taking on a girly stance with one foot lifted slightly off the floor, leaning into her hip.  
  
“Casey never told me she had such a gorgeous bus mate,” Ryan was laying it on thick, grazing his hand against her forearm. Natalia feigned a look of shock.  
  
“How ironic, she never told me her brother was a hunk, either. Shame on her,” she shook her head, placing her hand firmly against his bicep.  
  
“I can’t believe I’m watching this disgusting display,” I muttered to myself, turning towards the door.  
  
“Alright, alright, break it up, you two,” Shae pushed through. “Let’s go get some lunch before Casey sees something she can’t unsee.”  
  
“I second that motion,” I raised my hand as we both walked out the door, everyone else casually dawdling along behind us. As soon as Shae and I were a little farther ahead, she leaned in to whisper to me.  
  
“So your brother and Natalia are painfully aware of each other… Oh! But you also got to introduce him to Jeremy,” she wiggled her eyebrows as she elbowed my arm playfully. I rolled my eyes.  
  
“That was no big deal,” I looked down at my feet as I kicked at the ground shyly, wanting to avoid the subject while my brother could possibly overhear. The thing about my brothers is that they were always massively overprotective. Every time I dated someone new they had to endure an intense line of questioning from Ryan and Joey, and if things didn’t end well my brothers would be the first ones threatening to beat the shit out of the guy. It was endearing, and I felt loved, but I didn’t want Jeremy under scrutiny. We were purely friends, and I didn’t want Ryan giving Jeremy any other impressions that would make him uncomfortable around me.  
  
“Sure it was. He got to meet your lover boy,” she sang, and I grabbed onto her arm, glancing behind us to make sure Ryan didn’t hear.  
  
“Shh. I don’t want Ryan to know… That I… You know. Have someone… I like,” I blushed, not used to admitting it out loud. Shae squealed and I pulled on her arm once again, giving her a look of desperation. She resigned, a lop sided grin still plastered across her face. She nodded in understanding and we both started giggling, linking arms. As we settled down, though, I overheard Dan and Ryan’s conversation behind me, reigniting the fear I had just confronted.  
  
“Yeah, she’s giggling like a girl in love,” Ryan laughed, I assumed at me.  
  
“Maybe that’s because she is,” Dan scoffed, and my blood ran cold.  
  
“What?” Ryan turned to him, brows furrowed.  
  
“She’s got a certain someone wrapped around her little finger,” Dan raised his eyebrows at my brother, smirking at him with a knowing look. My brother immediately turned and locked eyes with me.  
  
“Case, you didn’t tell me you were dating anyone,”  
  
“I’m not!” I defended, stopping so they could catch up to us.  
  
“Might as well be,” Dan rolled his eyes.  
  
“Dan, stop it,” I hissed and he looked up, finally getting the hint that I didn’t want to talk about this with Ryan. His face dropped into an ‘o’ shape and he gave me an apologetic look.  
  
“Why didn’t you say anything? Who is it, I want to meet them,” Ryan suddenly seemed bigger as he stopped walking, with an intimidating look on his face.  
  
“There isn’t anyone,” I said grumpily, crossing my arms over my chest.  
  
“Come on, Case, don’t be like that. You know as your older brother I just want to have a few words with this guy,” he mirrored me, crossing his arms over his chest as well.  
  
“Well I don’t want you to.”  
  
“Well that’s too bad.”  
  
We were staring each other down, glaring daggers. I didn’t want my brother butting into my love life when there wasn’t one to speak of. There was no way I was letting him near Jeremy to threaten him for something he didn’t do. Probably wouldn’t do. Even though I felt so much closer to Jeremy recently, he still felt far away, like something in a museum that I could admire all day, but if I reached out I could never quite touch it. If Ryan approached him trying to intimidate like he always did, Jeremy would only feel that much farther away. I didn’t want that. I wanted to protect this small sliver of closeness I had achieved.  
  
“Come on, guys,” Gabe stepped between us, placing his hand on my lower back. “Let’s just get to catering, get some food. You don’t want to spend your day together arguing, right?” He gave me a soft, reassuring smile. My face softened and I nodded, turning as he led me away. I felt Ryan’s eyes on my back, and though his demeanor relaxed as well, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was watching my every move now.  
  
“Thanks, Gabe,” I smiled up at the tall man, his brown hair having a slightly red tint to it in the direct sunlight. He was almost glowing from where I stood, and I had to stifle a laugh. He was like a tower, blocking the strong light from my eyes.  
  
“No problem, I’m here to help,” he grinned down at me, now throwing his arm over my shoulder. I leaned into his side as we walked, chatting amongst ourselves the entire way. It didn’t take long to reach the catering tent, and as we walked in we all lined up, fixing our plates.  
  
“Oh, hey, they have your favorite,” Gabe chimed from beside me, pointing to the pesto pasta at the end. I cheered, rushing over and reaching towards the dish. As I grabbed the catering spoon my hand grazed the hot pan. I yelped, dropping my paper plate and gripping the burned hand. It throbbed, turning red, and the entire side of my right hand was stinging all over. Gabe dropped his plate and utensils, rushing over.  
  
“Are you okay?” he asked, worried. I nodded, holding the area of tender skin. Gabe gently lifted my hand away, holding my wrist delicately, as if I would break if he wasn’t incredibly careful. He reached over and retrieved a piece of ice from one of the water pitchers, and pressed it softly to the pulsating skin. I sucked in a sharp breath of air through my teeth, but didn’t pull away. “You have to be careful, Case,” he scolded lightly, and I sighed, nodding bashfully. “It’s not bad, it’s not even blistering. It should stop hurting here in a minute,” he said and rubbed my upper arm in an attempt to comfort me. I looked up and saw that our group was huddled around me, backing up the line.  
  
“Thanks,” I smiled weakly at him as I stepped out of the way, everyone else doing the same. My eyes met with Ryan’s, and he had his head tilted to the side, one eyebrow raised.  
  
“You okay?” he asked, but his mind was clearly somewhere else, probably still thinking about my nonexistent boyfriend.  
  
“I’m fine. Sorry, guys,” I looked down sheepishly, biting my lip. “Let’s get back in line.” They all agreed, moving pack to our spots.  
  
“Actually, I’m gonna run to the restroom,” Ryan said, and disappeared quickly out of the tent.  
  


\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


**Jeremy’s POV**

  
  
I finished rinsing my hands in the stained porcelain sink, placing both palms firmly against it as I stared myself down in the mirror. I let out a deep breath, studying my face. Meeting Casey’s brother had felt strangely intimidating. It didn’t feel like I was just being introduced to someone on the tour. It felt more important. It also felt like I had failed a test I didn’t know I was taking. They really resembled each other. I could see how important he was to her, and I found a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips, thinking about how excited she had been. I shook my head, taking a final deep breath before I moved, striding out of the bathrooms. Just as I rounded the corner I was surprised to find Ryan, leaned lazily against the wall with a cigarette in his mouth. He glanced over and our eyes met.  
  
“Hey, man,” he greeted, taking a deep drag. Despite my usual avoidance of social situations, I felt the urge to stay. To get a look into another side of Casey’s life.  
  
“Hey,” I nodded, leaning a few feet away from him. “Can I bum one?” I asked, and he obliged, handing me a cigarette. I held it between my lips, and he lit it for me. “Thanks,” I said with a mouthful of smoke, then exhaling, my muscles relaxing. I didn’t smoke often, but sometimes it was nice to calm my nerves.  
  
“No problem… Hey, can I ask you something?” he spoke slowly, his head tilted at me, scratching his jaw with his cigarette dangling between his fingers.  
  
“Shoot.”  
  
“What’s Casey like on tour?”  
  
His question took me off guard a little. It had been close to something I was asking myself. What was Casey like off tour? At home, in her day to day life. Did she have pets? Did she like to cook? What were her favorite things? I couldn’t say it was the first time I had considered these questions. It felt strange, though, to have someone who had so much access to her life, ask me about what she was like. Like in a way, I knew a part of her someone so close didn’t.  
  
“She’s a hard worker. She’s always doing her best… She gets excited about catering food, which is funny because hardly anyone does. She’s the fastest at wrapping cables, too. Don’t tell anyone I said that, because the sound techs would be pissed… It’s cute when she gets excited when people bring their dogs to outdoor venues… Also I think she’s probably the only person who hasn’t been pranked by anyone on this entire tour, because everyone kind of wants to take care of her, you know…” I realized I was rambling and stopped myself, taking a deep drag of the cigarette, looking away from him. Possibly to hide the tint of red that had covered my cheeks. I decided not to say anymore, hoping it wasn’t strange that I had noticed all those things in the first place. I was mentally preparing myself for him to get angry, maybe thinking I was a creep. But he didn’t get mad. He nodded, a small smile forming.  
  
“Sounds like Casey all right…” he shook his head, chuckling. “She does have a tendency to overwork herself, though. I worry about her… Travelling out here, with all these people, and I’m not here to watch over her. I’m glad she has a friend like you.” He gave me an approving look, and I nodded, feeling oddly satisfied. It felt like I had taken another step in the right direction. In her direction. I had wanted so badly to close the gap between us. To be able to talk to her without a reason, just to say hi. To eat with her, spend time with her. To become a regular addition to her life. The more time I spent with her the greedier I felt, always wanting more. Wanting her.  
  
“I didn’t expect her to have a boyfriend, though,” he sighed, breathing in more smoke. My head snapped up. What? What boyfriend? I felt myself tense.  
  
“Boyfriend?” I asked, my brow furrowed, mind reeling. It felt like I had taken a blow to the gut.  
  
“Yeah, you know, that Gabe guy.”  
  
It took me some time to process his words, running over them again and again in my mind.  
  
“Where did you hear that?”  
  
“From Dan,” he replied, looking over at me. “Are you okay?”  
  
I shook my head, dropping the cigarette to the ground.  
  
“I, uh… I need to go… Take care of something…” I lied, backing away, finally turning and walking forward.  
  
Images of them together flashed through my mind. Things that had bothered me before, but I had no place to say anything to prevent them, to stop them. Casey holding Gabe’s hand as they walked away from the bar that night. Them returning, her wrapped around his back, laughing. The way he hugged her after shows. The way he was always touching her, her arms, her back. How he looked at her. How I knew it was the same way _I_ looked at her.  
  
I walked into the catering tent, glancing around wildly in search of my band mates, hoping they could be the voice of reason for me. Instead I saw Casey, seated next to Gabe, laughing. Her hand was on his arm, his palm draped over her leg. Skin against skin. They were cracking up at something Dan had said, evidently. She leaned into Gabe, her head pressing against his arm as she laughed deeply, and he removed his hand from her thigh, instead draping it over the back of her chair. My stomach sank. My chest felt tight and hot. Like it was being squeezed and at the same time pulled taut. I took a shaky breath, backing out of the tent, heading towards my bus. I kept mulling everything over in my mind. It felt like I had a thousand thoughts swirling in my head, but at the same time I felt so blank. So hollow. _I had wanted so badly to close the gap between us._


	16. Chapter 16

  
“Don’t go,” I pouted at Ryan as we both approached the taxi cab waiting outside for him, pulled up against the curb outside the venue. It was night now. Ryan had come to the show, standing back stage, watching me as I worked. I felt proud of what I was doing, like a little kid who was trying to impress someone, but I didn’t care. I was glad he got to see me in my element. See that I was happy and that being away from the family was worth it, even though it was hard. Things felt a little off after lunch, though. Ryan was unusually quiet, and Jeremy seemed to be avoiding me during the concert. I had tried to talk to him, but he disappeared every time I started to make my way over. I tried not to read too much into it, concentrating on my brother, who was right in front of me, for what would be the last time in months.  
  
“You know I’ve gotta go, Case,” he chuckled as he set his bag down, turning towards me, extending one arm outward for a hug. I obliged, ducking into his side.  
  
“I don’t want you to,” I muttered as I wrapped my arms around his waist, squeezing tightly as my eyes closed and I thought of how much more I would miss him now that I saw him for this short time, and how it was even harder to say goodbye now.  
  
“I mean, I don’t want to, either,” he sighed, wrapping me up in his arms, resting his head on top of mine.  
  
“Will you tell dad and Joey that I miss them?” I asked, and I heard his small laugh before it came out of his mouth, my head bouncing against his chest with the lofty breath.  
  
“I would have told them even if you didn’t say it, bug,” tears welled in my eyes at the childhood nickname, and I squeezed harder against him. My family was such a big part of my life. When I wasn’t with them it was like I was missing a part of me, like a corner of my heart had been uncorked and dropped in a bottle that sat in their hands as they waited for me to come home. It took me a moment, but I eventually released him, stepping out of his grip.  
  
“I’ll be home in four months,” I said with a weak smile and he returned it, turning to get into the cab.  
  
“We’ll be waiting,” he waved from over his shoulder, ducking into the vehicle. I watched with a heavy heart as the cab drove away, releasing a deep sigh as they turned the corner, gone from my sight. I turned, making my way back into the venue, kicking the gravel lightly as a I walked, feeling weighed down. As much as I loved touring, and making my own place in life, there were still things I hated about it. The hot, muggy days, sitting in the bus for hours while we drove, the creepy people you could sometimes encounter on the road. And missing my family. Thinking about the past, playing outside with my brothers, searching for “treasure”, excited just to find a few quarters down the block. Forcing each other to eat our least favorite foods behind dad’s back at dinner in exchange for favors. Getting in fights and hiding out in the dog house until the other came to find you. Nostalgia washed over me, and I felt a sadness sitting in my chest that I knew wouldn’t go away very soon.  
  
I decided to think about the things I loved about being on tour, instead. Surely that would help me feel better. Spending everyday with my closest friends. Shae dressing me up in her girly clothes, and even though I refused to leave the bunks in them, secretly liking some of the outfits. Dan making jokes about every situation, ever, never taking anything seriously. Seeing different places, animals that weren’t around where I grew up, tiny towns with people so friendly I was surprised they existed. Eating different foods that I couldn’t eat anywhere else, breathing the fresh air of the mountains, playing in the snow that we didn’t have in Florida. I felt better, thinking for a long time about all the things I loved here.  
  
“Jeremy!” I called as I saw him ahead of me, my thoughts dissipating as he turned in my direction. I jogged toward him, but slowed as his brows furrowed, and he turned, walking away, a troubled look on his face. I took a few more steps to close the distance. “Hey, I was thinking about where we could go with everybody on our day off, and I heard there’s a water park not far from here,” I said to his back as I tried to keep up with him. It seemed like he was speeding up. He glanced back over his shoulder at me, pausing for a moment, before he resumed fast walking away from me.  
  
“Now’s not a good time,” he rasped, digging his hands into his hoodie pockets. My brows were set hard, a look of concern etched across my face.  
  
“Are you okay?” I jogged ahead once more, bounding in front of him, making him stop suddenly. He gave me a look that I couldn’t discern. A mix of frustration and sadness.  
  
“I’m fine,” he said hesitantly, trying to move around me.  
  
“Are you feeling sick?” I asked as I lifted my hand to his forehead, checking his temperature. Suddenly his hand swatted out at mine, knocking it roughly away from him. My eyes widened as he looked at me. He looked almost as surprised as I did, seeming to have moved instinctively.  
  
“I'm... Sorry... But I’m fine. Please, just leave me alone.”  
  
With that he side stepped around me, continuing on towards the catering tents where I could hear everyone talking and laughing. Something about him was sharp and unwelcoming.

Just like before.

The racket of the tour seemed to shift behind me, into white noise, as I stared at the place Jeremy had been, completely thrown by his actions. I wasn’t sure what had happened, my mind reeling with possibilities. Had I upset him? Did I do anything to make him angry with me? The thought alone made me queasy. I took a shaky breath. Today had been such a long, eventful day. I was tired, but when I thought about Jeremy keeping me at arm’s length I was filled with a surprising courage I didn’t know myself to have.  
  
I turned on my heel, quickly picking up pace in the direction Jeremy had gone. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but it felt like we had gone back in time, back to when things were tense and awkward. Back to when we weren’t friends. I didn’t want that. _I really didn’t want that._  
  
I rushed into the catering tent, pushing back the drape and glancing around. I scanned the area, but he was nowhere in sight. I felt like I was on a mission now. I was determined to find Jeremy and make sure everything was alright between us. He had felt so far away all night, and I had been denying it, keeping it in the back of my mind, but after our interaction I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. My body was coated in a cold sweat, nerves washing over me with anxiety. I walked around the back of the tent, searching all around, my eyes skimming over everything. I heard him before I saw him, Jeremy’s distinct voice, around the corner. I walked faster, hearing him more clearly now. I got nervous the closer I got. What would I say? Was I over reacting? Maybe I didn’t need to say anything at all and things would go back to normal. But I didn’t want to chance it. This didn’t need to be anything dramatic, I just need to make sure things are okay. Make sure we were okay. I slowed my pace as I approached the corner of a cement building, realizing he had been heading towards the empty stage, a place similar to where we had escaped to the first night we had a real conversation, where things were quiet and separate from everyone else.  
  
“I’m just saying, you look like shit, dude,” I stopped as I heard Neil’s voice, suddenly second guessing myself. I didn’t want to interrupt anything in my own selfish plight to make sure Jeremy wasn’t upset with me. The more I thought about it, the sillier I felt. My determination was dwindling as nerves and self-doubt took over. We were probably fine. I hadn’t done anything, so why would Jeremy be mad at me? I shook my head, feeling ridiculous. It was stupid of me to follow him here. I turned to leave but stopped in my tracks as I heard Neil speak again. “All this shit with Casey is distracting you. Maybe you should just keep some distance for a while if she’s stressing you out that much.”  
  
My stomach dropped, and suddenly it felt like there was a fire smoldering in my chest. My eyes widened and I braced myself for his reply. I was silently begging for him to deny it. Did I stress Jeremy out? Is that what this was? All this time I had been trying to get closer and it was just a bother to him. The thought made me sick to my stomach.  
  
“It’s not like that, man, it’s just…” Jeremy sighed, and I bit down on the inside of my cheek, trying not to jump to any conclusions.  
  
“No, it _is_ like that. You have to think about your career, Jeremy. _Our_ career. She’s a distraction, especially now. There’s no point pursuing any of this. You said it yourself, it’s hard to talk to her, and now it’s hard to even look at her. Why are you torturing yourself? Just do yourself a favor and cut off this extra limb before it becomes more of a burden.”  
  
My legs shook as I stood, my back pressed firmly into the wall that was holding me upright. My fingers were pressed to my lips, a feeling of disbelief coursing through me. Is that really how Jeremy felt? All this time? I was always just a stressor. He never enjoyed the time we spent together, not the way I did. Never looked forward to seeing me the next day like I did. Never feeling nervous and excited the way I did. I had been foolish, thinking he could feel the same, hoping he did. It was one sided the entire time. All of it.  
  
I walked listlessly back towards the buses, at least I hoped that’s where my feet were taking me. I didn’t look up as I meandered around the venue, ambling around pathetically. My blood ran cold with embarrassment, my heart aching in my chest. Why was it so painful? Surely this had just been a little crush this whole time. I had even thought I was fine not dating Jeremy, as long as we could be friends, and I could be by his side. Now it felt like he was so far away. I thought I was getting closer to him, but it was just an illusion I had tricked myself into believing.  
  
“Casey?” I heard Gabe’s voice and I looked up slowly, listlessly. “What are you doing out he-“ he paused staring dumbly at me. “A-are you okay?” he hurried over, looking worried.  
  
“What?” I croaked, not sure what he meant.  
  
“I’m really sorry, Casey, but I’m not really good with comforting people… When they, uh… cry,”  
  
I reached up numbly to my face, feeling the wet tears on my fingertips. They were falling freely from my eyes, cascading down my cheeks. I felt all the emotions that had been swirling around in my mind crash down against me, weighing me down. I felt like I was drowning. _Why was it so painful to think that I was hated by Jeremy? Why did I care so much?_  
  
“Oh… I didn’t even realize… I’m sorry. I… I’m fine,” my voice cracked and I dropped my face into my hands, shielding it from view. “It’ll stop soon, I promise,” my voice was muffled and small. I crouched down, sniffling into my arms, letting the sadness overtake me. There was no point resisting it. One of the people that made me happiest on this tour thought I was a burden. A distraction. A nuisance. I just needed to let it all out. Gabe wrung his hands nervously, and at some point I was vaguely aware of him rubbing my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me. I hardly noticed. The silence wrapped around us, ate us whole. That was how I sent my brother off. That was how I let me and Jeremy’s friendship wither.


	17. Chapter 17

It had been a week since I overheard Jeremy and Neil’s conversation. The rest of that night was a blur. I remember hobbling back to my bus with Gabe fussing behind me, trying to help me, but I was unresponsive. It was so much to process for me. I vaguely remember Dan and Shae asking me what was wrong, and everyone following me to the bunks. I never gave them an answer. They still don’t know what happened that night, and I was planning to keep it that way.  
  
No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t hate Jeremy. I didn’t want anyone else to harbor any ill-will towards him, either. In truth he hadn’t done anything wrong. It was me who had been following him, trailing after him like a lost puppy. I still felt embarrassed when I thought about it, about how desperate and clingy I must have seemed. I wouldn’t lie and say that it didn’t hurt to think that Jeremy found me to be a burden the entire time. It made my stomach churn. Something about being hated by him… It made my skin crawl. There was nothing I could do about it now, though. All I could do was put distance between us. Try to stop thinking about it. Try to move forward.  
  
“Hey, guys,” I said as I approached the table my bus mates were all congregated at in the catering tent. They fell silent as I approached and I could only assume it had been me they were talking about. I’m sure they did a lot of that recently. They could tell I was feeling down, but I didn’t want to make anything out of this situation. There wasn’t much to it. I liked Jeremy and he thought I was a pest, and now it’s time for me to take the hint and leave him alone. That’s all there was to it.  
  
“Hey, Case. How are you feeling?” Dan asked as he pulled the chair next to him out for me to sit.  
  
“I’m fine,” I said as I perched on the edge of the seat, leaning my elbows on the table top, looking to the other seat beside me and meeting Gabe’s concerned gaze.  
  
“Did you get enough sleep last night?” Shae asked from across the table, studying my face.  
  
“I got some,” I nodded, and she cocked her head to the side.  
  
“You’ve got some serious under eye bags, girl. You’ve barely been getting any rest these days.  _What_  is going  _on_?” She prodded and I shook my head.  
  
“I’m fine, really. Let’s just eat our breakfast, okay?” I asked gently and she sighed, leaning back in her chair as a sign of retreat.  
  
“Okay, I’ll leave it for now, but you will tell me at some point, come Hell or high water,” she grumbled, digging into her plate of eggs and bacon. I smiled slightly at the stubborn girl, picking at the fruit cup I grabbed, sighing as I dug the fork around aimlessly.  
  
“Come on, Case, you’ve gotta eat,” Dan said quietly, delicately. He rested his hand on the back of my chair, giving me a concerned look. “I don’t like seeing you this way. I understand if you’re not ready to share, but I’m here for you. You know that, right?” I nodded in response to his question, mustering the most convincing smile I could.  
  
“Thanks, Dan. I know. It’s just really not a big deal. You know me. I’ll bounce back in no time,” I tried to convince him as well as myself, and he gave me a weak smile, patting my head before he turned back to everybody, jumping into the new conversation they were having. I felt eyes on me, and looked back to Gabe who was staring intently. When we locked eyes he gave me a goofy smile and wave, and I couldn’t help but chuckle, returning it.

“Are you really okay?” he leaned close to me, whispering so no one else could hear. I appreciated his subtlety. I just wanted to fade into the background and forget this ever happened, and that was hard when everyone was watching me over their shoulders. His hand slipped over my knee as he lowered himself to my eye level, giving me a sincere expression that begged me to confide in him.

I sighed, nodding. I patted his hand on my leg and gave him an appreciative smile.

“Yeah. I’ll get there, I just need a little time,” I admitted, casting my gaze downward. Thankfully he dropped it as he nodded solemnly, retracting his hand and leaning back in his chair.

It wasn’t like everyone’s concerns were unfounded. It was true that I hadn’t been taking very good care of myself since that night I overheard Jeremy and Neil’s conversation. I just didn’t have an appetite, and sleep didn’t come easy with all my thoughts swirling like demons in my head. No matter how heavy my eyes were, I could never escape into my dreams, no matter how hard I tried. I avoided people as much as possible. Mostly specific people. People I didn’t want to bother.  
  
Just as I thought that, I saw the front flap of the tent lift, and Jeremy stepped inside. We made eye contact momentarily, but I looked down swiftly, biting down on the inside of my cheek, suddenly filled with anxiety. My stomach was a bundle of nerves. I sat for a moment, thinking I could act normally, but in the end I couldn’t shake the urge to flee. I stood, and my friends all looked up at me. I quickly dismissed their concerned expressions, saying I had to run to the restroom. I scampered off, disappearing in the opposite direction of where Jeremy came in.  
  
As I wandered around outside, I felt myself winding down. We were in Georgia, and the air was warm. A little humid, but comfortable. It was already almost March, and spring was just around the corner. With the weather being significantly less freezing, especially down here in the south, I could finally wear more [outfits](http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=193520147) like the one I had today, simple shorts and a t-shirt, making me feel a little more at ease. It seemed oddly calm out, only a few people wandering around. The peace and quiet was wonderful, and I felt my mind finally settling. The fresh air was really helping. A side stage came into view, and without thinking I made my way over.  
  
I peeked around, but there was no one to be seen. I sighed with relief, glad to be alone. I wandered slowly up the steps through the back, and onto the stage, empty except for a few large amps and a guitar rack, already prepped for the show tonight. Our day off last week came and went. I thought back to that night on the bus, when Jeremy asked me to spend the day with him and the guys. The memory was bittersweet now. It had made me so happy, to have him ask me to spend some time with him. Now my chest ached when I thought about the empty words. He probably never meant them.  
  
I shook the thoughts from my head, clasping my hands behind my back as I mosied around the stage, hearing cicadas buzzing nearby. I thought about all the times when I was younger, that I felt down like this. It was mostly my senior year of high school, after Ryan graduated, that I felt so bogged down, a little bit hopeless. I had a hard time with my peers back then. Without my big brother to protect me I found that there were people who wanted to hurt me, and I had no way of stopping them. There was one girl in particular. She was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She didn’t like me, and she made it a point to let me know, but she was clever about it. She befriended all my friends in school back then, winning them over, to the point where they all believed she could do no wrong. She would bully me, hide my things, push me down, have her jock friends tousle me up behind the gym after school. But no one believed me. She had manipulated all of them, and I was left alone. I felt helpless and misunderstood back then, isolated. It was similar to how I was feeling now. But this time there was no point fighting it, because unlike then, this time  _I_  was the problem. There wasn’t someone manipulating anyone in the shadows, it was just me. Annoying and insecure.  
  
I took a shaky breath, reaching out towards the rack of guitars. This was my escape then, and it would be my escape now. Music. I gripped the acoustic on the rack, pulling it out and sitting down on the edge of the stage with the instrument perched on my lap. I strummed the neck a few times, tuning it a little until it was perfect. I picked at the fret board until a song came to mind, and I began playing ‘Just Breathe’ by Pearl Jam. It was a soft song, with a jovial enough tune. If you listened closely the lyrics were melancholy, but a little hopeful. Human. I felt them resonate with me as I sang softly with the music. I felt my heart pour out with the guitar as it hummed along with me. The emotion left my body through my fingertips each time they switched chords, every time they picked a string. I felt the ache in my chest but I embraced it. The music invaded me, filled all the empty holes, flooding in with every word I let out.  
  
_Practiced are my sins, never gonna let me win,_  
 _Under everything, just another human being,_  
 _I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed_  
  
_Stay with me_  
 _You're all I see..._  
  
_Did I say that I need you?_  
 _Did I say that I want you?_  
 _Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see_  
 _No one knows this more than me_  
 _As I come clean..._  
  
I stopped short as I heard shuffling behind me. I whipped around, surprised by who I saw standing there.  
  
“Hey, Gabe, I didn’t… know you were there. What’s up?” I said, quickly standing, rushing to put the guitar back on the stand.  
  
“Oh, you don’t have to stop! I… Was just listening…” he said, flustered, waving his hands around.  
  
“It’s okay, I was pretty much done anyway…” I said softly, and an awkward silence fell over us.  
  
“You’re… Really talented. You have a beautiful voice,” his last words were almost a whisper, and I had to strain to hear them. I had seen Gabe flustered before, embarrassed even, but shy was kind of new.  
  
“Thanks… We should probably head back,” I motioned towards the exit door to the stairs behind him and he looked from them to me.  
  
“Oh, yeah, we can, I just… I wanted to make sure you were okay. You know, after last week. You’ve been really out of it these days… You can tell me if anything happened. If you need a shoulder to lean on… I don’t mind,” he took a few steps towards me as he spoke until he was right in front of me, rubbing the back of his head nervously. I stared at him for a moment before I chuckled softly, smiling down at my feet.  
  
“Thanks, Gabe. I know I can depend on you. This is just something I have to deal with on my own,”  
  
We stood, surrounded by a moment of quiet as he seemed to search for words to say.  
  
“Is this about Jeremy?” he asked so suddenly, I didn’t even realize how quickly my head shot up. I must have looked shocked, but he continued. “I… see the way you look at him, and… Look, he’s not good enough for you. There are better people out there. And they’re not as far as you think. There are people who want to protect you, and make you smile… Not make you cry… The way he did,” his face was dark now, serious.  
  
“No, Gabe, that’s not… It’s not Jeremy’s fault…”  
  
“How is it not, Casey?” he took a swift step towards me, grabbing my hand in his. Surprised by his sudden vigor, I took a step back, trying to pull my hand away, but he held it firmly. “You’re just blinded by your affection for him, you don’t see him for what he really is. He’s selfish, and cold, and unkind-“  
  
“You’re wrong,” I interrupted, glaring down at my feet, my free hand balled at my side.  
  
“What?” he looked perplexed, irritated.  
  
“Jeremy may seem like that, on the outside. But underneath all that tough exterior he’s gentle, and warm, and kind-hearted. He’s always been there for me… Even when I thought he hated me, he was there for me. He hit Ramone for me. He took care of me when I was so drunk I couldn’t stand up straight. He gave me his jacket and made sure I was warm. He brought me coffee when I was hungover. Does that really sound like someone who’s selfish and cold and unkind?... People aren’t one dimensional. People have layers. Sometimes if you look close enough you can see the walls they put up to keep themselves from getting hurt, but it doesn’t mean they’re bad people, and it doesn’t mean they’re undeserving of love,” my voice trembled as I spoke, feeling the emotions well to the surface.  
  
“Love?” Gabe laughed in exasperation. “You  _love_  him?”  
  
“Don’t put words in my mouth,” I snapped, ripping my hand out of his.  
  
“Look…” he took a shaky breath, trying to calm himself. “I  _know_  you can do better,”  
  
“Why do you keep saying that, Gabe?! As if I was ever pursuing him!”  
  
“Because you are! All you ever look at is him! You don’t have eyes for anyone else!”  
  
“Who else am I supposed to be looking at?!”  
  
“Me!” he shouted, hands pressed firmly against his chest. “You’re supposed to be looking at me! I’ve  _always_  been there for you! I’ve been nothing but kind to you! So why, after all this time, can’t it be me?!” he was panting, eyes wide with fury and passion. I stared at him, like a deer in headlights. I had no idea what to say. For the first time in a week, my mind was blank. “I have liked you since the first time I saw you… There was never any room for me, was there?” his anger seemed to be dissipating, now replaced by a tired bitterness. I had never seen this side of Gabe. Though after what he said, I wasn’t surprised that he hid this side of himself from me. The side of him that threw tantrums. The side of him that was raw and pleading.  
  
“I’m… Sorry, Gabe… I just…”  
  
“No… Don’t say anything,” he said firmly. I looked up at him, confused. “I don’t want your answer right now. Give me time… To win you over. I will win your heart, Casey. Until then, let’s pretend this never happened,” his words were stern, forceful. I tried to protest, but he turned, walking briskly away.  
  
I stood in the silence of the stage for a moment, my jaw dropped, not sure what to make of the events that had just transpired. Gabe had liked me all this time? The one he said he liked… That he lived with…  
  
I swiftly turned, rushing down the steps. I had to escape this place. Even outside I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why was this happening? Jeremy hated me. Gabe liked me, and what’s worse is that he isn’t the same caring Gabe I knew all along. There was another side to him. A forceful, impatient side that he had stowed away. It felt like a lie. Like he had manipulated me. Did I really know him at all? What was he really like? Everything was going wrong.  
  
“Casey,” a voice jerked me from my thoughts, and I looked up, coming face to face with the tour manager. “There’s someone I’d like you to meet.” He stepped to the side, revealing a beautiful girl, taller than me, with curly blonde and brunette ringlets of hair, and long, slender legs. She had pouty lips, and doe eyes, and was well endowed for her petite body. A man’s dream. I remembered those pouty lips. I remembered that soft blonde hair. My eyes widened. It felt like this was the nail in my coffin.  
  
“Marissa…” I breathed.  
  
“Casey! It’s been so long. Since senior year of high school, wasn’t it?” she asked coyly, tilting her head to the side.  
  
“Oh, you guys know each other?” The manager asked, looking back and forth between us.  
  
“Like sisters,” she smirked. It felt like I was prey, and I had once again fallen to the wolves.


	18. Chapter 18

  
“Well, since you know each other, that makes things easy. Marissa is joining the tour since we had several people leave recently. Casey, I’ll leave it to you to show her around. Good luck,” the tour manager smiled at Marissa, laying his palm on the small of her back as he shook her hand. She gave her usual polished smile, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she waved. They had only just met and she already had him wrapped around her little finger.  
  
“What are you doing here?” I asked, staring accusingly at her. “Did you come here to make my life miserable or something?”  
  
She turned swiftly as soon as he was out of sight, flipping one side of her hair over her shoulder.  
  
“Don’t flatter yourself, Holt. We were both in music production club, remember? Seeing you here is as surprising for me as it is for you,” she rolled her eyes, pulling her phone out and scanning her eyes over the screen that read eleven a.m. “Let’s get this over with, I don’t exactly want to be spending the morning with _you_. I thought I wouldn’t have to ever see your face again after we graduated,” she sighed, tucking it back into her purse with her manicured fingers.  
  
“Charming as always,” I grumbled sarcastically, turning to walk towards the buses.  
  
“Oh my god. You know, that was always something I hated about you. That annoying sarcasm. Save it for someone who cares.”  
  
“You know, it’s funny, your voice was always what I hated the most about you. Something about it is just so… grating,” I smiled fakely at her, not waiting for her to catch up. If I was lucky she would just fall off the face of the earth and I could just go wallow in my bunk.  
  
“Where are we going? Aren’t you supposed to be showing me around?” she groaned, stopping and crossing her arms over her chest, giving me an irritated look.  
  
“I don’t want to show you anything, Marissa. Go find your own way around. I’m sure you can leech on to some unsuspecting bystander and get what you want,” I shook my head, approaching the fence that lead to the buses.  
  
“Are you kidding me? I don’t know who is and isn’t a sleaze around here. This isn’t high school anymore, there are fucked up people everywhere,”  
  
“It’s hilarious that you say that, because I’m positive you’re one of them.”  
  
“Look, Casey,” she grabbed my arm, making me stop walking and spin towards her. “I never liked you. And I won’t lie, that hasn’t changed since high school, so don’t expect me to be buddy-buddy with you. I will still do whatever it takes to get what I want. And what I want, right now, is for you to show me around this shit hole. I know you think because I just got here that I can’t do much, but I have a very special talent for ruining people who don’t do as I say. Or do you not remember? Because I can remind you if that’s what you need,” She said authoritatively, her eyes wide and intimidating. I sighed deeply, staring down at her fingers digging into my skin.  
  
“Fine. I’ll show you around,” I cursed myself inside, knowing that if I gave her an inch she would turn my life upside down in an instant. But I was so tired. It had been a long day. A long week.  
  
She smiled triumphantly, releasing my arm and taking a step back, looking around to make sure no one saw her real, disgusting personality.  
  
“That’s better. So, where to?”  
  
I pointed over to the buses behind me.  
  
“These are the tour buses. We sleep here,” I pointed nearby towards the entrance to the venue with the stages. “Those are the stages. That’s where the bands play,” I pointed in the opposite direction at the tents. “That’s the catering tent. We eat there… There are some public showers and bathrooms nearby if you don’t want to use the bathrooms on the bus. Don’t know why you wouldn’t, though. Sometimes we stop at campsites, but that won’t be for about another week I think. Any questions?” I looked at her lazily.  
  
“Seriously?... Come on, introduce me to people,” she grunted as she turned, latching on to my arm, dragging me behind her as she walked towards the catering tent where the most noise was coming from.  
  
“Marissa, I’d really like to go back to my bus now-“  
  
“Just stop talking, you’re really getting on my nerves. No one cares what you want,” she snapped, not letting up. I sighed silently, letting my shoulders drop in defeat. I never was good at confrontation. Arguing with Gabe took a lot more out of me than I had thought. I didn’t want to fight with anyone right now, I just wanted to sleep for a few days.  
  
As we approached the tent, people were standing around outside, some holding plates of food, chatting. Around one o’clock we would have to start setting the stages up, so for now everyone was just taking it easy. We walked over to the first group we saw, just some sound techs I was acquaintances with. I introduced Marissa to them, and of course she put on her best face. Everyone was smiles all around, not doubting for a second that she was an angel. I kept my eyes down, just waiting until she was done to move on to the next group of innocent casualties who would fall victim to her manipulations.  
  
We stepped away and Dan and Shae emerged from the tent. I cringed internally. I was hoping for the chance to let them know what kind of a person she was before they actually met. I would have to tell them later, on the bus.  
  
“Hey, Case, where did you run off to? I thought you just had to go to the bathroom,” Dan said, sauntering over, then noticing Marissa behind me. “Who’s your friend?” he raised his eyebrow at the unfamiliar face.  
  
“I’m Marissa,” she said before I could speak, shoving past me and offering her hand to him. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m actually an old friend of Casey’s from high school. I’m so excited to be working with her after all this time, we were practically inseparable back then. Weren’t we, Casey?” she turned to me, a sly smile on her face.  
  
“Um… Yeah, something like that,” I mumbled as I stared at my feet. Dan cocked his head to the side, but before he could say anything to me Marissa began speaking again.  
  
“Oh my god, is that your natural hair color? I love it,” she said to Shae as she reached out, lightly touching Shae’s ponytail. Shae smiled sheepishly. She was weak to compliments.  
  
“Yeah, it is! Thank you, that’s nice of you to say. I’m Shae by the way. I’m surprised Casey hasn’t mentioned you, you’re so sweet,” they shook hands.  
  
“Well, it’s been a long time. I’m not surprised Casey moved on from that time in her life. You know, she didn’t have the best high school experience,” Marissa said quietly, looking at me with fake pity. I rolled my eyes.  
  
“Okay, well, Marissa, I’m sure you can find your way around from here, so if you’ll excuse us,” I started, pushing Dan and Shae with me as I walked.  
  
“Wait, wait, Marissa is new around here. We can’t just ditch her. It’s the least we could do to show you around. A friend of Casey’s is a friend of ours,” Dan smiled politely, gesturing for her to come with us.  
  
“Dan, what are you doing?” I hissed under my breath. He looked at me, confused.  
  
“Oh, no, I wouldn’t want to intrude…” Marissa looked on politely.  
  
“Of course you’re not intruding,” Dan remained with a perplexed look on his face as he gazed at me, but didn’t falter nonetheless. “We’d be happy for you to join us. Most of the group isn’t done with their breakfast, and I’m sure you’re hungry,” he smiled at her in his usual friendly way. I silently cursed him but I knew this wasn’t out of character for him. He was friends with everyone, and for the good reason that he was so chummy with every person he met.  
  
“Well, if you don’t mind I would love to join you. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to make friends so late in the tour… Thank you so much, you guys are so lovely,” she put on a great show. If I didn’t know her true colors, I would undoubtedly fall victim to her little act.  
  
“No problem. We’ll show you everything you need to know,” Dan grinned at her and they walked ahead.  
  
“Dan, wait,” I said, grabbing on to his arm. “Marissa is-“ I spared a glance at her and I was met with the iciest glare. She looked at me like she wanted to leave a path of complete destruction in her wake, with me at the front. I knew that look. I faltered, panic settling into my chest, the feelings from high school rushing back to me. I knew what she was capable of.  
  
Images of standing out behind the gym with her goons scattering my belongings in the mud flashed in my mind. On one of Marissa’s good days they just ruined my things, made fun of me, made me feel gross and unwanted. On one of her bad days… I thought of the first time one of them hit me. They weren’t the upstanding kind of gentlemen who were above hitting a woman. I took a lot of beatings behind that gym. A lot of kicks to the stomach where people wouldn’t see the bruises. A few times I went home with a split lip or a cut up eyebrow, maybe some bruising on my face here and there. I always told Ryan and Joey it was just a rough day in gym class, and they knew how clumsy I was. Maybe it was because they trusted me so much, trusted I would tell them if something was wrong, that they never asked anymore questions.  
  
“…I’ll tell you later,” I murmured, relinquishing my grip on him.  
  
“You sure?” Dan bent slightly to look in my eyes, and I peeked up at him, nodding, albeit probably unconvincingly. I didn’t want him to say anything else on the subject, not while Marissa was there, so I turned, walking to the back of the group. I felt his eyes follow me momentarily before he continued walking, getting the hint that I no longer wanted to talk. To my dismay, Marissa fell back with me. She smiled widely as she linked our arms, and I felt my stomach drop at the contact with her.  
  
“Let me make one thing clear,” she was grinning, but her tone was cold and dangerous. “If you tell anyone, _anything_ … I will make your life a living Hell. If I so much as hear a tiny whisper about you talking about me… Well, let’s just say I’m very good friends with the manager, and I’m sure he would be more than willing to fire anyone who would hurt me,” she said the last part with a fake pout, batting her eyelashes at me like she would to the manager, putting on her best pitiful face before it turned cold. “I will find all the things important to you here and take them from you, one by one. I promise, Casey. You don’t utter a word. To anybody. We clear?” her gaze was piercing as she pulled me to a stop, her nails subtly digging into the skin on my arm. I flinched slightly, my blood running cold.  
  
“Crystal,” I stared unblinking at her, my voice was raspy, giving away how intimidated I really was. The satisfied look on her face told me that she knew. She knew that she still scared me. Still unsettled me to no end. She had so much power over me, perhaps just from my sheer trauma from back when we were seventeen. Back when she dictated my life.  
  
“Wonderful,” she let go of me, slipping her arm out of mine, and a wave of relief crashed over me. As she walked away peppily, pleased with our conversation, I let out a shaky breath I hadn’t realized I was holding in. I watched her rejoin the group, chatting easily with my friends. I couldn’t shake the terrible feeling in my gut.  
  
We entered the catering tent, and I quickly spotted Gabe back at the table. He looked up as we arrived, and our eyes met momentarily. The look on his face was unreadable, and he quickly looked back down to his plate of food. I realized after a moment that everyone had sat back where they were previously, and the only seat left was the one I had been in earlier. The seat beside Gabe. I contemplated for a moment leaving again, just escaping in the hustle and bustle, but I was cut short on making my decision when Dan looked up at me, cocking his eyebrow.  
  
“What’s up, Case? Sit down,” he turned his head to the side with a concerned expression. I nodded, glancing at Gabe before I slowly descended into the chair next to him. He didn’t move for a moment, but soon started eating again, not looking up, not meeting my eyes. I fixed my gaze on the table in front of me. Time seemed to be dragging on miserably slow as I wished breakfast would end so that I could run off to my bunk. I still had a lot of questions for Gabe about what he said to me. It seemed like I was the only nervous one out of the two of us, him simply munching on his bacon. Sure, he wasn’t looking at me or talking to me, but he didn’t act like we had just had an incredibly personal conversation where he vowed to make me fall for him at the end. I was amazed at his talent for acting like there was nothing going on at all. It made me wonder how long he had been feeling this way. I was just so wrapped up in my own feelings for Jeremy…  
  
My eyes trailed across the tent to where him and the guys usually sat, and I was actually a little surprised to see him there, silently eating while everyone else talked and joked around. We hadn’t been around each other much in a week, much less spoken. At one point I thought he was going to approach me, but I didn’t think I could handle it just yet, and managed to run off. Our friendship seemed to crumple into a pit of nerves and anxiety after that. It was all stolen glances and awkward nods. Every time I looked at him my chest felt tight and my throat felt like there was something lodged in it. It had only become more painful to think about how he really felt about me, which was nothing. I was just dead weight to him. I imagined that talking to me all this time must have been a chore for him, and my chest ached. I didn’t realize how hard I was staring until he glanced up, and our eyes locked.  
  
I immediately looked down at my hands, my heart rate sky rocketing as I felt my face heat. I tried to look around, pretend that I wasn’t looking directly at him, but despite my best efforts I ended up glancing back over to him. His eyes were dead set on me, and he hadn’t moved since I looked away. I slowly turned, locking gazes. He wasn’t faltering, and so neither was I. It felt like the entire world faded away, blurring behind us as we properly looked at each other for the first time in days. I studied him attentively as he slowly stood, his hand lingering on the chair before he began to walk in my direction. I swallowed hard, but my eyes never left him. It was almost like he was moving in slow motion. I was so entrapped in Jeremy’s every move that I had hardly noticed someone at the table stand, but I was pulled from my concentration as a body moved towards him, standing in my line of sight. I quickly realized what had happened and I felt my stomach drop, churning with a terrible gut feeling. There was Marissa, standing in front of me, introducing herself to Jeremy. His eyes were ripped away from me as she stood directly in his path. I saw her mouth move, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. Not over the voice in my head that was screaming that this was my worst nightmare.


	19. Chapter 19

  
I swallowed hard, standing suddenly. I felt like I had finally snapped out of the trance I was in. I decided that I couldn’t wait anymore, and I just needed to get out of there. To walk around outside, or go to my bunk. I didn’t care, as long as it wasn’t here. As I moved away from the table I caught Jeremy’s eyes, almost stopping again, but I looked to the side of me as I felt someone’s hand grip my own. Gabe was standing beside me, looking between Jeremy and I.  
  
“Can I talk to you for a sec?” He asked, his brows furrowed. I nodded, in a bit of a daze as Gabe pulled me out of the tent. I looked back at Jeremy one last time, only to see his gaze fall to our hands, still latched together as Gabe tugged me along. I watched Jeremy drop his eyes down, seeming crestfallen, before looking back up at Marissa. My breath hitched as he smiled at her, reaching up and shaking her hand.  
  
That was all I saw before the white flap of the tent put a barrier between me and my view of Jeremy. Unwittingly, I angled my head to try to watch some more but I was pulled roughly around, now properly facing Gabe.  
  
“What are you doing?” He asked gruffly, a look of irritation spreading across his features. I stared at him for a long second, finally feeling like I got back into my own mind. I took a deep breath, sighing.  
  
“What?” I questioned, feeling much more tired, seeing that familiar look on his face, the same one as when he blew up at me earlier. “I’m not doing anything,” I defended. He scoffed, shaking his head.  
  
“After he hurts you like that, makes you cry… You’re like a little school girl going googly eyed around her crush,” he mumbled with frustration as he looked to the side, crossing his arms over his chest. Now it was my turn to look offended.  
  
“Excuse me?” I tried to ignore the pang of hurt that I felt from being criticized by Gabe of all people. It felt like it was really hard to get him to see you in a bad light, and that was exactly what I was good at lately. “He… didn’t make me cry, first of all-”  
  
“You could have fooled me,” He jeered.  
  
“Second! I… do not have a crush on Jeremy,”  
  
Gabe raised his eyebrows at me, an incredibly unconvinced look on his face.  
  
“...I’m trying not to,” I said quietly, looking to the side. It was probably at that point that Gabe heard the weakness in my voice, that his features softened, and he sighed lightly, moving towards me. He reached his arms up, rubbing my shoulders in a soothing way.  
  
“Look, I know you’re having a hard time right now, Case… And I know I’m not helping with… Everything that happened between us,”  
  
“I thought we were forgetting about that,” I raised an eyebrow, meeting his eyes again. He rolled his eyes, sighing.  
  
“What I’m saying is, don’t try to do all this by yourself. You have us. You have me,” he took another step closer, and I eyed him tentatively. “I can make you forget him,” his voice was low, his mouth near the top of my head so I couldn’t see his face. He was leaning into me slightly at this point, my shoulder pressed just beneath his chest. I lifted my hands to his stomach, pushing away a little. He still had me by the shoulders, holding me there firmly, though still gently.  
  
“Gabe, I-” I was interrupted by the tent swinging open, and Neil’s face came into view first. His face fell, and he glanced back to Jeremy, who looked surprised to see us standing there. He eyed us up and down and looked towards the ground, avoiding us as he moved forward.  
  
“Excuse me,” he muttered as he walked past us. I wanted nothing more than to walk after him, talk to him. I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about, but anything was fine at this point.  
  
“Get a room, guys,” Neil scoffed, though I got the feeling it wasn’t completely playful. I looked back up to Gabe, who’s face was still and blank. I imagined he already knew what was going to happen next. He knew I was weak when it came to Jeremy.  
  
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, pushing my hands firmly against him, trying to make some space. It felt like my lungs were on fire every time I saw Jeremy. I just needed to get somewhere I could breathe. Gabe still gripped my shoulders, not letting me move away.  
  
“Gabe.” My voice was tired and strained. “I need to go.” I knew about his feelings now. And I was trying to deal with it in the best way possible, but the fact was I had so much on my mind, that this was just the cherry on top of the shit cake that was my situation right now. I wasn’t in a good place to make this easier on him. I didn’t feel that way about Gabe. I never would. But I didn’t want to say that to him, at least not in those words, especially after he asked me to forget his confession earlier. I didn’t know the steps to letting someone down easy. If he asked me to wait, was I really meant to wait? Even if I knew the answer already?  
  
“Please. Just give me a chance,” his look was pleading, him showing no signs of releasing my shoulders without a fight.  
  
“I can’t do that right now,” my voice was weak, and I looked up at him with teary eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you, Gabe, but I just… Can’t, right now,”  
  
He nodded, seeming to accept my answer as he moved away from me.  
  
“I’m sorry I wasted your time,” he said hoarsely, and I caught a glimpse of his mouth twitch, his eyes glossing over as he turned to walk away. I felt the guilt pile over me. Gabe had always been there for me in my time of need, but now when he was low it just felt like I was kicking him when he was down. And to make it even harder, I was the reason he was down in the first place.  
  
“Gabe, wait,” I said, latching on to the back of his shirt. He stopped, his body stiffening at my touch on his back. “What do you want me to do?” I asked. He didn’t respond at first, just standing still, unresponsive. I was about to let go, to give up, when he finally turned to face me once more. He grabbed my wrist, detaching my hold on him, and slid his hand down into mine, intertwining our fingers. I looked down sadly, eyeing our hands tangled in each other. I had decided to be there for my friend, but it felt like I was losing a personal battle. Why didn’t this feel any better? Why did I feel so miserable when I was trying to help?  
  
“Just don’t write me off yet,” he grunted, finally looking from the ground to my eyes. “I want you to give me the time of day. Not as a friend. Not as a brother. If you really, properly think of me as a man, and consider my feelings for you, and you really don’t feel that way… I’ll move on. But only if you promise me you’ll take some time to really think about it.”  
  
I stood for a moment, considering everything he had said to me. I nodded in response, telling him I would. He looked up, surprised, lifting his head fully.  
  
“You really will?” He asked, maybe a little unconvinced.  
  
“I will. Because you’re important to me. I’ll really, properly think about it, Gabe,” I looked at him with the most resolve I could muster. I owed this much to him. Despite how emotional and vulnerable I had felt lately, I didn’t think it was too much to ask. I almost wished I had asked Jeremy to do the same. But of course I was nowhere near that level of bravery.  
  
I was about to release my hand from Gabe’s when the tent lifted once more, and Marissa was standing there, eyeing us with one eyebrow cocked. She looked slightly surprised.  
  
“Oh! I didn’t realize you two were a couple,” she smiled brightly at Gabe, and I slowly retracted my hand from his grasp. It might have been my imagination but I thought I saw a twinge of hurt on Gabe’s face.  
  
“We’re not,” I said quietly, deciding to retreat from the situation. “I’m heading back to my bus. I’ll see you at sound check,” I said to Gabe, ignoring Marissa as I turned and headed towards the buses.  
  
I might have gotten about ten feet before I heard someone jog to catch up to me, groaning audibly when I realized who it was.  
  
“What do you want, Marissa?” I asked, staring at the clear Georgia sky, trying to forget it was her I was walking next to. I didn’t want to show her how much she got to me, even after all these years.  
  
“Rude,” she gave me a side eye as she fell into step beside me. “Your boyfriend is a hunk, Holt. Didn’t think you could rope one like that in,” she smirked at me, obviously instigating. I returned her previous stinkeye.  
  
“Not my boyfriend,” I muttered lowly, speeding up my pace. She didn’t have to do much to keep up with me, her legs being longer than mine.  
  
“What was that?” She asked obnoxiously, holding her hand to her ear like she couldn’t hear me.  
  
“He’s not my boyfriend, Marissa,” I grumbled, louder this time. A personal talk was the last thing I wanted to have with this person.  
  
“Mm, figures. He’s out of your league,” she looked pleased as she hopped along beside me.  
  
“Don’t bother him. He’s having a hard time right now,” I knew how she was. Always jumping from guy to guy, breaking hearts left and right.  
  
“Pfft, bother him? He’d be lucky to have a trophy like me,” she rolled her eyes.  
  
“Trophy is a stretch,” I snorted, trying not to laugh. “Who knew you had gotten so _funny_ after high school.”  
  
She looked at me with hatred in her eyes, her lip turning upward in a scowl. “Don’t talk to me like that,” she threatened.  
  
“Or what?” I stopped, turning to her. Maybe it was that I was finally away from Gabe, and Jeremy, and I could think for a second that I was feeling so brave to stand up to Marissa like this. It was an unfamiliar surge of courage, but I was savoring it while it lasted.  
  
“Or I’m going to make your life hell,” she turned to face me as well, and we were squaring down, staring each other in the eyes without faltering.  
  
“Yeah, you said that. Here’s the thing… This isn’t high school anymore. You don’t have a bunch of meat headed jocks at your disposal. My friends now won’t fall for your little charade. You don’t have the same power over me that you did back then, Marissa. I’m not afraid of you. So how about me and you just keep to ourselves and pretend the other doesn’t exist, does that sound okay to you?” I said with conviction, my eyebrow raising, daring her to try and intimidate me. Of course, I was lying when I said she didn’t scare me. But she didn’t have to know that.  
  
She stared at me for a few moments, the look in her eye shifting. Her expression was unreadable as she just stared me down.  
  
“You’re going to regret saying that, Casey. I promise.”  
  
I rolled my eyes, scoffing.  
  
“Just give it up, Marissa! I’m not trying to piss you off, I’m trying to live my life in peace. Is that so much to ask?” I was exasperated. Today had been so much already. Marissa took a step towards me with a hostile look.  
  
“I had forgotten how much fun you could be to play with,” She breathed with a small smirk growing on her face, never breaking eye contact. “Live your life in peace? Don’t be ridiculous. I just got my little plaything back, after all these years,” I shivered as she ran a finger along my jaw, making a pouty face to taunt me. “Now, where should I start? Dan? Shae? They’re sweet, really they are.”  
  
My face hardened as she mentioned them, tensing as I heard her tone of voice, low, and drawling, and menacing.  
  
“But, they would be easy. What about Gabe? He seems really tied up with you… I wonder how fun it would be… To steal him away…” she was circling me now, running her finger over my arms, my shoulders. I tried not to show her that she was getting to me, steeling my face. “But then again, he’s not the one you want, is he?...”  
  
I stared hard at the ground, refusing to look up, to give her the satisfaction of thinking that she got under my skin.  
  
“Now, Jeremy…” my head snapped up, eyes wide, and I immediately regretted how transparent I was. She smirked even wider at my unintentional response. I felt my heart pounding in my ears. “I see the way you look at him. I didn’t have to be around you for ten minutes to see how you feel. It’s written all over your face,” she was close to me, her breath hitting my cheeks as she spoke. “Your ears always did go red when you were nervous. Jeremy know that about you?” She chuckled as she glided her finger over the top of my ear. Her skin was cold against mine, only proving her point as I knew my ears were burning up. “Maybe he won’t ever get a chance to figure it out. Maybe he’ll learn a few things about my body instead,” she licked her lips at me, intentionally trying to make me squirm. And it was working.  
  
I regretted speaking out against her. I regretted trying to stand my ground. I felt like a teenager again, my hands shaking slightly. I tried not to let it show, but I knew that she was in my head. It felt like she could see right through me. I was quickly being reminded of all the reasons I was so afraid of Marissa in the first place.  
  
“Well… Enjoy the rest of your day, _Case_ ,” she narrowed her eyes at me as she used the nickname only my friends called me. I stared blankly ahead, even after she left.


End file.
